Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To scrap ‘evening’ invitations to weddings

269 replies

AgualusasLover · 15/04/2024 18:06

I don’t really get it anyway as I come from a culture where you either invite people or you don’t.

BUT, putting that to one side, is this practice outdated now? More people get married further away making an evening invitation costly for what it is (according to what I read here anyway), often requiring travel and accommodation etc. For example, I’ve previously been invited to the evening portion of a wedding of someone I used to work with, we have coffee every so often etc. I couldn’t make the date anyway, but I would not have been offended to have not been invited since we aren’t close enough for ‘whole’ day.

Should we just scrap evening invitations?

OP posts:
Putthekettleon73 · 15/04/2024 19:36

Hmmm. My registry office had a limited capacity so I prioritised people who I wanted to see the ceremony, rather who I think were bothered about the ceremony. Then everyone else came for through hog roast/ceilidh/party bit! Work colleagues and some other friends. Some friend with kids. I think it worked well?!

Workawayxx · 15/04/2024 19:37

I think they can be useful in some circumstances. But if it’s in any way inconvenient or you don’t fancy it just say no.

For my wedding, there were some people who had invited my parents to their children’s evening do’s (same village) and my husband (now ex!) had a lot of friends in the area from being local and years and years of pub sports, team sports etc. Far too many to invite to the full thing (which was already well over 100!) but who all turned up and had a great time in the evening with food and a band. Most were local anyway so it was just a fun Saturday night for them but no obligation to come and no present list etc. Tbh the big party was the best bit about the whole thing. Apart from the ££ spent 🤦🏻‍♀️😂.

Sadiee0 · 15/04/2024 19:38

@easylikeasundaymorn yeah they sound about 12 with their laughing emojis and lols. Yawn 💤

Caffeineneedednow · 15/04/2024 19:39

No we shouldn't scrap it.

However I am not having any at mine for the reasons you mentioned. We are getting married a flight and 2 hour drive from where we live in my home town. I would invite my work friends to the afters but for the reason of travel its not a viable option, so the close ones are coming and the rest I'll have a drink with in our local to celebrate.
But I have been to a couple of ones of colleagues who have got married on the general vicinity of the town I live in.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:42

Yes. It's odd to have a two tier celebration.

AngelQuartz · 15/04/2024 19:42

Sadiee0 · 15/04/2024 19:38

@easylikeasundaymorn yeah they sound about 12 with their laughing emojis and lols. Yawn 💤

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
God I love Mumsnet.

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 19:46

Well of course YABU to suggest that people shouldn't have additional guests to a party in the evening of their wedding day.

What has it got to do with you what other people do ?

I mean, if you are getting married and choose to only have the guests you can afford to pay for a sit down meal for. That's fine.
If you get invited to an evening Reception and you choose not to go - again, that is fine (as long as your RSVP to that effect rather than just not turning up).

But it is utterly bizarre to suggest "we" shouldn't have something just because you don't like the idea. Confused

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 15/04/2024 19:48

We didn't do evening invitations. Either we wanted people there to celebrate with us, or not.

Caused a few family ructions, as my father wanted to invite almoat everyone he had ever met to the ceremony and for a champagne/canape reception, then have a brief break while the majority left and then we would have a smaller party after. Because that was how 'society' weddings were done in his day. The battle to get him to accept it was our wedding, not his, and we weren't doing it that way.

cariadlet · 15/04/2024 19:49

I've only ever had 1 evening invitation and that was for a work colleague.

The actual wedding was small (family and close friends only) but a much bigger evening venue.
It was local enough for dp to give me a lift over, I bought a present but not a new outfit, no accommodation cost or childcare arrangements to work out (dd went along with dp for the ride and then went back home with him).

In those circumstances, I was quite happy to just turn up for the evening.

I wouldn't accept an evening only invitation that involved a lot of travel, a lot of expense or going to a morning ceremony and then being expected to entertain myself until the evening part began.

Confusionn · 15/04/2024 19:49

I don't think people realise that evening invites are really just a British thing. I can't think of anywhere else that does them??

Frances0911 · 15/04/2024 19:53

The evening is usually dire anyway, everyone is either drunk or tired and had enough by then.

WhereIsMyLight · 15/04/2024 19:56

As soupdragon said it’s the self importance of thinking you should be at the whole day. We had an evening do, being brutally honest, they wouldn’t have made the cut if we’d had to pay for a full 3 course meal for them. However, we aren’t against celebrating with them. For some it was a financial decision, by the time we invited all the cousins from both our sides it would have pushed the bill up considerably so it’s just easier to say no cousins to the day and evening only.

We had our wedding in my home town and so many of DH’s cousins couldn’t make it as they weren’t close geographically. We sent an evening invite to his cousin in the US and she sent us a message to decline (obviously) but thanked us for still inviting her, that she sometimes got forgotten and people would not send an invite because they knew she wouldn’t be able to make it. She felt like us sending an invite when we knew she wouldn’t just let her know we were still thinking about her.

Most of the people who came to our evening do were friends of my mum because I wanted her to have a good time with her friends, same for some of my grandparents friends who were local. These were people I’ve known for many years and probably been to a meal with them to celebrate something for my grandparents and my mum, so they’re close friends. We had some extended family (who I invited to the evening out of obligation only) who got upset that I’d also invited some of my grandparents friends and they were in the same tier as them. My mum and grandparents wouldn’t have been offended if they didn’t get an invite at all but the extended family would have been even more pissed off to not be invited at all, but it was an obligation for me to invite them. An evening do does address those you are obligated to invite without causing world war 3.

