To scrap ‘evening’ invitations to weddings

[AgualusasLover]

I don’t really get it anyway as I come from a culture where you either invite people or you don’t.

BUT, putting that to one side, is this practice outdated now? More people get married further away making an evening invitation costly for what it is (according to what I read here anyway), often requiring travel and accommodation etc. For example, I’ve previously been invited to the evening portion of a wedding of someone I used to work with, we have coffee every so often etc. I couldn’t make the date anyway, but I would not have been offended to have not been invited since we aren’t close enough for ‘whole’ day.

Should we just scrap evening invitations?

I find it terribly boring sitting about in church, hanging about for photos, mass catering… I’m always thrilled to get an evening invitation! Means you don't have to shell out on such an expensive present, you’re there for the fun part and I get my Saturday daytime to myself. Win win!

We are from a south Asain background

As OP stated, in our "culture" as well, you were either invited to the whole thing or nothing (I dont know what the op's culture is but it sounded like my culture)

Fast forward to recent years in our culture - as people are busy and the pre-wedding party, the wedding, the wedding parties can be long - some people are having a close family only wedding - break of a few hours and party from about 6 until midnight

The other thing we have noted and we have done is not turn up at the main wedding which starts from just before 10am ie breakfast and traditional event, then wedding completed by 1pm - we avoid that and many people do and the cash bless that was often given at the wedding is now handed in a card etc

Times are changing

If someone invites you and if they are like us only invite those they feel likle inviting, then one must attend some or all of it

The weddings are often attned by hundreds and the paritea have a couple more hundred people and thinking back - a waste of money, spend the thousands on reducing the mortgage and have a smaller wedding

My ‘rule’ is in no way a rule 😀. In my (own, personal world) we would just pick a venue that could have everyone we wanted then invite them.

Yes, I know not everyone is in my world.
Yes, I know people prioritise different things.

Lol🤣

The difference is there isn’t all day guests and evening guests for birthday parties. For weddings there is.

“but if I get invited and I’m free I will go.”

well there you go then why would you want anyone to scrap the invites if you would accept one? Lots of people have day guests then added evening guests due to costs, the day is a lot more expensive so usually a certain amount of numbers for closest friends and family with extra guests on an evening that you also want to share part of your wedding with

If it's a registry office with a small number of people it's understandable. If it's in a (not tiny) church then if I'm not invited to the ceremony then I'm not fussed about the after party. I wouldn't mind skipping the sit down meal.

I agree

How much is the evening do per head these days for the bride and groom?

I went to one where there were bacon rolls, and one where there was a BBQ

I've had a couple of these invitations recently but they were worse because we were invited to the ceremony in a town about 2 hours away and then needed to find something to do until 7pm for the evening do. We just went to the ceremony, paid our respects and then went home.

The best weddings I've been to have had ceremony followed by lots of lovely cakes, tea and a glass of fizz for everyone and then after that the bridal party and close friends/family goes on to the evening meal elsewhere. This way there's no waiting around for hours and there isn't this sense of 'two tiers' of guests.

I don't like evening only invitations because I always feel like I'm playing catch up as to what's going on, I also don't drink and everybody is usually very drunk by this point so hard to chat to people anyway!

I turn down evening only invites now. I don't normally have childcare, it's a pain in the arse to sort stuff out just for a couple of hours. I don't take any offence at evening only invites but I just politely say we are busy.

My ideal wedding would be ceremony, then bbq and cake after the photos.

So you'd refuse an evening invite because you'd felt you'd missed out? "Lol"

I prefer an evening invitation to a wedding
I feel I'm.raring to go opposed to feeling a bit tired after an early start and full of wedding food and also that lul after the speeches
Just feels like party time and can enjoy celebrating the happy couple .

Why is there any need to scrap something thats optional?

B &G can invite, invitees choose whether to accept the invitation, its a nicely simple thing and allows for flexibility for wedding arrangements

Nope.

But if I were to get married I’d invite everyone for the full day. The last wedding I went to there were no evening guests, everyone was invited for the full day. Just my preference.

