To think a family member is being awful, although we’re living under their roof?

[PeachyGreen95]

I moved into my grandma’s home a couple of months ago, with my partner and our 6 month old baby. This is because I’m on maternity leave and my DP is training to do something else career wise, so we’re having to be careful with money. We were hoping to be here until September..

My grandma offered and said we could stay for as long as needed, we are so appreciative as we didn’t have much option other than to rent and hammer into savings.

Since we’ve lived here, my mental health has plummeted. We try to keep the house as tidy as possible with a 6 month old, I cook a nice home made meal every night for us all, do the shopping and be as respectful as possible but can’t help but think she is always trying to pick a fight. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells constantly.

She makes hurtful comments often, she said I was fat because my jeans don’t fit after having the baby, said I care about no one but myself as I wasn’t sending photos of the baby fast enough to other family members, she watches like a hawk and will make comments about what I’m doing with the baby, how I’m weaning her etc. I’m so fed up.. last night she screamed at my partner because the baby woke up crying and he ran into the living room to turn the monitor off and said he didn’t want it to disturb her TV… she said she thought he was being funny with her. AIBU to think she’s being a bad person as she’s letting us live in her home and we’ve turned it upside down as a family???

[ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine]

Was she like this before you moved in? Unfortunately the only thing you can really do is move out ASAP. If you stay I think you're potentially facing years of her guilt tripping you over how she helped you out and you're not doing enough for her and how ungrateful you are.

[SheepAndSword]

She might be awful but the only thing you can do is move out a few months earlier than planned.

Would you receive any UC/child assistance?

[Delawear]

You will need to prepare to move.

She probably offered this to be helpful, without appreciating how stressful she would find it to have two adults and a baby in her home for an extended period. I think it’s because she knows deep down that she made a mistake and she is likely to be judged if she ejects family members with a young baby. Instead of being honest with you about her feelings, she’s finding fault to prompt you to make the decision to move.

Can you both have a discussion with her, ideally on neutral ground?

[PeachyGreen95]

@Delawear I think that’s what it is. I appreciate it being stressful for her, she’s an older lady who now has a family with her. I’ve told her that her comments are hurtful and she cries and it becomes a bit awkward. I’ve asked her if she’d like us to speak to my partners family to see if we can move out ASAP and she said no. I’d rather her be honest as I’ve tried to approach it a couple of times.

[saraclara]

She probably offered this to be helpful, without appreciating how stressful she would find it to have two adults and a baby in her home for an extended period

That. I adore my kids and my grandkids and see as much of then as I can. But I'm used to living alone quietly, and I'm as sure as I can be that even a week of having them live with me would be really hard.

[Boomer55]

She might be suffering slightly mentally, because of age, or it could be that she didn’t appreciate the stress involved with putting up two adults, and a young baby.

It’s a big disruption for someone that’s been used to their own space.

You might have to just move out - these situations are usually stressful, unless it’s a big house that allows for people to sort of live separately.

[MistyBerkowitz]

These situations seldom work. All of your reasons for living with your grandmother are your reasons — it’s presumably incredibly disruptive and intrusive for her, and she’s not getting any financial benefit. Just make arrangements to move out.

[BroughttoyoubyBerocca]

Can your partner go back to his old role until you are more stable? It’s an odd time to change career?

Move out and rent.

[Fairyliz]

You tried it and it hasn’t worked. Realistically it was never going to work, if she’s your grandma she must be 40+ years older than you if not a lot older; well past the coping with babies full time stage.

Unfortunately, I think it’s time to move out.

[BuyOrBake]

Don't underestimate how hard this is for her. Her quiet home is no longer her own!
You are all on edge.

It sounds like you need to be making firm plans to move out.

[Whaleandsnail6]

I think you just need to move out. Dont ask her if she'd rather you did, just make arrangements to rent somewhere else or live with partners family if they will have you.

She is clearly struggling with the arrangement and none of you are happy.

[MsLuxLisbon]

While I agree with the others that you should move out and that it is stressful for her, I also don't think the way she is behaving is ok. Yes, it was generous of her to let you move in, no debate about that. That still doesn't give her the right to be nasty and snide and make comments about your appearance. I would move out ASAP for your own sanity.

[BubziOwl]

There's being stressed by new living arrangements, and then there's calling a new mother fat.

Get out of there as soon as you can would be my advice OP.

[MistyBerkowitz]

@BubziOwl

There's being stressed by new living arrangements, and then there's calling a new mother fat.

Get out of there as soon as you can would be my advice OP.

I don’t think anyone thinks the grandmother’s behaviour is OK, regardless of stressors, but the only way for the OP to resolve things, realistically, is to leave.

[MoonWoman69]

I think that she's obviously found the thought of you all moving in, very appealing as an idea. Some company for her, time with family etc.
But it seems like the reality has hit her hard. Which it would do, with a baby around at her age. Her offer was very generous, but it's clearly not working out as she imagined. Her space has been invaded and it sounds like it's overwhelming her.
I don't think this is going to improve, as while you're living in her space, she feels she has the automatic right to comment and criticise.
It sounds like it's time to move out OP. Good luck 💐

[Lurkingandlearning]

Is she the kind of person who would insult you in any other situation? If she is usually pleasant then put her rudeness down to tiredness and stress. Part of that stress may be that she has realised she can’t cope with sharing her home with you, especially if she’s used to living alone. She might feel very guilty about that but still not want to ask you to leave. She should be honest about that but she won’t be the first person to find they’ve over estimated what they can do, not wanted to admit and then behaved badly from disappointment and resentment.

