To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

I agree with other PPs just tell the mum No!!
As for the coach just tell them they are not to put you in that position again regarding this child and their travel arrangements. If it concerns them so much the coach can take the kid home!!

I voted YABU because you just need to say no, whether it is to the mum or to the coach.

I have been in a similar situation and it does feel difficult as you want to be nice - but these people are awful and being nice won’t help. You will just get used more and more. Next it will be sleepovers and weekend childcare. The favour will never be returned.

I agree with the supporting comments and advice with wording it here. But you do need to say no. Don’t worry about it. You do not want these people in your life. They are hideous. Any snide comments or dirty looks from them are great as it just affirms you did the right thing to say no. Keep firm.

If pushed you can say ‘I have caught awfulchild being very mean to Susie and I can’t allow that situation to continue.’ They can’t really argue that back and it’s true!

Hi OP, I totally get how hard this will be as I have been in similar situations. I think its’s important you distance your child from this frenemy as she will be destroying your child’s self esteem, which can take years to recover from. How old is your daughter? I would talk with your daughter and explain how true friends treat you, for example they aren’t nice to you at a club and then ignore you at school. Explain it’s better to be friends with people who want to be your friend and not only talk to you when it’s convenient to them.

Second step, as you have been asked outright just say ‘So sorry we can’t take X back, we have a commitment after the club this week’. If coach asks then just say, ‘sorry I have already let CF know I couldn’t bring x home this week as we have a commitment’. Do not explain what it is, if asked just say a private appt and move on.

Also, how much time does this add onto your journey home? Is it an extra 20mins or 10mins? I think if it’s around the 20min it’s mark you can validly say ‘I am so sorry taking X back home adds too much time onto our journey and impacts on bedtime etc’.

hope you get it sorted xx

There is no dilemma here. You say "no, I won't be able to do that" then stop reading her messages. You absolutely can leave her child with the sports coach - she's not your responsibility. All this wank about queen bee competitiveness is irrelevant. Just say no. Then just walk away. Job done.

The more I read the more I recognise the situation.

It’s not your child.

The coach knows Queenbee is awful and is being mean to your child. Tell them you can’t support this and will not be left responsible for that child… then leave.

This child is partly a competitive bully because she has been abandoned by her parents so many times, but you can’t fix that so don’t try.

Teach your daughter about toxic narcissists and that although it is hard she will be better off without Queenbee. Queenbee will get bored and find another victim.

Queenbee is not to be trusted under any circumstance, her one desire is to squash your daughter’s (and others) feelings. Avoid her at all costs. And the awful Mother. Everyone else knows she is awful.

It feels so much better when you are free of these relationships.

A few things radiate from your posts.

It’s unclear what age the kids are but you say they haven’t done GCSE yet so I am guessing early secondary school age especially if doing an unusual hobby.

Firstly you clearly don’t like this woman or the child. Your child somewhat likes the child as she’s “queen bee”. In this case, you’ve nothing to lose from you being the bad cop here. If quizzed at school, your daughter can feign disinterest: “I don’t know why, your mum should call my mum”.

Secondly and apart from the lift to the activity, you talk about your child (teen?) in a very positive way which is great but as early teens/tweens, they all have their moments.. The language sounds quite polarising - queen bee versus sweet unconfident child - yet your daughter wants to stay friends with this other girl so she must have redeeming points. I don’t think it needs to be so polarising between friends.

Thirdly, it all sounds quite competitive which is the easiest way to damage a shy kid’s confidence. You might think that’s coming from school and her friends but it’s all part of an equation - is it a highly pushy school with exams to get in, is it full of alpha parents (and kids), why is there a need to get an edge in an activity outside school? These are complex questions but long-term anxiety in children is rising and a competitive culture is a part of that for sure.

But first things first, just say no!

Just say no. I had a similar thing with a mum wanting to do a lift share for her DD. I just didn't want to do it and the arrangement would have been slightly but not massively inconvenient for me. I valued the one to one time in the car with my daughter, so I just said no. She kept asking and I kept saying no. She probably thought I was selfish but I didn't really care. In the end she lift shared with someone else.

I think you need to be brave - text this person - "I am not able to provide transport for your daughter to x club and because you keep putting me in a difficult position by expecting me to do this without asking I am now removing your number from my phone. Please don't ask me again".

Then block the number. If the coach asks you to give the child a lift back say "sorry I'm not able to" - the parent will soon stop it when the coach has to take the child back or hang on for the late parent.

Be brave.

