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Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 23:42

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2024 20:13

You need him on the certificate in order to protect your child. If the father were to die, you'd otherwise be left in the position of having to prove the familial connection in order protect any possible inheritance.

hadn’t thought of this but depends on so many factors how much this should weigh on any decision

Bigcat25 · 15/04/2024 23:42

I would give him some time to come around to the idea and not disrupt their bond. That they have a good, consistent bond is the most important thing.

LittleCharlotte · 15/04/2024 23:56

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 23:35

It’s not a choice when you have a serious mental illness, what part of that do you not get? He has to be realistic about his prospects for continued stability or relapse. Of course he will want professional advice on this.

You clearly have no understanding as the complexity of a parent with a mental illness. They don’t have the luxury of just choosing to be well enough to be fully present for years and years into the future.

Show quote history

The man is this child's father. His mental health at the time of conception is irrelevant to the fact that he is the father.

My biological father's own mental health is exactly why I said I would rather my stepdad be on my birth certificate! He has never been "present". That said he is my biological father thus it is correct that he is on the certificate. He didn't get a choice in the matter, either.

KestrelMoon · 16/04/2024 00:05

LittleCharlotte · 15/04/2024 23:56

The man is this child's father. His mental health at the time of conception is irrelevant to the fact that he is the father.

My biological father's own mental health is exactly why I said I would rather my stepdad be on my birth certificate! He has never been "present". That said he is my biological father thus it is correct that he is on the certificate. He didn't get a choice in the matter, either.

Show quote history

Ok, not sure what your post has to do with the fact that the OP gave her Ex the choice. I agree she did not have to, and agree with the pitfalls of her decision to do so, but the fact remains that she has asked her Ex if he wants to be added to the BC or not.

So it is irrelevant realky whether you think he should have no choice, because OP has already given him the opportunity to choose. She is in a difficult position now where it isn’t easy to withdraw the choice she has offered.

champagnetruffleshuffle · 16/04/2024 00:10

I think I would revoke my offer if I were you, rather than leave it hanging and upsetting me. I'd tell him this was a chance to really show how much she means and how seriously he takes being her dad, but he has proven he is not up to it. Perhaps it can be reconsidered in the future but it is too important to be treated lightly.

LittleCharlotte · 16/04/2024 00:12

He didn't have a choice to be a father, is what I'm saying, because he is one.

I entirely judge someone who hesitates about having that made official, regardless of whether the choice was offered to them or not. I'm astonished that you're thinking OP is somehow unfair for being disappointed that the guy is hesitating about claiming his daughter. But I agree with those who point out that it may work in her favour and that of the daughter. I agree that revoking it is probably the safest thing, especially given that he's not said yes straightaway. That's telling in itself.

BeakyPIinders · 16/04/2024 00:18

Rebusmyfire · 15/04/2024 13:42

You can have the father on the birth cert married or nor

Show quote history

ONLY IF HE IS PRESENT AT THE REGISTRATION. WHICH HE WASN'T!!

Jesus, its a short post. READ IT!

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2024 00:41

If it werent for the fact you said he is 37 and not 39, I would think he is a mate of mine. I call him a mate as we know each other through our shared pastime, and we get on when we are there on a superficial level but thats about it. His life is.....Peter Pan. He is very selfish and would be the sort to be fine when in a relationship where she doesnt need anything, but the second she does (pregnancy being the prime example) he is off.

He has, from what my friends and I in the group have heard from him, always been like this and has no plans to change.

Dont expect him to stick around long term, you may well find that suddenly she is not as important as his latest GF. My ex adored DS and DD......didnt stop him dumping them at his then fiancee, later wife's, demands.

And has been pointed out, keeping him off the BC is probably, considering his selfish flakiness, for the best long term. He would have to put in a lot of effort and money to get PR, which works well for you.

Lassiata · 16/04/2024 01:03

oakleaffy · 15/04/2024 18:31

''Some dinosaurs will be along eventually to tell you it's your fault for not picking your partner more carefully''

It's true though, and one doesn't have to be a dinosaur or traditionalist to think like this.

One wonders if he wanted to be a father, or if he had no choice in the matter..In which case, he should definitely have used a condom.

Men should do this even if the woman says she is on the pill or whatever- men need to take care that they don't get landed with a child they aren't ready for, as that isn't fair on the child.

What actual bullshit is this.

It's not true.
Yes, one does need to be a dinosaur think like this.

Your insinuations about the OP are revolting.