Is that okay with you? 🤣

We didn't have an evening do but it was 42 years ago. Got married at 1 pm had a buffet in the working men's club ( all done by us and close family) it was a double wedding with my sister. We both had family, colleagues and close friends. All done by 7pm so me and DH went to our home, got changed and went to the pub we always went to. Obviously there were friends there but it wasn't a do.

Can you imagine some of the bridezillas these days with a homemade buffet and in a club? They'd have a heart attack. It was perfect and we're still married.

I found it offensive to be invited to an evening do only and not the actual wedding of someone I had considered a friend. If you don't want me there then just don't invite me.

I went to the evening do but I thought it was like I was a second class friend. It was the death of our friendship.
No evening only invites for my wedding as that's really offensive.

If the church had been one that had some special significance to them and was too small to host all the guests they wanted then that would be one thing. It wasn't. To just go in the second class friend category was pretty hurtful.

A group of work colleagues is more understandable.

I'm confused why this was funny or why you felt what the OP said needed "explaining" when the other poster clearly understood it. Their point made sense - if you're suggesting getting rid of evening invitations solely on the basis that it is expensive/awkward to attend something only for a few hours then surely the same logic would apply to any other event that isn't a full day one.

tbh while I don't think it needs to be scrapped I think it's becoming rarer. All the weddings I've been to (and there have been a lot recently) the only ones where there were evening guests were where the venue was close to the bride/groom's home town, so there were additional invites to colleagues/friends of bride/groom's parents, who wouldn't have had to travel far nor would have ever expected an invite to the whole day, but were happy to pop round for a drink and a chat/congratulations. Always seemed to work out well for all concerned, evening guests got a evening out, wedding couple were usually given something as a present, and people happy for them, even if they weren't close friends etc. I've never been to a wedding where there was an expectation evening guests would travel miles or go out of their way to attend.

But then I'm an adherent of the old MN fave, it's an invite not a summons. If I got an evening invite that was too expensive/awkward to get to I'd just politely reject it. As long as married couple don't get offended if evening invite is rejected then I can see why it's nicer to offer it (even if they probably don't expect you to come) than no invite at all. If someone is the type to get offended by an evening invite then there's probably a good reason they weren't invited to the main ceremony!

I wouldn't travel for an evening invitation unless I knew others (that I liked their company!) that were going and we were going to make a day of it - go for a meal together first.

Local evening invitations I'd go to, same as any other night out.

I think nowadays people have a much bigger disposable income and can have layers of celebrations. When me and my friends got married it was a church service late morning, and the church hall afterwards for the wedding breakfast (lunch). A hotel if you were a bit posher.
Then the bride and groom were seen off on honeymoon, usually having the car decorated and tin cans attached!
All this business of make up artists, loads of bridesmaids, an extra do in the evening would be beyond the reach of ordinary people.
So splash the cash all you want!

@easylikeasundaymorn I'm confused why this was funny or why you felt what the OP said needed "explaining" when the other poster clearly understood it

For God’s sake, I used a laughing emoji because I thought the comparison of a wedding to a birthday party was a bit daft. It’s not that deep. I’m not sat here in hysterics, no need to be confused.

I've been hurt a couple of times in the past when someone that I've considered to be a good friend has invited me to their evening do, but invited all other friends from that friendship group to the whole day. It stung, I won't lie.

I don't mind going to an evening reception if I'm going with a group and we're all invited together (such as work friends' weddings) but I just think there is the potential to really hurt close friends with the two tier system

@Sadiee0 the difference between a 40th/50th and an evening do is that at the 40th/50th everyone is on an equal footing and arriving at the same time.

We went to the evening do of a friend of DH's wedding. DH and the others were on a post grad course with the groom. About 10 of us arrived and went to the bar - we weren't allowed in as the speeches hadn't finished. When the doors finally opened and the music started, everyone was already half cut and stayed in their seats and carried on chatting. We had nowhere to sit and generally felt like spare parts. We left in under an hour.

I've had similar experiences in the past with work colleagues. No thanks.

People local to where you live (and the venue), say work colleagues or maybe neighbours, perhaps. Not otherwise.

The best thing any Tory MP has ever done was to introduce the law that allows for non-religious venues to host weddings. So no need to go to a church which many couples getting married hardly ever set foot in otherwise. Even more reason to have ceremony then food etc as one event.