Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Diddlyumptious · 16/04/2024 22:28

He didn't go AWOL he had a breakdown, not like he went abroad for a year so that's a tad unfair. Why does he need to be on the cert, clearly didn't think necessary at time of registration

justasking111 · 16/04/2024 22:35

I wouldn't put him on the certificate now he's too ambivalent about it.

Will simplify your life legally if he has issues in the future.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2024 23:10

Muddlingalongsomehow · 16/04/2024 17:51

Re: "you could have put him on anyway at the time" comments - no, you can't, if you're not married to him. The father has to attend the registration in that case. Otherwise you could have any mum just putting down Prince Harry or David Beckham or Nigel Farage or whoever. If you're married, there's a presumption of legitimacy, ie the husband is the dad, end of.

At least, that's how it was when I used to answer queries on this at the relevant govt department long ago.

You can certainly add him later but again he has to be part of the process.

(I recently read a novel set in WWII where the mum put some soldier boyfriend on the birth certificate in his absence... Er, no. And the plot hinged on it, so...)

In WWII you probably could.

The law changed (relatively) recently. When Ihad my son in 1990 I wasnt married and was asked if I wanted the fathers details on the certificate, he didnt have to be there and I didnt have to prove anything, so I really could have put anyone if I so chose. The law changed because men didnt like that being allowed to happen without their consent. The reasoning was that it could be someone elses kid or she could pin it on some poor innocent bloke, but personally I think it was the dead beats who didnt want to be forced to step up if they were named.

As usual a change in law to benefit irresponsible men and disadvantage women and children.

2boyzNosleep · 16/04/2024 23:29

His name being on the birth certificate is a big deal.

For a start, he may be wary that you have anterior motives for it, such as the possibility of taking him to court and trying to get more out of him. Not saying that you would but there are people like that.

Another, if he is on the birth certificate and has another episode/breakdown, he will be able to legally challenge you for full custody of your child. Again, not saying he would but considering he did a disappearing act due to his mental health, it may resurface in the above form. In this instance it makes sense that he would avoid being put on the birth certificate to protect his child and you.

Both are extremes but just because he's the biological father doesn't mean putting him on the birth certificate is the right thing to do. Legally, he will have a huge amount of power. If there was any future disputes then it could boil down to him having to give you permission to go abroad, etc.

Honestly, it's sad to have children without their fathers on the birth certificate but I think for now it's probably best that he isn't. Reconsider in the future when he's been in her life for longer.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 16/04/2024 23:59

but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this?

Yes, very.

SuperGreens · 17/04/2024 00:14

Im disgusted by him, how pathetic. I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate, at this stage he's barely a step above sperm doner. He only pays what he has to because he legally has to in his current employment contract. He will always be a disappointment, first to you and soon enough to your daughter. Move on and build a life he has no part in, protect her from this.

Xenoi24 · 17/04/2024 01:26

He'd get parental rights.

He's he able to collect her from school and not give her back.

He'd be able to block you leaving the country for holidays etc.

He'd have a say in medical care, vaccinations etc.

I wouldn't put him on, not with his background.

laminaHK · 17/04/2024 08:39

I really feel for you & you sound like a great mum just wanting your daughter to have two parents and for her not be asking questions later in life. I’m sorry he wasn’t there for you and things didn’t happen as you planned.

I personally would try and accept the situation for as it is. You’re right that any decent father would jump at the chance to make amends and be legally listed as his daughter’s father after how he acted. He is THAT terrified of responsibility and that’s really sad….

I really hope that he carries on being a good dad and doesn’t have any more wobbles, but based on what you’ve said & my experience with my own dad, I’d be a little worried that he might let you / your daughter down again.

My best advice would be to leave things as they are, hope he is there as a dad to your daughter and that they have a great relationship, regardless of the birth certificate. You carry on being a great mum & be civil with him. Keep being positive about them building a relationship and just remember that you’re doing a good job & what’s best for your daughter.
She will grow up and appreciate that you were good at co-parenting and maybe one day even know what’s happened with her biological dad and probably respect you even more 🩷🩷 sending love!

justasking111 · 17/04/2024 08:46

2boyzNosleep · 16/04/2024 23:29

His name being on the birth certificate is a big deal.

For a start, he may be wary that you have anterior motives for it, such as the possibility of taking him to court and trying to get more out of him. Not saying that you would but there are people like that.