The best thing for all of you is for you to take the decision to move out and not leave it up to her to put you out. Ideally moving to a place of your own or you could find yourself in a similar position with other family members. It seldom goes well.

If your grandmother has always been tactless (a bit of a cow) then moving in wasn’t going to lessen regardless of saying she wanted to help you. People tend to help on their own terms.

I hope it all works out for you and doesn’t permanently spoil your relationship with her.

[howdonaldideathqueue]

We were in this position between leaving our rental and buying our first house but it was my partners grandma (and I was pregnant rather than having had the baby!). She was awful to be honest, criticised every single thing we did and complained when I was poorly and spent the day in bed that I was making her uncomfortable etc. so much so that we moved out as soon as we could but it irreparably damaged the relationship between my partner and her and he has barely any contact with her anymore and she has very limited contact with her great grandaughter.

I agree to some extent the other posters stating it may be stressful for her having others in the house but that's what she offered and it doesn't excuse behaving that way towards a new mother at all so I don't think she's the one who should be having the sympathy. But for you OP, you should probably just look at leaving as quickly as you can.

[GoawaySunrise]

I understand it's stressful I truly do. I had to move back in with dps for almost a year while waiting on a tenant to vacate our new home when the home we rented previously was sold. Myself, DH and 4 year old. With their two dogs. It was hell. We were upstairs, so constantly had to make sure ds made no noise(which was impossible and stressful for both of us). I would still say deal with it if you can. You have a plan to not be there long, and if you try to move too early it could cause havoc on your financial plans. Have a heart to heart with her if you can about how it's making you feel. Squeeze out some of those tears building up inside too. Hopefully it may have an effect on her to see how upset you are. I would be thinking twice if I were her and saw that I was truly upsetting you. I hated living with dps at the time, but it set my family up for a better living situation in the long run and now it's a distant memory.

[Venturini]

Move out asap as this isnt’t going to get better anytime soon

[PeachyGreen95]

I really appreciate your messages… of course I understand the stress it has had on her too. We’re trying to be as respectful as possible.. but the constant digs and comments are getting to me. I am also navigating motherhood and this can be full on. Someone mentioned she wasn’t gaining anything financially.. my partner earns an amount during his training which is going directly to her for housekeeping and we also pay for the shopping for the household. I agree that the best thing to do would be to leave as it seems to be taking a toll on our relationship. I knew she could have ‘no filter’ prior to moving in but didn’t think I would be under constant scrutiny.
it would have been ideal to stay for a couple of months until I return to work but I don’t think this will be doable …

[YeahComeOnThen]

@PeachyGreen95

you know she speaks her mind so I assume she'd have said the 'fat/jeans' type thing if you were just visiting??

How old is she??

when had you initially planned to move out?

[YouveGotAFastCar]

Move out.

It’s a massive thing to move in with someone, for all of you. It’s not working. Find somewhere else. You tried, it didn’t work.

Can your partner pause retraining until you are back at work, so you can rent somewhere? I’d do that over bouncing around relatives. That’s hard enough without a baby!

[Delawear]

@PeachyGreen95

I really appreciate your messages… of course I understand the stress it has had on her too. We’re trying to be as respectful as possible.. but the constant digs and comments are getting to me. I am also navigating motherhood and this can be full on. Someone mentioned she wasn’t gaining anything financially.. my partner earns an amount during his training which is going directly to her for housekeeping and we also pay for the shopping for the household. I agree that the best thing to do would be to leave as it seems to be taking a toll on our relationship. I knew she could have ‘no filter’ prior to moving in but didn’t think I would be under constant scrutiny.
it would have been ideal to stay for a couple of months until I return to work but I don’t think this will be doable …

Even if you were a model guest, she probably would find something to complain about! Don’t beat yourself up, see moving to somewhere new as an act of self care for you and your family if you possibly can. 💐

What do you need to do to move? Can you and your partner make some time when the baby is asleep, or you’re out with the pushchair, for making plans? Preferably in a space where she won’t overhear you and you can make phone calls if need be? Maybe a sympathetic relative or friend would let you use their place for an hour or so.

I would just tell her (when you have a place to go lined up) that it was kind of her to host but it isn’t working and everyone needs their own space. If it helps keep things on better terms you could offer a reasonable notice period if she was relying on the financial contribution, assuming you had no formal arrangements in place.

[exomoon]

@PeachyGreen95

I really appreciate your messages… of course I understand the stress it has had on her too. We’re trying to be as respectful as possible.. but the constant digs and comments are getting to me. I am also navigating motherhood and this can be full on. Someone mentioned she wasn’t gaining anything financially.. my partner earns an amount during his training which is going directly to her for housekeeping and we also pay for the shopping for the household. I agree that the best thing to do would be to leave as it seems to be taking a toll on our relationship. I knew she could have ‘no filter’ prior to moving in but didn’t think I would be under constant scrutiny.
it would have been ideal to stay for a couple of months until I return to work but I don’t think this will be doable …

I hope you can move out to in laws soon and find some peace

And avoid this fat shaming grandma when you move out, you owe her no visits or care.

[exomoon]

@saraclara

She probably offered this to be helpful, without appreciating how stressful she would find it to have two adults and a baby in her home for an extended period

That. I adore my kids and my grandkids and see as much of then as I can. But I'm used to living alone quietly, and I'm as sure as I can be that even a week of having them live with me would be really hard.

The grandma does not sound adoring, she’s a fat shaming and controlling arsehole and I hope OP gives her a wide berth in future.