A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

Judgy much? I’m not judging the OP for asking her Ex for his consent. She’s done it, and I don’t think that is a bad thing. But by deciding to take his wishes into consideration, she has to accept the consequence of this is the father might want time to understand the legal and relational import of being on a BC. I don’t think that is a bad thing either.

No she can't when they aren't married.

The father of my children registered all our children but he had to take our marriage certificate with him.

You sound like a great parent. I personally if he refused to be on the birth certificate would be thinking seriously about him having a continued role in my daughter’s life. He has flaked out and caused you great distress and sounds like his lack of preparedness to be forever named on her birth certificate suggest he wants to keep the option of baling out on her should he wish to at any point in the future. I would on that basis be making him back off now while she is you g and at less risk of emotional damage if he does flake out again.

You’re right, I have just checked and it appears the regulations have changed.

Honestly I wonder if your hurt over his abandonment (understandably) is leading to you picking holes in this situation to justify your disappointment in him

you’re right he hasn’t measured up and you don’t need to create further opportunities for him to fail….but now he has a relationship with Dd that’s going well maintaining that in a pleasant environment is the best you can do for her and for you really

you have offered the birth certificate and he is not ready willing or able to progress - is he a bit paranoid maybe

….regardless, life would be easier for you and dd to drop further expectations in him, keep your disappointment in him between yourself and your friends/counsellor whoever

I strongly advise against putting him on it.

You said he hd a mental breakdown during pregnancy and then didn't see her until she was one? That is incredibley strange behaviour. What would you do if he has another mental breakdown and demands custody, or accuses you of abuse and tries to take her.

For your own peace of mind, and to ensure you have full control of the situation I would not put his name down, not yet at least. Wait a few years, watch his behaviour.

I have a friend who i gave this advice to, she didn't take it for wanting to do 'the right thing' and for being sentimental. Right now she is going through hell with her ex trying to control her and an impending court case.

Why would he need time to look into it or consider it?

He is the father and should want to be on his child’s BC.

Its funny that if a mother doesn’t register her child’s birth, then she could be prosecuted.

Yet a father is called wise for taking time to consider whether he wants to do it or not.

He had sex and gave half of his DNA to this child, just like OP did.
He is no less of a biological parent than OP is.
So why is it ok for him to act like parenthood is a choice, when OP is expected to just get on with it.

Thank goodness the child has one parent who cares whether they survive or not.

Reading back through some of the responses I can't believe more women haven't advised you that he gains control wih his name on the BC.

Putting his name on the birth certificate gives him legal rights and legal access. Which can be used against you and your child by him, if he so wishes.

It is number one advice for women from situations of domestic violence or control - avoid putting the fathers name on the birth certificate, so he has no legal hold over you.

I know you haven't said he has commited DV, but his behavious seems odd, and you mentioned 'Mental breakdown', which is worrying.

Nothing is forever, he could go on her bith certificate in 5 years, if he has continued to be balanced and involved. But I would wait and see, no harm in doing so.

He hasnt stepped up though. He had been forced to pay cm and when be sees her you are there doing all the work.

tell him from now on his times are x and he will have sole care and take her to his.

You’re right, I have just checked and it appears the regulations have changed.

Yeah in 1875.

Why? Because he had a mental breakdown and was unable to cope for a full year, at a huge detriment to OP and his DD. If I had serious mental health issues, I would be thinking being on the BC is a massive commitment, can I live up to it? Or will my poor health mean I will only disappoint? Is it fair to give my Ex and DD false hope? Or should I consider further my chances/odds of being well enough to be present and involved parent for the next 17 years?

Him saying he wants time to think about it, doesn’t indicate anything about what he may want or not want.

Simon Cowell?? 😂I can think of some nicer ones if you're just going to completely make something up!

OP he sounds like the worst kind of twat, but nothing you do or say will make him any better, unfortunately. Best just to have 0 expectations, so you won't be disappointed. But by the same token, you don't have to put yourself out any for him.

? Really? I swear it wasn’t the case when I had my DC? I had them in Scotland. Things might be a bit different than England.

I would wait until you see him again then you can talk about it? It does sound as though he is trying with his daughter. Maybe he even thinks he might not be worthy enough to be on the birth certificate if he has low esteem. I hope it goes well.