I wouldn't say every week. Say once that it is no longer convenient and ignore further requests. If she queries say you were busy and didn't see. I used to be so polite about these things but there are so many cheeky fuckees around these days.

Definitely pre-warn the coach if you can. All you need to say is something like 'I know X's mum sometimes contacts you about how X will be getting home, so I just wanted you to know that I'm not able to take her. X's mum knows but I wanted to let you know just to avoid any confusion.' You don't need to give any reasons and could do this in person or by e-mail/text.

I run some children's activities and have experienced CF parents trying to push staff and other parents in to being their taxi service. They are probably already aware that she is a CF (who else would contact the coach during the session to basically ask them to tell someone else to transport their child?). If a parent told me this, I would realise they'd had enough and would inform the CF parent that they need to make sure they can collect their child themselves before they drop them off. They'd only need to ignore this once to be told that their child can no longer come to the sessions.

Msg the mum today and say I won't be able to look after or wait with or anything else from now on. Don't ask the coach to ask me . Don't involve me.
I think I may be to blunt but I don't get why more people are not like this.
She is obviously using you and knows you won't refuse .
The coach is responsible if she doesn't show up . Not you .

This is a great post. I can well believe your DD needs confidence, OP, and that she is good at this activity. It is great that you are working on this.

But tween and teen girls are generally not angels or daemons and your DD does see something in this girl. It isn’t the girl’s fault that her mum is a bitch and strands her after coaching lessons. She probably cringes inside whenever the coach needs to ask you to give her a ride.

That doesn’t mean it needs to be your problem. Start telling the mum no, and tell the coach that because of your family’s needs it isn’t possible for you to continue to go out of your way to give this girl rides. Maybe say something vague about how the mum had once mentioned ride sharing ‘but as you can see, that didn’t work out’ <tinkly laugh>.

Def tell DD to be vague with the girl if she brings it up - it’s between mums. I think it would help everyone’s confidence to have genuine plans the first few weeks, going somewhere direct from lessons or needing to be home sharpish for something.

Although you shouldn’t be telling others why you can no longer give rides, you may feel much better if this is true for a few weeks and it may be easier on DD as well. Just until the habit is broken

Stop being a doormat and just say "No".

You dont 'have' to do this.

Just say - 'Hope X is enjoying the club. I've received a few messages from you regarding picking up your child. Just wanted to let you know that I wont be able to do this anymore'

Or when she messages you, just say - ' Hi, No i wont be able to'

X

Don't teach your kid that she needs to suck it up for queen bees and their followers.

Just tell the mother - you can't pick up and drop the girl. No explanation needed.

“ now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back.”

No you don’t have to. Send a text saying that it’s no longer convenient to take ‘friend’. If the mum says friend can’t get there, just reply repeating the above and saying it’s not your responsibility to take her. Maybe even go as far as saying that if this this club training isn’t working out, she should find another club more suited to her schedule.

The best way for your daughter to break out of this cycle of being treated poorly is for you to model it. You describe yourself being in the exact same position, scared to stand up for yourself because the 'queen bee mum' will turn everyone against you. How can your daughter learn qualities of strength and independence to help her develop solid relationships if she (and the other children) are surrounded by adults who still act like this.
Nearly every sentence you write is about how your power is taken away by the mother. And at the same time you are facilitating her and driving her child around. Of course you can leave her child at the training site. It's the only way to stand up to them.
If you grow a pair then your daughter will start to aswell. The power isn't in this other 'Alpha mum's' hands (ridiculous idea that just justifies everyone else's weakness). The only power you have is your own. Your daughter needs to see you use it.

I've put YABU only because my mind boggles that you would entertain this!!

I really don't understand what you are finding so difficult here.

It's 4 miles out if your way! That's the reason why you won't do it.

As for her dd being mean to yours, we'll that's going to happen anyway! You can't buy her off with lifts, she's a bitch and that won't change. So save yourself the aggro and tell dd the truth about the other girl. You should help her stand up for herself and not get suckered again.

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back.

Do you have 'doormat' tattooed on your forehead?

Say no.

This isn't hard.

I don't get why you are making it into a drama. This isn't a problem for you to solve.

I voted YABU because you are being a mug. Not because I believe you should give the girl a lift.

I can’t stand copycat frenemies. Super annoying 💩 behaviour.

How will your daughter feel when she looks back and realizes you enabled her bully? Just say no, it doesn't suit.

Silly woman, shouldn't be committing her child to something she can't facilitate.

Set a good example to your daughter, just say not possible any longer. Then block.