To scrap ‘evening’ invitations to weddings

[AgualusasLover]

I don’t really get it anyway as I come from a culture where you either invite people or you don’t.

BUT, putting that to one side, is this practice outdated now? More people get married further away making an evening invitation costly for what it is (according to what I read here anyway), often requiring travel and accommodation etc. For example, I’ve previously been invited to the evening portion of a wedding of someone I used to work with, we have coffee every so often etc. I couldn’t make the date anyway, but I would not have been offended to have not been invited since we aren’t close enough for ‘whole’ day.

Should we just scrap evening invitations?

I don't mind the idea of evening only invites as weddings are so expensive these days (or can be). That said, we didn't have them for ours, if we wanted people there we wanted them there for the whole thing and luckily could afford the relatively small number of people who counted!

I do think couples should be a bit more considerate who they invite evening only - we were invited to evening only 4hrs away on a Friday. So we have had to take at least 1/2 day annual leave and 8hr round trip and an overnight just to be there for maybe 4hrs? That seemed pretty inconsiderate (and they were a bit weird about it when we politely said no!).

I don't think they should be scrapped -
just ensure your guests are hosted well.

If one doesn't wish to attend then just send regrets.

I personally have no interest in attending evening dos which aren't local to me.

The first time i went to an evening do hours away, was also the last. You live and you learn - it's just not worth it imo.

Not at all, evening invitations are fine. It gives the chance for valued but less close local friends and colleagues to join without having to commit a whole day or the couple having to fund their meal etc. It would be nice for money not to be an object but this isn't the case for most couples.

Also if you don't know a couple that well, it is nice to join their celebrations but I am happy to skip speeches etc.

It has to be done properly though, evening attendees made welcome and offered hospitality. Also evening invitations extended to appropriate people, not to someone who would have to travel for hours as that just looks thoughtless and as though the couple don't care if they attend or don't.

Thank you . It was back in the day where we were lucky that my Mum helped out. We paid a lot towards the evening reception and I paid for the bridesmaid's dresses ,shoes ,make up and accommodation in my village .
It wasn’t outrageous cost wise ,because we had a friend running the bar and another in charge of music. My mums friends came and were very generous with paying for the bar . It was a combination of lovely people dipping in .
Not sure what a wedding similar to ours would cost now. All in all about £16 000 For ours i think .
we definitely wouldn’t have that money for all three of ours but would help as much as we could. Mil contributed contributed £200 for the toast!

My DH felt so strongly about only being invited to the evening part of a wedding that for ours everyone was invited to the full day. To be fair it meant it was a smaller wedding, around 100 but it was fab!
I personally don't mind what part of a wedding I'm invited to!

I don't have a problem with tiers of guests
An "evening" tier is surely no different/preferable to invited/not invited?
We had 80 for the day - 2/3s family, 1/3 close friends. Then a further 80 at least in the evening including friends from different places (work/school/sports) that we would normally socialise with, but there was no way we were finding a venue with ceremony and sit down meal for 160+.
Then there were obviously people who weren't invited at all.

Evening guests got a buffet. Just as your would at any party.

It wouldn't bother me if anyone declined the invitation but certainly evening guests expected to travel I would understand....but that doesn't mean I shouldn't invite them.

Our evening guests had an amazing time . Never occurred to me that they were feeling inferior. We all had such fun. Absolutely bloody brilliant for everyone.
I was lucky that everyone just wanted to celebrate our day instead of thinking of the politics 🤦‍♀️

@Chatonette do you understand that some people just cannot afford to cater for all their friends. My wedding definitely didn’t offend friends that were not invited to the whole day . They were just so happy to be involved. Maybe my friends are a bit more levelheaded 🤷‍♀️

We could, you know, leave it up to
individual couples how they organise their weddings? Just an idea.

I prefer the evening part. I would hate to spend all day in heels waiting for things to take place and find it quite boring with the ceremony. I prefer to turn up for the evening and get the party started after having a decent sleep and time for hair and make up and having energy.

I don’t think so. We had 100 to the wedding and meal but I had a lot of other people I wanted there but we couldn’t afford to have them and the venue didn’t have capacity for everyone. for the whole day. If you can afford to everyone to the whole day and the venue can accommodate everyone of course go ahead.

I disagree especially if you live and have your wedding in a city.
My cousin and her husband had 100 family and close friends including their partners and kids all day, and almost 100 more evening guests including their colleague and friends of friends that they like and all these peoples partners - they're a popular friendly pair so they have a lot of friends.