Redpaisley · 16/04/2024 01:52

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:20

I assumed a breakdown as he lost a job he was very very protective of. But it only took him 3 months to find another similar one so he can’t have been horrendously mentally unwell. I have asked him about what happened and why but he just says he’s sorry and won’t actually tell me why. I don’t think he can tell me why, he has always been quite a selfish person and I think that came through more because I needed him when pregnant in a way I never had previously

Don't add him to BC. When your daughter is older, he can answer her himself. Nobody can force him to be a committed father if he doesn't want. You went through a lot. Don't let this impact your peace of mind.

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2024 04:58

takemeawayagain · 15/04/2024 17:44

I disagree with others here. If he had a mental breakdown where he lost pretty much everything then that's not his fault is it? No one chooses to have a mental breakdown. It's not something he could help. It sounds like he maybe terrified of failing as a father due to his own childhood, although he desperately wants to be a good one. Maybe that's why he is scared of being on the birth certificate, because he doesn't feel good enough to be her dad and he's terrified of letting her down. It seems to me that you're putting words in his mouth that may or may not be correct.

It's sad, unfortunate and unfair that everything fell to you - but the guy had a mental breakdown. He didn't just get bored and run off with someone else. I understand you're resentful but I think you're letting it really impact your view of everything.

Is it still an ongoing mental breakdown if you’ve scored another high paying job but it’s 5 more months before you agree to MEETING your baby daughter?? Ie if you can manage every aspect of your life except doing anything for your new baby. Hmm.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 16/04/2024 05:05

Where was he for the whole year and what was he doing and would also be wondering with who. I would keep his name off as he could not be bothered to be there when you were registering your child. It will save you hassle to leave it off and he may just go off again and not be reliable. It is awful what he did for the first year when you most needed him but you know now what he is like. You will be fine on your own and let him visit to see her but I would not let him have her for sleep overs as he cannot take responsibility.

Trulyme · 16/04/2024 05:41

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 23:05

OP was pregnant before he had a mental breakdown. He could have been ready to be a parent when he was healthy.

You can’t always predict what life has in store for you. We will never know what kind of father he would have been if he had not suffered that breakdown.

You do get to “go away” when you are mentally ill. In fact, you will be hauled away under the mental health act and your children taken from you.

It’s not his choice. And I think he is right to think about his health prospects before making such a commitment. I would be saying the same thing if OP were a single father and it were the mother who were now stable and present. Many mental illnesses cannot be cured, there is always risk of relapse and the patients know this, they know they might have a relapse.

It is not as cut and dry as it is for a healthy, abled person who thinks they will be fine for the next 17yrs and can’t conceive of their health getting in the way of living up to commitments.

Show quote history

What about OPs mental health?

Maybe she needs to go away for a year and not care about the welfare of her child.

If a mother abandoned her child we would all be saying how awful she is, yet for some reason it’s ok for a man to do it.

Why is the mother the default parent?
Why is she expected to just deal with it and do the role of 2 people, simply because the father isn’t sure he’s ready to be a parent.

After I gave birth I developed severe PND which eventually led to psychosis.
But I still managed to register my child’s birth, if I didn’t I could have been prosecuted.

Its bad enough that this man went out for an entire year and didn’t care about whether his child was being looked after or not but now he is back and is choosing to be involved - that means he needs to be involved 100%.

You don’t get to choose to be involved only until it suits you (well you shouldn’t get to choose but obviously for some fathers it’s acceptable by your standards).

I am honestly shocked that you think it’s acceptable for someone to have a think about whether they can be involved in their own child’s life for the next 18years+ or not.

If you have a child then you need to step up, end of.
No amount of MH or childhood trauma should stop you from wanting to be involved with your own child.
OP has had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it, else her child would have been in care.

If he doesn’t want to be involved in this child’s life for the next 18+ years then he is being cruel by being involved now, simply because it suits him.

This poor child is going to be messed up because their parent couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be involved or not.

SameAsItEverWas24 · 16/04/2024 05:41

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 16:28

Move on with your life. More important than her sperm donor is the next partner in your life—if any. That person will show her what romantic love and parental love and care look like. That person will hopefully show your dd what good, solid, reliable parenting is. He absolutely won’t and if he is the only father figure available she will end up chasing unavailable men her whole life and thinking it is normal.

Very good point. I worry that he won't be a reliable father in the long term and the damage that will do to your daughter. As someone else said, give it a few years to see if he flees again or sticks around for her. You also deserve a better partner

Sadza · 16/04/2024 07:49

Does he have doubts that the child is his?

