To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

Just say no! You do not feel it is healthy for your child to spend any unnecessary extra time with this child. What a bloody cheek. Do not even give one lift.

As an aside is anyone wondering what kind of school has a rowing team?

I'm afraid I largely agree with this OP.

The best thing you can take out of this situation is to empower your child to deal with bullies. At the moment appeasing this girl is not working in any case. Have you not explained to your daughter that she should avoid this girl and it's not healthy to be friends with her?

I know it's hard to make new friends but it's worse to have frenemies in the long run. They really erode your self esteem. I'm still affected by it years later and I wish my mum had been able to help me navigate these things (she was a bully too, but that's another story).

If you really struggle with assertiveness skills yourself then it might be a good idea to find a counsellor in your area who specialises in assertive skills for children and young people. It will set your child up for life.

It's wonderful that you're so caring for your daughter by the way and you're putting so much effort into their welfare. It's just that it has to be directed in an effective way. I did this with my child - he did a sport that was outside school and I would never have encouraged him to do something his nemesis did - and he's now a very happy and well-adjusted adult.

That's so sad. You need to put your DD first. Message today and say "I won't be bringing your child home as w have other things to do. Please make sure you have made your own arrangements. Or perhaps reconsider even sending your child as she has made it plain to me she doesn't even like this activity."

This thread is maddening. OP has been
Back several times and has totally ignored all comments and advice regarding handling the mother (the actually issue), in order to discuss the frenemy relationship with her daughter.

OP, are you going to pick her up this evening, or not? If you’re going to just continue as is then this is all a waste of everyone’s time/annoying. I agree it would have been less awkward for you to pre empt being put on the spot (which is very uncomfortable and I can see why you’ve been giving a lift out of awkwardness) by messaging the coach and the mother.

You say that when she texts you during the sport that she will not make pick up that you cannot abandon the child there. It is not you doing the abandoning, it is her mother. Either switch your phone off, or just dont read the text. Go home and just drive your daugjter. The longer you keep doing this the more difficult it will be to break the habit. Alternatively text the mum that you are unable to give lifts anymore. You need to take a stand now.

You are enabling this child to be horrible to your daughter and I don’t get this whole ‘alpha school mums’ who think they have power over another adult in the school yard. It takes 5 min to drop and pick up a child from school. Ignore her and her little gang and show your child other people can’t just walk all over you because you are scared and intimidated by them. Tell the mother you will not be having anything responsibility over her daughter at this club if she wants her to go that’s her problem not yours and if she is abandoning her child at a club that’s not on you it’s on her mother just leave her there.

You can still say no.

Step 1: Block the mother's number.

Step 2: Speak to the coach.

"I'm in a bit of an awkward situation and need your help to resolve it. Jemima's mum and I have never come to any kind of arrangement about giving lifts. We have never even discussed it. I don't want to do it because we live nowhere near each other, so dropping Jemima home is a detour I could really do without, and there's nothing in it for me because she's never once offered to give Zoe a lift in return. She has just made a completely unilateral decision that I can take Jemima home after practice. She will message me during the practice to tell me - not ask me - that Jemima needs a lift home, and if I don't reply she will message you and ask you to tell me. I feel unable to refuse because it would mean leaving a child with no lift home, through no fault of her own. I've now had to block Jemima's mum's number, but the next time she messages you, can you please not pass the message on to me but tell her she needs to come and pick her own daughter up? I'm so sorry Jemima's mum has involved you in this situation."

Absolutely this! ⬆️ No is a complete sentence. Don't put yourself, & more importantly, your daughter, through this shit.

Time for a gloves off, honest conversation -firstly, with the CF mum & then your daughter - about breaking away from her bully & dealing with any potential fallout.

Also voted YABU because you should say NO! Rather than silently seething and posting here. If she wants her dd to do an activity, she needs to arrange transport herself.

This. Just say it isn't convenient. None of her business why not - it just isn't.

If she pushes tell her you don't want the responsibility. If she finds it difficult to balance her career and her child's activity that is something she should have considered. Perhaps she could pay a childminder to collect her child.

Don't lie and make up relatives to visit etc. If necessary, I would tell her outright that the girls don't get on and it is a very stressful atmosphere when they are together and you aren't prepared to do it. (I will say that at one time I would have felt very guilty about something like this - I used to be a pushover - but now I'd just say "Sorry. It's not convenient."

This. But as this lady is a cheeky one I would be prepared for push back so have iron clad no at the ready.

You can't, you've got to go look after your elderly parent/ grandparent/ visit someone in hospital/collect your partner from work. You're busy from now on.

I honestly don't think OP should engage in any conversation with the mum at all.

The OP is conflict averse and the mum is a CF.

OP just needs to block her number and ask the coach not to pass on any more messages, explaining that she's not being a helpful go between, but facilitating cheeky fuckery.

Those parents are enableling their child to learn unhealthy competitity and be a user.
Don't help them.

Can you just say "I won't be able to pick up and drop off from now on" or even brush her off a few times by saying you're not sure you'll be going and then she can't rely on you.

if she texts you to bring them back while you're there say sorry I've got to do X on the way home and say you really have to get off and if she's late she'll have the coach waiting and I guarantee she won't do it again.

All of this is just making the whole thing more painful IMO.

She shouldn't give this other mum explanations or arguments which she will then try to counter.

She needs to just say no and block her number, and tell the coach to stop passing on messages.

It isn’t your responsibility to provide an opportunity for this pair to ride roughshod over your child.
Because this is what is happening.
Stop the lifts, “I’m unable to help” and if she asks via the coach, say the same thing, you don’t have to give an explanation why. Like other posters have said, the kid won’t be stranded. Her mother will either have to get off her arse herself, send a taxi for her or the coach will have to take her. I bet you the kid suddenly stops the activity once the mother is the one to be inconvenienced and not you.

Can completely understand why you are facilitating this other child but you need to start changing this situation. Let the rowing organisation know that you are not responsible for this other child and will not be in the future. Tell the mother as well and then BLOCK her.
Then let the school know exactly what is going on so that they can support your daughter. Your daughter obviously has an ability that she is developing through additional support.
She needs to be able to continue this in peace and without this frenemy around.

In fact @Blondeandbeautifullol, if you really want to make sure you're heading this off at the pass, contact the coach today and say, "Just as a heads up, I will not be taking Jemima home after practice tomorrow or at any point in the future. Jemima's mum and I have no arrangement about this. She is just telling me, or if I don't reply, telling you, that this is what is happening. Can you please contact her and say she needs to pick Jemima up at the end of practice tomorrow, and every week, because there is no other option?"

I’m also a people pleaser and would struggle with this. But I think I would just give a white lie. Hi alpha mum, really sorry but I’m not going to be able to give your DD lifts anymore to rowing. We have family things on straight after from now on and won’t be coming straight home because of it. Thought id give you the head’s up”

You can just say you aren’t dropping off anymore. However a large portion of your OP is purely your own thoughts about others motives and are not necessarily based on fact.

Why can't you just say no. There's no way I'd be doing this, none of you even like each other!