However if people have to travel to the wedding they should all get a meal

I don't get it either - where I grew up it was the whole shebang or nothing. And the interminable wait too - my own wedding was planned fir minimal 'hanging around' and made sure guests were well fed and lubricanted (I also think cash bars are odd). @Sadiee0 I don't know what birthday celebrations have to do with weddings - you don't have segments with those kind of parties. The OP isn't saying scrap the evening part, just having it as a separate invite.

Different things suit different people.
I grew up in a northern town in the 70s/80s. Most families had been there for generations so had big families and lots of friends. Frequently the bride and groom lived near each other and had a lot of mutual friends. It was very much the norm that immediate family and close friends were invited to the whole day and there was a smallish sit down reception for them in the afternoon. More distant cousins etc, plus friends and work colleagues were invited to a much bigger evening reception which was basically a buffet and a disco, possibly in a different venue to the earlier meal. It wasn't unusual for evening guests or indeed local people who weren't invited at all but maybe knew the couple from childhood to show up at the church to watch the ceremony but they'd sit at the back and not expect to be in the photos or anything. If someone was invited to the ceremony however, they'd always also be invited to both receptions.
I think that sort of wedding is less common nowadays, partly because people are far more geographically mobile and partly just because fashions change. I don't think there's anything wrong with just inviting people to the evening provided they live reasonably close. Not everyone can afford a huge wedding and it is a way of inviting more people that you would like to celebrate with. I don't think it is reasonable to expect people to travel long distances or have to stay in a hotel to just attend that part of the day though and I particularly dislike the trend for inviting people to the ceremony and the evening do but expecting them to entertain themselves for hours in between whilst the afternoon reception is on. I think that is a bit rude. But then I'm getting old and it would have definitely not been the done thing in my youth. If I got that type of invitation I'd almost certainly decline but I wouldn't make a fuss about it. If someone invites you to something you're not keen on you can always say no thanks.

Same experience as @MrsAvocet (tho not Northern and a bit older )

Also this
I don't have a problem with tiers of guests
An "evening" tier is surely no different/preferable to invited/not invited?
We had 80 for the day - 2/3s family, 1/3 close friends. Then a further 80 at least in the evening including friends from different places (work/school/sports) that we would normally socialise with, but there was no way we were finding a venue with ceremony and sit down meal for 160+.
Then there were obviously people who weren't invited at all.

Evening guests got a buffet. Just as your would at any party.

It wouldn't bother me if anyone declined the invitation but certainly evening guests expected to travel I would understand....but that doesn't mean I shouldn't invite them.

120 in total, so 40 extra in the evening.

Not at all.

We have two young DCs. It’s not feasible to have someone look after them for the entire day.

Happy to skip the boring part and head straight to the party 🥳

There is literally a post on AIBU along the lines of, ‘I was only invited to the evening reception’ on Mumsnet every. single. day. This tells me everything I need to know about the amount of offence they cause.

I think its fine when they are used appropriately- eg your neighbours or work colleagues

my and my bf, now dh were invited to an evening reception, we went to the church, booked a hotel, and disappeared for the afternoon after the church, and then appeared in the evening.
we had no idea that we should have been insulted.
another friend invited us to his wedding and then said do you want to come to the wedding or just the evening! and we said wedding. completely oblivious.
life was easier.

I said YANBU because I misread the question and thought the OP was talking about her wedding, not weddings in general.

Of course other people can decide what to do at their own wedding.

A party which usually costs a lot to attend once you've factored in travel, possible overnight accomodation, a gift, possibly a babysitter. And most of the other guests will have been there all day once you arrive. Just sounds like more hassle than it's worth.

Had exactly the same conversation years ago when planning our own wedding.

We invited everyone all day! No evening guests, didn’t want to put anyone on the ‘b’ list, hated the idea we’d cause offense.

FWIW I’ve declined evening invites as I just couldn’t be bothered with it all. Not offended but just realised I hadn’t made the ‘cut’ so decided I’d rather spend money elsewhere!

The real question should be 'why are we continuing this outdated, expensive, competitive, practice?'
Given the threads on wedding trauma regarding who to invite, where to sit them, not upsetting aunty mags by sitting her within 4 miles of cousin janet's ex-husband's uncle's ex-wife..., why???!!!!