Another, if he is on the birth certificate and has another episode/breakdown, he will be able to legally challenge you for full custody of your child. Again, not saying he would but considering he did a disappearing act due to his mental health, it may resurface in the above form. In this instance it makes sense that he would avoid being put on the birth certificate to protect his child and you.

Both are extremes but just because he's the biological father doesn't mean putting him on the birth certificate is the right thing to do. Legally, he will have a huge amount of power. If there was any future disputes then it could boil down to him having to give you permission to go abroad, etc.

Honestly, it's sad to have children without their fathers on the birth certificate but I think for now it's probably best that he isn't. Reconsider in the future when he's been in her life for longer.

I agree. @wooldryxptto really doesn't want escalations like this

justasking111 · 17/04/2024 08:47

Xenoi24 · 17/04/2024 01:26

He'd get parental rights.

He's he able to collect her from school and not give her back.

He'd be able to block you leaving the country for holidays etc.

He'd have a say in medical care, vaccinations etc.

I wouldn't put him on, not with his background.

Edited

Exactly

Jojomason44 · 17/04/2024 10:22

My thoughts are with your little girl who will one day realise that her father did not want to be on her birth certificate.
You are doing a great job.

toxic44 · 17/04/2024 10:45

You say you can't believe he's the same man. He isn't. A nervous breakdown can be a sign of serious mental health issues. It changes people. He can't help being difficult and different. Probably it has taken a year for his mental health to improve sufficiently for him to approach you. My DP had a severe breakdown from work pressure. He became unreliable, indecisive, very easily panicked and desperate to be himself again. Even now he literally runs away from any uncomfortable or new situation and despises himself for that. He can't use the phone or public transport because of the potential unknown consequences. It's hard work coping with a partner's poor mental health. The real question is, do you want that work and responsibility.

PurpleElf · 17/04/2024 11:04

wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 19:24

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

If you still want to go ahead with adding him to the certificate, I would suggest not doing anything about changing DD’s surname to include his. The reality is that you are most likely going to be doing all the heavy parenting over the next 18 years and he will continue to swan in and out of her life as he chooses. What purpose does it serve to include his surname in her name? It’s not going to make him a better dad. Who does it help? Not your DD.

She’s free to use his surname when she’s older if she wants, but it doesn’t do anything to help her now. And if he does go AWOL again in the future, she might resent having his name at all.

OhMaria2 · 17/04/2024 14:01

Somethingsnappy · 15/04/2024 13:58

If he is on the BC, then he also gets parental responsibility in a legal sense. Am I right in thinking this includes needing his permission for certain things, such as talking your child abroad etc? Perhaps other posters can confirm this. Would you really want this with a man who has proven himself so unreliable, and now clearly not very committed too?

That was my first thought too.
OP you need to review this too. Is it worth giving this absolute flame any rights over yiyr daughter? You may come to regret it if you want emigrate or something similar
What if your new partner wants to adopt your daughter etc?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2024 14:57

@wooldryxptto

So now that you have his 'admission of paternity' in writing, maybe just put it with the BC and file them both away. You'll be able to show it to DD at a later date if she has a need to see 'proof' in writing and yet it won't be part of the legal document that would give him parental rights.

Checkandcheckagain · 17/04/2024 15:11

All he said was he would like to think about it. this is to my mind being responsible. He may want to find out what it means, I would wait and see what his response is.

Checkandcheckagain · 17/04/2024 15:21

I see he has now signed it. How are things sitting with you now?

wooldryxptto · 17/04/2024 15:33

Checkandcheckagain · 17/04/2024 15:11

All he said was he would like to think about it. this is to my mind being responsible. He may want to find out what it means, I would wait and see what his response is.

@Checkandcheckagain it means he is the father. Which he is. There is nothing to check. But yes he has now signed it

OP posts:
Willyoujust · 17/04/2024 18:12

Prepare yourself for him disappearing again when she is old enough to remember. You will have to pick up the pieces and help her through the trauma.

contrary13 · 17/04/2024 19:11

Honestly, the amount of people who assume that unmarried mothers can just turn up at the registry office and go "yep, Baby Mother's Last Name, born in X hospital on Y date... yep, that's right? No, no, the dad and I aren't married. No, he's not here - he's busy/working/ill/done a flit/was a one night stand... His name, yep that's Fred Bloggs. Yeah, just put him down...". When actually? Joe Bloggs is the biological other parent.

