To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

Just say NO.

It's easy practice it before you say it so you say it in the right no nonsense way.

I think the mum is a CF.

It seems like your child is getting bullied in school. Cut contact/relationship. Have talks with your child that this girl is no friend of hers. Make it clear how the mother is also upsetting you. Most children would not want to be friends with people who hurt their parents. My daughter had few girls reeling in/rejecting her - I had daily chat about healthy friendships, encouraging her being alone can sometimes be comforting (read a book, write in your journal rtc), how to make new friends (practical skills e.g what to ask, how to respond etc). Honestly, the whole dropping off thing will literally take a ‘no’ to solve…the years that she has been exposed to this girls’ micro aggressive tactics will be entirely complex. Are you scared of retaliation from the mom? If so, what kind of retaliation? If it is socially, then why care? I’d rather not have any mom friends than allow my child to be exposed to such unhealthy relationships. If it is more serious, then you take it up with school/police/law. If you really feel terrible about telling this mom who has ill intent (and possibly the daughter
whilst in school) towards your child no then really your the one with the issue…

If you can't say no to the mum, why don't you say yes to your daughter.

Think about it like this, you are ruining your daughter's chance at that specialist spot, her enjoyment of training and her drive home with mum to chat the game, fun etc.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, more to jolt you into seeing you should give zero f's for this lady and give them all to your own kid.

Dear god she sounds awful!

Maybe say to her, can we both do every other? And when she says no...well say well maybe sort your own child out then. Or find someone else to pick up your daughter and say you are no longer available to be taxi 😹

I would stop immediately and let the mum know, can’t do it and no apology either - just tell them straight out and you don’t have to explain at all.

I’d tell them to find another arrangement for their kid.

No. Do not let this woman, who is determined to have her DC undermine your DC, be in a car with her without you around.

Give your child ear plugs and play very loud annoying music on the car radio all the way home 😊 or Hungarian language lessons or a tape of dogs barking, nice and loud. The other child will beg the mother not to go.

Or be like Zammo just say NO! :)

This.. Don't be driving her spiteful child about.

Fill the back seat of your car with a large heavy awkward piece of furniture so there's no room for the frenemy. Say you're delivering it somewhere but haven't managed to find the recipient at home yet so it has to stay in your car for the foreseeable.

Or say the back seatbelts are broken so it's illegal to take passengers.

Your daughter sits in the front, obvs.

OP don't make this about the other child. The mum is a CF and taking the piss. Just message simply: Just letting you know I am no longer able to pick-up/drop off or wait with your dc before or after coaching. Please make other arrangements.
Then ignore.
Tell your daughter to make new friends as it seems other girl isn't too nice and that's not how you treat friends.

It’s 4 miles out of your way!
Just say you can’t do it because of this.

Why on earth are you driving four miles out of your way to drop off someone else's child you don't even like.

You have to ask yourself rationally, what are you scared of? Is she going to call the police? Hit you?

Just say no.

Make up an excuse. "Just to let you know, I can't do any more drop offs or pick ups as I have a few other things on. See you at school!"

The Busy and Important career stuff would piss me off. she's said she can do it, so let her.

Seriously mums like that are bullies, they have nothing if you simply say no politely.

I agree that aside from dealing with the CF mum and her daughter, you need to arm your own child with information about how to navigate friendships, including frenemies. It has to happen eventually. She needs to know that if someone isn't treating her well, it's not a reflection on her. Some people just aren't very nice. We can still be "friendly" with them, but we don't have to care what they think about us. I'd cultivate other friendships for her and ditch this frenemy as much as possible.

Your describe your daughter as sweet and naïve. This is not a good thing. Children stay naïve and gullible unless somebody sits down and explains some things to them including about how this girl is not a real friend. It is not reasonable to let her carry on characterising this as a friendship. Yes, it is destroying a certain level of innocence but that is a very dangerous kind of innocence to have. Tell the mother that it's simply not convenient if you don't want to be blunt about her behaviour. She must have the skin of a rhino too by the way to expect you to facilitate her daughter being better able to compete with your daughter.

Honestly the mind boggles. Why are you letting someone literally walk all over you?

Just say no.

Just say no. Make no excuses. If pressed just keep repeating, ‘it doesn’t work for me’. The end.

Just focus on your child and don’t get pulled into childish drama of who is competing with your Daughter. You aren’t UN about drop off but you are BU about all this competition rubbish! That’s apart of sports other people will want your spot. Take a step back, remember they’re kids!