I think evening dos have kind of fallen out of favour anyway because the traditional model isn’t really done anymore. Since our wedding, I’ve only been to 2 weddings that have had the structure of ceremony somewhere between 11am and 2pm, day guests for meal and then evening guests. Both of those were two people marrying from the same area and in the same area they’ve always lived in, so easy to have multiple layers of closeness all locally. Others have all been a mix of registry office and big party a few weeks later, wedding starts at 4pm and straight into a casual evening do and even a wedding that started at 2 and finished at 6 with afternoon tea (which for me, personally, was a waste of time). I just think it’s seen as the traditional way of doing it and some couples are just choosing not to accept that model.

x2boys · 15/04/2024 19:57

AgualusasLover · 15/04/2024 18:50

Yes, that’s what I mean. No separate invitations, not that there would be nothing happening in the evening.

Well I don't think you can make compulsory that people only invite guests for the whole wedding or not al all .

Original poster
AgualusasLover · 15/04/2024 19:58

@NewName24 of course, it has nothing to do with me. It’s just an AIBU passing the time of day.

In many of the examples given e.g. the village wedding that would be covered by invitations to the whole thing that basically say ‘to You and Your Family’ which may or may not include your grandma. Would definitely include your kids. But then my deceased grandmother’s friend who I hadn’t seen for 20 years came to my wedding a 4 hour flight away and she hadn’t received an invitation at all. 🤣

OP posts:
ncforthisone345 · 15/04/2024 19:59

Interesting how split we are on whether the day time or the evening bit is the most fun. I'm such an old romantic that I love a wedding ceremony and all the speeches. But dancing with the drunk uncle while a wedding band butchers Stevie Wonder is not my idea of a good time.

SallyWD · 15/04/2024 20:02

I don't know if they should be scrapped but I have to admit I'm not keen. I love all my friends and don't like this two tiers of friendship notion.
My friend invited me to his wedding ceremony at the church and then the evening do of his wedding - not the afternoon bit which included dinner and speeches. I said thank you very much but I was secretly offended. I thought we were really close friends! It was also a real hassle as the church and reception venue were in the middle of nowhere so we were stuck in the countryside in our fancy clothes with nothing to do for several hours!
Then the dinner and speeches went on for an hour longer than they should have. All us evening guests were shut in this other room while there was great hilarity going on next door to us. So we could hear everything that was happening but we were shut out of the room! I have to say I felt the whole thing was very badly organised and the evening guests weren't made to feel welcome at all.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 20:03

I know what people mean about tiers though, A list and B list. I was once just invited to the evening do and I was a bit peeved, so I just didn't go.
I think it's just a way to extend the day and have a bigger do.

Original poster
AgualusasLover · 15/04/2024 20:03

@ncforthisone345 I hope you are braced for
my next Wedding AIBU.

A DJ is almost always a better choice than a band.

<waits patiently for everyone to tell me how wonderful their actual band was> 🤣😂

OP posts:
Itsokish · 15/04/2024 20:06

We had an evening reception and invited 100 extra guests. We paid for a coach from our local town and there were very few people who declined. Provided a buffet and three free drinks at the bar . Cannot remember anyone feeling left out and all the angst that happen nowadays with evening invites! . It was great to have so many friends and family. About 200 including the daytime guests .
Quite a few evening guests came to the wedding service which was about 20 miles from our local town which was lovely. Lots of children came as well. It was just such a great day.

peacocksuite · 15/04/2024 20:07

I've only been invited to an evening do of a wedding twice. One was of a childhood friend from primary but we weren't close in secondary onwards, the other was the daughter of my boyfs (at the time) family friend. Both was entirety appropriate and enjoyed going to both.

I think if you're inviting people who are local to your venue it's really nice.

ncforthisone345 · 15/04/2024 20:08

Wedding bands are awful and this comes from someone whose ex was in a (pretty pricey) wedding band. He was a session musician just doing it for extra cash. I have to say they really ruin a wedding for me! The acoustics are always crap as well.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 20:09

@Itsokish - that sounds like a great day, and if you have the budget, go for it!
Ours was very small because we were saving for a house. Also we didn't have parents who could pay for a big wedding like that. That's just the way of it. We got a house and are still happily married 36 years on!

MaybeImbad · 15/04/2024 20:13

I think a wedding and a separate evening shindig for everyone is grand! But it does mean people should be close - don’t invite people in London for an evening do in the shetlands or vice versa.

And I think it’s really bad form to invite for the ceremony and the evening do but not the sit down meal…which is what happened to me with someone who clearly just wanted to fill Shrewsbury Abbey but couldn’t actually afford the wedding of their dreams…

peacocksuite · 15/04/2024 20:13

peacocksuite · 15/04/2024 20:07

I've only been invited to an evening do of a wedding twice. One was of a childhood friend from primary but we weren't close in secondary onwards, the other was the daughter of my boyfs (at the time) family friend. Both was entirety appropriate and enjoyed going to both.

I think if you're inviting people who are local to your venue it's really nice.

I should say we went to the evening do only not the wedding, which was perfect in those circumstances, as it felt we were there just to raise a toast and celebrate the union of a couple who we were fond of but not that close to.

I'd be miffed about going to a wedding then nothing then be expected to turn up to the evening afterwards.

Pepsiisbetterthancoke · 15/04/2024 20:13

Evening invites for acquaintances, work colleagues, neighbours etc are perfectly normal and people that fall into those categories do not, in my experience, throw a strop that they didn’t get a full day invite

Its usually expected that you turn up around 7.30, the reception side of the day starts, everyone has a drink, dance and some food

Usually people go in groups (like work colleagues) and they may or may not bring partners. Again no issue if partner not invited

Gifts are not expected but if given they are gratefully received. And of people decline because they can’t come or feel offended then that’s fine too

So no I don’t agree they should be scrapped. Had great times at evening receptions both with and without my partner