We can't.

It's very often not that we don't want our children to have full birth certificates, more so that we need the father actually physically sat next to us at the time for this to happen. Legally, if the parents are married, either one can register the baby. In the UK, if the parents aren't married, then, legally, only the mother can do so.

This is why, when a bloke's name is added to the birth certificate at a later date, courts are involved, along with paternity testing, because, again, the onus is on the father to prove that he actually is. It is to protect men and the children alike.

My son is 19 now. Doesn't have his father on his birth certificate. Not because I didn't want him there - because he didn't want to pay the court's fees in order to have himself added. We're (obviously) not married at the time DS was born. At 3 days old, the midwives flagged up an urgent medical issue, our GP stubbornly stuck to the rules of not being able to check it out without a birth certificate (I forget why now), I had to get an urgent/emergency appointment to register DS' birth... and his dad? Was not picking up his phone (we didn't live together, were nearly 30 by this point, and I had a anxious 8 year old to deal with, too. Whilst 3 days post-partum.). The registrar (who was lovely) said, when I double checked, that yes; you and dad just fill this form in, the judge will sign off on it, DS gets a new birth certificate with no blank spaces...

Told his dad this. Repeatedly. Dad looked into it and discovered that he would be responsible for the courts costs. He said he'd think about it. Every time I asked after that, he'd change the subject, until we split when DS was almost 5 (he'd been cheating)... and his father tried to say that I had deliberately not put his name down when I registered DS' birth. Ex-FIL got a sharp shock that day, because I told him the truth - and ex couldn't deny any of it, when his father checked... and discovered that I was right.

Having his father's space blank on his birth certificate hasn't impacted DS' life in any way (neither has it my older child, but her biological 'father' was abusive and keeping him off it, 28 years ago, was done to protect her from abduction to the Middle East by him). Yes, it's frustrating when people think our system works like it seems to in America, where apparently a mother, married or not, seems to be able to have a baby with Joe Bloggs, but name his wealthier brother, Fred Bloggs, and no one checks.

@wooldryxptto - as long as your DD knows who her father is, and he maintains his half of her... and they build a strong relationship, that really is all that matters. It isn't like schools or employers are going to shun her, or people sneer at her like they would have 40 or 50 years ago. I suspect that his reluctance (because it said on the form 20 years ago, and common sense dictates, that a court needs a hard copy and both parents present... otherwise you could have filled it in with some random bloke who isn't biologically anything to do with your DD. Not saying that you would, but some do) is more to do with whatever caused him to abandon you when you were pregnant and needed his support.

Flowers and lots of good wishes.

RawBloomers · 17/04/2024 19:25

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

I wouldn’t change her name just because he’s finally agreed to go on the birth certificate. He’s on there. She has a full record of her birth and parentage. Better for her to have the same surname as the constant in her life (you) than one that highlights someone she can’t necessarily rely on.

OhMaria2 · 17/04/2024 19:44

wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 19:24

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

Please please look at all of the legal ramifications before doing anything

vincettenoir · 17/04/2024 19:51

I wouldn't change your DD's name. She can make that decision when she's older, if she chooses to.

Dotcomma · 18/04/2024 04:10

You'll have all the explaining to do with her as she's growing up - trust me - she will want to know who her dad is if he's not around in the future and his name on her birth certificate might mean the world to her - you only get one dad. No-one knows what's in the future, whether he'll be around or not but if he ever goes to court for access you'll be expected to co-operate and facilitate their relationship no matter how you feel about it - unless there's genuine reasons why not to.

The birth certificate isn't about him it's about who your daughter's father is and whether he's happy to be her father in whatever sense of the word it means to him. Just my thoughts x

ellyeth · 18/04/2024 10:06

I was under the impression that, unless there was some doubt as to who the father is, it is a legal obligation to put the father's name on the birth certificate. Am I wrong?

He presumably is reluctant for his name to be on the certificate because he would then be liable for child maintenance, should you wish to claim it. As he is the father, that is irresponsible and horrible. However, if you think you will be able to manage without child support payments then perhaps it is better to leave it as it is. I don't know what legal rights over your child he would acquire as the named father but I would imagine there are some - eg access. Do you think you would be happy with that, given that his actions have been unpredictable and unreliable in the past - and he shows little real commitment at the moment?