Absolutely excellent advice that all women need to consider when putting the father on the birth certificate.

Obviously if you are in a secure relationship with a kind man, then you don't need to

But for those of us who had children in difficult circumstances, or unexpectedly with strangers, or who are trying to navigate controlling situations - absolutely consider these points before putting their name down.

? Really? I swear it wasn’t the case when I had my DC? I had them in Scotland. Things might be a bit different than England.

No it's been the case there too since the 19th century that the father would have to attend and acknowledge paternity of so-called "illegitimate children". I think TV soaps and shows like Jeremy Kyle have led people to think the mother can just put the father on it but she can't unless they are married.

What!

How is being on the BC a massive commitment??
He already has a child, that is the commitment.

If he’s not ready to be a parent then he shouldn’t be involved at all.

You don’t get to go away and have a think about whether you want to be a parent or not, whilst playing the role of one (albeit not a very good one).
If you do have these thoughts then don’t get involved with a child that you know you are likely to abandon again.

If he says no I would ask him to write a letter for you to put with the birth certificate to give to DD if she ever asks why he isn’t on it. You don’t want the narrative to become ‘your mum didn’t want me on the birth certificate’. If nothing else, the idea of the letter might make him realise this is something that might well really matter to DD in future.

OP was pregnant before he had a mental breakdown. He could have been ready to be a parent when he was healthy.

You can’t always predict what life has in store for you. We will never know what kind of father he would have been if he had not suffered that breakdown.

You do get to “go away” when you are mentally ill. In fact, you will be hauled away under the mental health act and your children taken from you.

It’s not his choice. And I think he is right to think about his health prospects before making such a commitment. I would be saying the same thing if OP were a single father and it were the mother who were now stable and present. Many mental illnesses cannot be cured, there is always risk of relapse and the patients know this, they know they might have a relapse.

It is not as cut and dry as it is for a healthy, abled person who thinks they will be fine for the next 17yrs and can’t conceive of their health getting in the way of living up to commitments.

f you do have these thoughts then don’t get involved with a child that you know you are likely to abandon again.

I think of abandonment as something deliberate and a choice. I don’t think being too ill, physically or mentally, to cope with life and parenthood as abandonment. My mother was mentally ill and often was absent, but I recognise that she made an effort to be there for me. She did what she could when she could and that counted for something. I think it would have been abandonment if she had done what you advise and not involved herself at all because her illness meant that 100% mother wasn’t possible for her.

I have sympathy for both OP and the Ex because a mental breakdown isn’t something to ignore or minimise or pretend is a choice.

Please read up on Parental Responsibility and the rights your ex will get over your DC once he has it. He would be able to put a stop to you relocate to another country or even (sometimes) have a holiday in another country without your permission. He will also have a say over the medical treatment and education of your DC. Do you really want this? Can you trust him not to use it against you?

I have sympathy for both OP and the Ex because a mental breakdown isn’t something to ignore or minimise or pretend is a choice

Was his mental breakdown diagnosed? Or did he decide it was all a bit much for him and he fucked off somewhere to ignore it?

Fair enough if he was in hospital getting treatment. But handing in your notice and disappearing because you didn't want the alternative isn't necessarily a mental breakdown. It could just as easily be an extremely selfish, immature act.

I dated a man who loved implying he had depression when it suited him to explain away his bad behaviour which including 'disappearing'.

I'm absolutely judging anyone who thinks the man is wise for hesitating before accepting officially that he's the father of this child. He is the father. Whether he likes it or not, or accepts it or not, or has had a mental breakdown or not, he is the father. "Owning up to it" is not a choice he gets to make. However, I'm glad that for the child's sake, and the OP's, that he isn't.

It’s not a choice when you have a serious mental illness, what part of that do you not get? He has to be realistic about his prospects for continued stability or relapse. Of course he will want professional advice on this.

You clearly have no understanding as the complexity of a parent with a mental illness. They don’t have the luxury of just choosing to be well enough to be fully present for years and years into the future.

Gosh, talk about garbled post. But I hope you get the message, OP. Once he has Parental responsibility, he will have a say over every important decision to do with your DC. Which may affect YOUR life badly.