If he is the biological father then this should be stated on the birth certificate. It’s not a reward for stepping up (you) or a think about it situation (him).

whatsitcalledwhen · 16/04/2024 08:06

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 18:00

Well you could make any assumptions, Op stated he had some sort of mental breakdown.

She also said he came back, made promises, stuck to every one, did above and beyond. Has been consistent financially and physically. DD loves him.
Yet people think he wouldn't get PR, access or that OP should remove him from his DD's life....

What's 'above and beyond' about his behaviour?

has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Just sounds like normal, decent parenting to me, not 'above and beyond'?

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 16/04/2024 08:22

Trulyme · 16/04/2024 05:41

What about OPs mental health?

Maybe she needs to go away for a year and not care about the welfare of her child.

If a mother abandoned her child we would all be saying how awful she is, yet for some reason it’s ok for a man to do it.

Why is the mother the default parent?
Why is she expected to just deal with it and do the role of 2 people, simply because the father isn’t sure he’s ready to be a parent.

After I gave birth I developed severe PND which eventually led to psychosis.
But I still managed to register my child’s birth, if I didn’t I could have been prosecuted.

Its bad enough that this man went out for an entire year and didn’t care about whether his child was being looked after or not but now he is back and is choosing to be involved - that means he needs to be involved 100%.

You don’t get to choose to be involved only until it suits you (well you shouldn’t get to choose but obviously for some fathers it’s acceptable by your standards).

I am honestly shocked that you think it’s acceptable for someone to have a think about whether they can be involved in their own child’s life for the next 18years+ or not.

If you have a child then you need to step up, end of.
No amount of MH or childhood trauma should stop you from wanting to be involved with your own child.
OP has had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it, else her child would have been in care.

If he doesn’t want to be involved in this child’s life for the next 18+ years then he is being cruel by being involved now, simply because it suits him.

This poor child is going to be messed up because their parent couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be involved or not.

Show quote history

it is interesting how the mentions by mothers with MH issues who did step up because they had no choice and they WANTED TO, are being glossed over.

The man had a breakdown. So did I, so did you. From your experience, you may have been hospitalised too. We did what was necessary. He ran off for a loooooong time.

Muddlingalongsomehow · 16/04/2024 17:51

Re: "you could have put him on anyway at the time" comments - no, you can't, if you're not married to him. The father has to attend the registration in that case. Otherwise you could have any mum just putting down Prince Harry or David Beckham or Nigel Farage or whoever. If you're married, there's a presumption of legitimacy, ie the husband is the dad, end of.

At least, that's how it was when I used to answer queries on this at the relevant govt department long ago.

You can certainly add him later but again he has to be part of the process.

(I recently read a novel set in WWII where the mum put some soldier boyfriend on the birth certificate in his absence... Er, no. And the plot hinged on it, so...)

Jeannie88 · 16/04/2024 18:03

Painauraison · 15/04/2024 13:38

The birth certificate and him being a decent father are 2 separate things.

He is her biological father so his name on the certificate is compulsory in my opinion, you shouldn't mess around with things like this. His name not being on there doesn't make him not the father.

I agree, as her biological father he should be on the birth certificate. What about women who give birth and then have nothing to do with their kids? They are of course on it. It's so hard when kids don't know who their biological parents are so I would strongly advise to do it. Xx

Ilovecleaning · 16/04/2024 18:12

He doesn’t want responsibility.

beanii · 16/04/2024 18:19

AnnetteKurtan · 15/04/2024 13:39

Just as well you couldn’t, because you had to pick up the slack bringing up a newborn for a whole first year.
And now he doesn’t seem to care less.

Show quote history

I hate that attitude - your biological father should still be on the birth certificate regardless.

It's absolutely nothing to do with being a dad - that's a different thing.

His name being on there doesn't change the fact she did everything in the first year, it is the child's right to know though.

Women (and men) shouldn't use children as weapons like you clearly do.

Cactusmad · 16/04/2024 18:29

I’d question if he’s dodging the form for a reason of fraud . Have u seen any of his documents such as his birth certificate or driver license. He may not have had a breakdown but gone back to his other family.

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/04/2024 18:32

Don't put him on the birth certificate. I'm assuming he wants to be a parent on his terms.

azlazee1 · 16/04/2024 18:32

Do you legally need his permission to put his name on the certificate? If not, just do it.

Lifethroughlenses · 16/04/2024 18:41

Bear in mind that if he is on the birth certificate he has formal parental responsibility. This might be right for you but I know people who it has caused massive issues for. If he swans off and you need his consent to leave the country with her (for example) it could be very tricky.