To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

@Blondeandbeautifullol .. and then she has tge audacity to expect me to facilitate it! … and you DO facilitate it! Thats your problem!

This is kinda your own fault. You can just say, "no I can't, sorry." I used to let people walk all over me because I'm a stay at home mum and they work. But I grew a back bone and always say, "no I can't, I'm sorry." If they ask why I say, I'm not sure who will be taking mine yet/I'm going to my mums straight afterwards/I don't feel great etc. Any messages from them get ignored until hours later. As long as you say no nicely, there's no fall out.

Ultimately you have two options:

1. Say no
2. Carry on being a doormat

There is no magic 3rd option that'll work like a Get Out of Jail Free card. But saying no gets easier the more you practise it - so there's that

Your daughter is like this because YOU are.

Do you not see the correlation between your behaviour and hers?

She naively thinks this girl is her friend because they share a hobby. You naively think (as per your own words) -

now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. Err.. you don't.
How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? Again, you don't.
I want to say... Ruddy well say it then

Please stop. You are teaching your child to be a weak people pleaser. Teach her through your own actions that you are not going to be bullied. The lessons she learns from you will set her up for life. For good or bad.

Your daughter is like this because YOU are.

I agree. You are teaching her that she doesn't matter.

Don’t make excuses or tell lies or apologise or explain. Pre-empt her, it’s much easier than being caught on the back foot. Text her and say: “Hi CF, hope you’re well. Just wanted to say - you’ve been asking me to bring CF DD home a lot lately, please don’t do this anymore as I won’t be doing it, so you need to make your own arrangements.” CFs need telling straight because they have a brass neck!

You’re a pushover.

My DC used to go to a local private small town school and the school gate mums were absolutely horrific. There is no match for these mums competitively. I've had mums complain when mine won a trophy for science, got picked for a team, or picked for a play. There is one DC who is rubbish at sport, and got bumped off for a really talented new child. His mum complained and now they share the position and lose matches.

Over the years I have realised that school gate mums are not where you should make your friends. I had counselling for anxiety a few years back and the counsellor said to avoid at all costs. As a result I did drop offs when I knew there would only be few there, as in drop off early, and my DC went to late stay till 4pm when I only saw other avoiders. Be busy. Can't stop, late for dentist.

I have cultivated interests and other hobbies for my DC outside of school. I know you have done this, and this is a problem now, but my advice to you would be to do other hobbies and interests with your DC as well, to make new friends and build your DC's confidence outside of school and TELL NO ONE. My DC made a lot of friends doing music and drama out of school.

It is all very well telling you to say NO to this woman, but it can be hard to do this at school if they are a Queen Bee, or have a little clique, or their DC is a bully or popular. You feel paranoid, anxious, and you don't want it taken out on your DC. I understand.

All I can suggest is to avoid the school gate, do other hobbies as well BUT TELL NO ONE, and ask your school if they can be in a different class next year to minimise contact with Mini Queen Bee. I'd ask your DH to take your DC for a few weeks to break the cycle and say, "Oh no. I can't do this for a while as my relative needs help and DH says he can't help out sorry. He'll forget". Blame the man.

Don’t say sorry unless you have actually done something wrong. It immediately puts you on the back foot. You’re not sorry - you’re (rightfully) enforcing your boundary. You don’t need to apologise for that. Just block her and tell the coach to reply that you’re not available for lifts every time CF messages.

@Blondeandbeautifullol - you wrote "What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them"
Reply "Hi CF parents, I'm no longer available to drop/collect/wait for Tommy at <insert sport training here> going forwards. Please make alternative arrangements going forwards. All the best, blondeandbeautifullol."

Keep it clear, concise and don't bring any flowery language into it. They have decided that Tommy wants to learn whatever sport, they can do the taxi service for that.

If they reply with anything other than an "Ok then" you simply repeat that you are no longer available to attend to their child (stating the bleeding obvious but that's their job) and they need to make alternative arrangements.

Oh, and don't apologise for this. You've done nothing wrong here.

Yes you can! The Coach can drop her off or they can pay for a taxi, uber.
And if they they trip and guilt trip you say your a £100 a trip- enough to cover that class and help buy any equipment required or just something for your child.

Infact, say a bill now and say they agreed to it already. And if they say no. Say 'fine but I hope you can understand unless you pay your bill I will not pick/drop off your child again'

Id nip it in the bud now . Message and say

"Hi I know I've helped out dropping dd off etc when you are stuck. It's become more regular so felt it fair to let you know It's not feasible for me to continue due to other commitments. I thought it better to say in advance to give you chance to make other arrangements."

Then every time say No. she will stop asking.

I like this - courteous but firm. Not apologising, not over-explaining, just explaining the situation in a way which doesn't inflame emotions. (Or at least wouldn't with a reasonable person, but by definition, this woman isn't reasonable, so OP would have to expect a bit of flack)

Send this OP and then stick to your guns.

Edit for spelling

Why can’t you say no?

No, she doesn't 'invent something'. She says a resounding NO.

Stop thinking about backlash , your daughter is being abused by this child and if it isn’t over this it will be something else. Make school very aware that it’s bullying by stealth . Also tell the coach as mrs queen bee will be straight over to whine your scarpering her daughters chances . Do not keep this a dark secret, shine a light .

The sports coach will have a procedure for children who aren't collected. Let them invoke it. And don't apologise to the woman. "No, I'm not able to do that. I'll let the coach know you're struggling to collect" and block the number.

Please don't try and think up an excuse. She'll get the child to ask yours about the reason you can't drive them, to try and unravel your argument. Just flat no will no nicely.

I've read more about this mother and her daughter and I think what you might need to do is to have a word with the school, in a FYI kind of way that you've found yourself in a situation with this woman and you want them to be on the look out for any backlash that might happen with the daughter while in school to your daughter.
Then I'd let the coach know that you're not going to be able to bring/collect Prudence from crew anymore.
Only when the previous two have been done would I tell the Diva Queen's mother that you're not available to do the collecting/waiting/dropping of Prudence any more.

I'd tell the coach that you've already told the child's parent that you'll be unable to facilitate lifts either way in future. That way when you say sorry no can do they're forewarned.

Re the queen bee aspect. I think bending to her will hasn't actually helped your daughter so far. So you might as well do what suits your dd. Do it nicely and politely but say no sorry we can't anymore, things have changed.

This is still a 'just say no' siutation, OP. We don't actually need the back story about how terrible this other girl is, or her mother. They could both be perfectly pleasant and it would still be ok to say no. Another parent has asked you to constantly pick her child up/drop her off, which you don't want to do. Just say no. And if she asks you via the coach, also just say no. In fact, to avoid this, I would email the coach to say that, to avoid any confusion, you're clarifying that you will only be caring for your child; you can't take responsibility for any others, in case any other parents ask it via the coach in future.

I’d say no and if she pushes I’d tell the mum exactly what I thought of her and her DD. I probably wouldn’t do the latter but I’d be so tempted to do so.

Seems like mother is egging her child on here in all sorts of ways.

Be an adult. Why are you allowing this woman to treat you like a mug ?