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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh - his annoying habit .

193 replies

Notanana · 16/04/2024 08:14

He leaves his chair out most of the time after a meal .
… drive s me mad .
I have asked and asked that he put it back - remind him
most days- or many days -sometimes call to him upstairs to come and put it under.
it infuriates me beyond measure !
it feels inconsiderate to me .

Its silly but it really stresses me out now - i have developed a learnt reaction and i get angry.

does it really matter?!!

dh says he tries but forgets daily.
he is semi retired so this can happen 3 times a day at meal times ultimately.

he has suggested that i “ work on my reaction” ( it is ott)
and
that he does not use the table - which will affect out life !!

my thought is you are a grown man and you can put a chair under a table !!!

he also moves the coffee table daily and does not put that back either. Every day or many days i move it back.that bothers me less.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 16/04/2024 08:25

Not unreasonable - this is entitled behaviour. Either he is expecting the chair to be left sticking out in the middle of the floor permanently, or he is expecting someone else to put it back for him. I have had similar chair issues with my DP.

Mothership4two · 16/04/2024 08:27

It sounds like you are irritated over more than just a chair/table. Are you angry at OH or your situation?

OH leaves a dining room chair pulled out all the time, I just push it back in.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/04/2024 08:27

None of this would bother me. Id hardly notice tbh.

Catza · 16/04/2024 08:31

Mine does the same and it doesn't bother me. Takes less than a second to pull it back in. Not worth my attention.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 16/04/2024 08:32

It would annoy me but I'd just leave it, hopefully if you do and he notices he'll eventually move it

Eyesopenwideawake · 16/04/2024 08:40

He's sort of right. My DP regularly leaves the bathroom light on and it used to drive me absolutely nuts. I'd fume and grumble and let it really annoy me until I decide to stop reacting, because all it was doing was disproportionately affecting me. He wasn't doing it deliberately, he has the sort of mind that is always moving onto the next task and doesn't even realise he's doing it (plus his eyesight is poor so he needs more light than I do). Once I chose not to be annoyed it was no longer annoying.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 08:44

I think many posters are missing the point. It's not that he leaves his chair out. It's that the OP has asked him not to and he still does it. It a very easy thing for him to do. It may not bother you or him, but it bothers her. So he should do it without even thinking.

gannett · 16/04/2024 08:50

Oh I do this and it mildly annoys DP (who is the kind of man who wants everything to be straightened and at right angles). I do remember sometimes now but he's largely learned to live with it, because it takes him a second to straighten the chair if he really needs to.

I'm mildly annoyed when he doesn't close cupboard doors when he cooks but I just... close them myself, because it's such a small thing it's not worth constantly harassing him to do it himself.

This is on that level. It's just not worth making it a thing. Everyone has annoying habits, and when you live with someone you have to just accept them to a degree. You can't make him care about straight chairs if he doesn't care about them already so save your energy for things that matter.

AnchorWHAT · 16/04/2024 08:51

I feel your pain DH makes the bed everyday as I am usually up first, but he never plumps the pillows or tightens up the duvet just pulls it up straight and folds the edge so it never looks neat,not the end of the world but-so bloody irritating and I end-up straightening it all up every feckin day! Same with the downstairs cushions grrr

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 08:52

CurlewKate he insists he cant do it . Its like a mental block.
but i know he cd learn the dam habit!

OP posts:
gannett · 16/04/2024 08:53

CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 08:44

I think many posters are missing the point. It's not that he leaves his chair out. It's that the OP has asked him not to and he still does it. It a very easy thing for him to do. It may not bother you or him, but it bothers her. So he should do it without even thinking.

But the point is that if you're a person who doesn't mind whether the chairs are in or out, then you're going to have to actively think about it every single time. Occasionally I do this but what it comes down to is that I truly don't care where the chairs are. If DP does, it's easier for him to just do it then to try to get my brain to work differently.

Axx · 16/04/2024 08:53

Wouldn't bother me a bit. I'd work on your reaction if I were you. It's not important.

MoonWoman69 · 16/04/2024 08:54

I have the same with my husband and toast crumbs on the bread board. I've asked him repeatedly to clean them up and still, 4/7 he leaves them! It got to a point where I was nagging and he was replying "I forgot, alright?!" Now I just clean them up, like this morning and get on with my day! It's just not worth getting stressed over, if it's not part of a constant string of misdemeanors.
Men forget stuff, they're wired differently to us. If it's just crumbs or a dining chair, it's manageable, if it's more than that, it's a problem. You have to decide that one!

CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 09:00

@MoonWoman69 "Men forget stuff, they're wired differently to us"

They aren't, you know. We're just programmed differently to them.

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:01

CurlewKate i think a man can learn a simple action .

OP posts:
cooldarkroom · 16/04/2024 09:02

Matthew Fray's article (about his wife divorcing him because he left dishes by the sink) comes to mind.
Its not the chair, its the lack of love & respect that makes it a problem

Izzy24 · 16/04/2024 09:04

cooldarkroom · 16/04/2024 09:02

Matthew Fray's article (about his wife divorcing him because he left dishes by the sink) comes to mind.
Its not the chair, its the lack of love & respect that makes it a problem

Oh exactly this.

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:05

cooldarkroom that’s interesting- because he really loves me - as evidenced in other behaviours! Maybe i shd show him the article if i can find it . But - i know he wd say if you want to leave over something so ‘ petty’ .. then that is bonkers.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 09:05

@Notanana "CurlewKate i think a man can learn a simple action"

So do I. They've just been socialised not to think it's necessary. And women have been socialised to think "Poor dears, they can't help it"

CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 09:06

@Notanana "But - i know he wd say if you want to leave over something so ‘ petty’ .. then that is bonkers."

So tell him "If it's that petty, why not just do it?"

Bananadramallamas · 16/04/2024 09:09

I'd let it go. I'm sure there are little things you do that irritate him, but not enough to make a deal of. If this is the sum of his "faults" you're doing well.

heartbrokenof · 16/04/2024 09:11

When he dies you'll wish he was there to leave his chair out

HelloJackieULookNice · 16/04/2024 09:11

CurlewKate · 16/04/2024 09:06

@Notanana "But - i know he wd say if you want to leave over something so ‘ petty’ .. then that is bonkers."

So tell him "If it's that petty, why not just do it?"

Because that assumes he's making an active decision not to do it. Whereas it's more likely it just doesn't cross his mind at the time he gets up from the table.

Quiestvous · 16/04/2024 09:11

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was "don't sweat the small stuff". It helped me to let go of this type of thing. (Doesn't mean it's really OK though!)

Sunnysal · 16/04/2024 09:11

He lives there too. Maybe he likes the chair out! Why are you so insistent he complys with your idea?