A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

Come on!!

I think he’s lost the privilege of being on the birth certificate now. If he changes his mind then maybe he should now earn it.
Be civil to him if you and your daughter get something from it but don’t feel obliged. YANBU.

Are you sure he is not simply checking out the implications? That is what your post suggests. He may not fully understand what it means and wants to Google it, or consult CAB.
He has said he will tell you his decision within a few days. Why not wait until he gives you his answer? If he decides against, I think you need to find out his reasons.
You say he is trying hard to be a supportive dad and if this is the case he will be important to your daughter. You really don’t want to be at loggerheads with him for the sake of your daughter.

I’m afraid I would be getting that form back and destroying it. Probably counterproductive but if he can’t do the right thing without “reviewing” it first I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the BC 🤬

I have read through the entire thread and something that came to my mind is:

Was he married before he met you? (I appreciate you may think not but it's possible!)

Do you know/have met his parents/siblings?

Him stalling to add his name to the birth certificate could be because he doesn't want his other family to find out (either now or in the future via ancestry etc). Yes he pays child maintenance but he could hide that from them if they don't see his mail and tax info.

Another thing is the real reason he lost his job. Him simply saying sorry isn't enough....what did he do? It could all be relevant.

I know someone who was sacked for having an affair with a member of staff and it was actually his wife that informed Head office!!

I believe there is more to this story that we're yet to discover and the "mental health breakdown" is being used as a get out clause to feel sorry for him.

I am in no way undermining GENUINE mental breakdowns.

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

I’d get legal advice tbh and go through all of the what ifs.

Reading above, many have already said what I was going to add! If he has to pause for consideration then he doesn't deserve to be on the birth certificate AND he's bloody lucky that you've been kind enough to be so civil.
I'd continue as you have been ie being polite and allowing access but I'd definitely have it at the back of my mind that he could easily disappear again and you'll be the one dealing with the fallout.
Is there any chance that he is unsure whether he really is the father? I'm guessing not but it did cross my mind as a reason why he'd evade the birth cert.

A great idea to use both names!

I did this but didn't use a hyphen. They have Mother's surname space Father's surname.

I did extensive research at the time of registering the birth. We were unmarried and the father was being a cocky git assuming he didn't need to be there so didn't take time off work. When I returned home without his name on the certificate, he was very embarrassed and had to admit defeat. His name wasn't added to the certificate until we updated it after marriage as legally required.

Only you know in your heart if you truly WANT him on the certificate, especially considering all of the advice you have been given regarding parental responsibility. Some will argue that he should be on as he IS the father.... but you decide... wait a bit longer, give yourself to think and reassess before going ahead. x

If he is her father he should go on it - it’s her record of who here parents are not a record of how good they are

Sorry to ask this, but he's not married, is he? That might be a situation where having your name on a child's birth certificate would be a problem? And disappearing around the time she was born?

It is sad that he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate 🙁

has he sought help from mental health services? Could it be his mental state making him behave this way?

edit: sorry just read your update, hope all goes well in future for you all

Don't hyphenate the surname OP. You might regret that if he goes AWOL again.

Is he called Antony, by any chance? He’s sounding rather like someone I know.

Pleased this has been sorted
Its for your daughters future and identity.
Do make sure you get everything that you can that she entitled too be it money ,time etc .
Whilst you can
Some men are just unpredictable and his one of them .

Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do here that you aren't already doing, OP, apart from create the mental distance you need to not be driven to distraction by it!

It’s shitty that men get this choice, but that’s systemic misogyny that you can't change by yourself. You’ve expressed yourself assertively - "When you behave like this, I feel X (and in the future I expect our daughter may feel X). I'd like you to Y."

Beyond this, its unfortunately his decision and it shouldn't be down to you to expend any more mental energy on it - you are already doing the heavy lifting raising her and he needs to make the call on what kind of person/parent he wants to be. Your daughter will eventually work out for herself how far she can rely on him as she grows up. And you'll be there to love her unconditionally so that she understands this is all about him, and nothing to do with her.

For now, I think maybe I would consider putting the ball/responsibility back in his court by calmly saying that if he decides against going on the bc, you'll need him to write down an explanation for his decision to be shared with your daughter when she is older, so that you don't have to take on the additional mental load of deciding how to explain this later if he goes AWOL again, as his response suggests he might.

Obviously there is a risk his explanation will be completely insufficient and you'll still need to work out your own plan for this later, but there is also a chance that requiring him to take on the parental task of figuring this out now may focus his mind.

I am so sorry this is happening and that he has let you down in this way (and previously). You deserve much better. Xx

Hyphenated names could be a whole other thread! I think they're a bit naff personally, unless both of you happen to be landed gentry.

Specifically for your situation, I really wouldn't think it's a good idea, as you're already pushing for more commitment / responsibility from him, despite almost everyone on the thread saying not to. It will likely freak him out, and cause another upset.

Also, in the event he disappears again - which let's be honest, is a possibility - what then? Your daughter will be stuck with his name, as a constant reminder. Or you marry? A triple barrelled name?

Sounds like you're trying to force things to make the situation somehow more "legitimate" or something, which you don't need to do.

Adding him to the BC is questionable. Changing her name seems pointless, sorry.

What are his reasons for thinking about it? Did he say?
I mean honestly it's not his fault if he had mental health issues, this happens &: he's fortunate that he is now in his dd's life. With that in mind it does seem odd that he is now needing time to think about this. I'd ask the question, to him directly why.
I also would keep him in your dd's life if you can it can be hugely damaging to children to permanently lose these relationships. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just sounds like he's struggling

I am first of all shocked thar you thought it was your decision whether or not dad was included.

I am second of all shocked that he wanted to think about it?

Just what is going around in both your tiny minds???

If the child is biologically the product of both of you - SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE BOTH HER PARENTS LISTED as the unfortunate pair who copulated and produced her.

Just what power or ego trip is either parent on? It's either a fact you both produced her or you're both seriously disturbed people.

@OldPerson i’m clear what’s going on in my ‘tiny mind,’ but it seems your own tiny mind struggles with comprehension of short text. Feel free to re-read my OP.

Please proceed with caution. The ABSOLUTE priority is the relationship your child has with him. This seems to be going well and he is playing his part. He clearly has vulnerabilities. Don't risk rocking the boat or putting him into a position that he feels he then needs to exit for the sake of a name on a birth certificate. I would keep quiet on the subject unless he brings it up from now on.

I'm not sure what has happened in your past to cause this outburst. But your past trauma or guilt is not a reason to post this kind of response. If it is not a reflection of past trauma, you must just be a mean and insensitive person.

Great update, I'm glad he's signed it now. As for the child's surname, I'd only give them mine.

Sounds like he's leaving his options open if he decides not the pay child support in the future? I bet when he's saying he's looking into it, he's looking into his financial responsbilities.

That is staggering.
What is even more astonishing is that your friend hasn't long since kicked his twatful, useless arse out of her life.
Who are these women?