There's an awful lot of what I'd call "unhelpful" comments in this thread. Everyone's allowed to express their opinion of course, but the dozens of posts along the lines of "Durrr, youre'are an idiots OP, this is yur fault and you deserveded it, just be a hero like me and say NO - y u even nedd hadvice on this grow a spine ???1!?/1!?1!?/! ?" really aren't working for me. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Those kind of responses might inadvertently make a casual observer think the people who wrote them don't understand what the real issue is, and perhaps they're entirely devoid of self awareness and their entire personality is being unpleasant - "I say as I see and speak as I find, and people respect me for it!!" [Spoiler Alert: they don't.]

The actual issue is that OP is "conflict averse", and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Most people are. I'd say she's got some things going on with self image/value/confidence/worth and the like as well, which again is perfectly fine and normal. So what happens when you tell someone just like OP to "grow a spine?", or that they're "stupid", or "this is all your own fault"? What are the thought processes behind it?

Do they think they're helping in any way shape or form? Because they're not, they're making things worse.

Do they think they're offering useful, practical advice? If they said to me "Stevie, can you reach that thing down for me please, it's too high up for me?" and I replied with "psh, why don't you just grow really tall like me and get it yourself you idiot?" would they be happy with it?

Do they think they're somehow empowering the OP-like person? None of us know each others story, none of us know how each other got to the point we're at now. None of us know what kinds of things people have been through that shaped us. Just because someone similar to OP asks for our advice on something but doesn't start their thread with "childhood trauma.. sa.. foster care.. abuse.. care homes.. violence.. borstal.. sa.. oh, and does anyone know how to unblock the kitchen sink please?" DOES NOT mean they're playing life with the same hand of cards that YOU were dealt.

An observer could be forgiven for thinking that the kind of people who write these kinds of comments are the exact same people who behave in the manner that the woman taking advantage of OP does. The exact same people who at school parroted "but Ma'am it's not fair!! He could have just said no but he didn't! So how was I to know he didn't want me to throw his birthday cake on the floor and stamp on it! Why am I in trouble? This is all his fault for not saying no!!".

And thus ends today's instalment of The Gospel According to Frogpole.

That is all.

@Blondeandbeautifullol

I haven't got the time anymore

This arrangement is just not working for me,

too much hazzle stress and you shouldn't expect random people to run away for your child
as its not on or fair,

It's quite stressful enough sorting out my wn child's needs than taking aboard anyone else is child..

@Blondeandbeautifullol

I think keep all interactions with her positive, but very distant. Prior to any club, message and say (cheerily) - Hi there! Thought I better pre warn, but I won’t be able to drop x back after club as we are shooting off to (another activity) (shops) (pick someone else up).
And then repeat until she gets the message.
And then if she can’t arrange transport, she might stop going to the club!
And then distance yourself, and don’t even allow her into your headspace. You can be superficially friendly, and let her have her Queen B status. And then socialise more with the group who will think all the one up man ship is ridiculous (that group will be there - think Motherland).

Perfect Post.

Its so so difficult when you struggle to say no.
If the OP was confident in saying NO she would not have posted her question on MN.

Instead of telling her to 'grow a back bone', how about you give us not so strong ones actual tips and tools to help us to grow one.

I agree with TitanTins. When you are dealing with someone who will use her social power to punish you for failing to comply with her wants, then I think it helps to keep everything positive but distant. Don't give in to the temptation to be straight with her, she'll just use it as ammunition in turning your social group against you. Explain yourself as little as possible, because any explanation given with your "no" will be treated as the opening for a further description of how you indeed CAN do her more favors, if you'll just put yourself out just a teeny weeny bit more, to get around the obstacle that you already told her precludes you doing her the favor. Just be very cheery but vague. "Hi Beth, I'm not able to transport Michelle to or from [activity] any more, see you at school, byeeeeeee." You can even do Tinkly Laugh if you find it helps.

Parents like this drive me nuts. When my DD started high school she met a girl who lived about 8 miles away. They quickly became bffs. The girl used to come and sleep over at our house virtually every weekend often straight from school on Fridays until Sunday evening. We had no clue who the parents were as they’d pull up outside and just message their DD who’d then leave. This went on for months and this girl was 11 years old. My DD was often expected to stay out on the streets until after her curfew until this girl’s parents could pick her up if they were out and about. I finally had enough and messaged the mum who was furious with me for calling her out on it. My DD then suffered backlash from this girl. It was crazy. People who don’t take responsibility for their own children drive me nuts.

You need to be doing this op. Your dd is fixated on this girl because she’s in her face all the time. Your dd, in fact you also, need to redirect your energy away from her and towards other people. Unless and until this happens, you’re wasting your time taking your dd to an activity to get away from her frenemy whilst still giving the girl all the oxygen in the room. The woman and her dd sound deeply insecure and they’re feeding off you both because you are both easy targets. If you hold a firm boundary for long enough, they will look elsewhere.