To be annoyed he cancelled and lied.

[namechangingforthis100]

Had a date planned with a guy from online dating.

Day comes and I ask him what time as we hadn't set that. He tells me he had to go away and it was impromptu, apologised and we can reschedule when he's back.

I decided to check his online profile. This particular dating site tells you what area user was in when he was last online.

His showed he was in Belgium. Flitting between 2 different towns over there.
We messaged back and forth and his location was still showing Belgium.

Monday comes and he asks how my weekend was and I ask him where he went off to. He tells me he had to go to the Lakes for a couple of days. Blatant lie. Not a stalker but I did keep checking the location as something seems a bit off. If he had to go away could he not have told me this a day or 2 before?

Here is a link to "the lakes" in Belgium known as The Land of the Lakes. Did he just say the lakes or The Lake District in Cumbria?

https://www.destinationwallonia.be/en/het-land-van-de-meren

If OP does not want to be pissed about, she should drop contact with this guy. He has cancelled three times. It's a simple decision.

There is no need to stalk him.

As I said before, OLD is brutal. It's only after a few years doing it that I suddenly thought F this shit, and just go on Happn and then used an app where you could only use it one day a week.

Yeah, you get the twats on Happn and other sites, you always do, you can't weed them out. Some guy I was talking to last/this year, spent most of his time at a vigil and it was only when he shared a text which his ex-SO/mother of his 12 year old sent him that I realised she was right and called him out on it, he's a rich boy, doesn't need to work, but can afford to waste his time out at vigils or at his family's holiday apartment in Biarritz.

Some of the guys reel you in quickly though. And then as soon as you hit 40, all the men chasing you become far less, then fast forward to my age (52) even worse! You get some guys looking for a 'nurse with a purse'. And even men I know personally from real life, like you have friends in common, whom you'd think wouldn't be dicks and mess you around, they do exactly the same too. And men in real life are much the same.

Only one of my friends has met a man in an unconventional way and he returned to her after they'd had 'fun' and said he wanted a relationship with her now, they've now been living together since during lockdown first started.

What part of what OP said suggests stalking? The site allows a function to check locations.

I decided to check his online profile. This particular dating site tells you what area user was in when he was last online

I might have the terminology wrong here as I know nothing about tech but if you use a private VPN it stops your web browser from knowing your location and shows you as being somewhere totally different. My brother does this - not because he’s dodgy but because he works in cyber security himself and likes everything he does to be secure and not have companies like Google tracking him. They are a doddle to use. So he may well have been in the lakes and not lying. You won’t get an answer to this unless you raise it and the longer you leave it the less casual it will become. Best thing to do is say very casually ‘You know how online on that dating site it shows our locations? It said you were in Belgium! Is it showing me as being in xyz or am I overseas as well?’

So you had 6 planned dates, 3 of which he cancelled? Bin, and keep looking.

Yeah the cool girls on this thread dont seem too concerned about his lack of manners and courtesy.

You don’t need to check on location to not be played. He’s cancelled more than once. It was last minute and she had to contact him before he even told her. That would do for me, I wouldn’t need to know (and wouldn’t care) where he was or if he lied about it. I wouldn’t ask. I’d just block and move on.
They are both unreasonable. Him for being flaky and not straight with her, her for being stalkerish.

And I don’t see why his location has any bearing on whether he gets binned. He said he’s going away. The issue with him is the late notice/lack of notice and frequent cancelling. Why does where he goes instead make any difference?

Why does where he is matter? I don’t get it.

Because if he lies about this, he’ll lie about anything.

Literally nobody has said his late cancelling is fine. What people are saying is that repeatedly checking his location is bonkers and unnecessary.

But it’s irrelevant if he’s a liar - the issue is the lack of notice. Bin him for that.

Being a liar is irrelevant now? Seriously, don’t give this terrible advice to people.

That’s not what I said. Of course it’s relevant if you are in a relationship. What I said was - he’s a flaky late canceller. Bin him. At that point his honesty is irrelevant.

Being a liar is just as good a reason as being flaky to bin him though, better even.

It’s better for women to act on these red flags from the outset, not to wait until she gets in a relationship with him.

You’re not a stalker or bunny boiler. You looked at this location, you didn’t break into his childhood home!

But ditch him, he’s flaky and not worth the angst.

OP

No offence, set yourself standards with brand new dates - IE any excuses whatsoever, move on and 99 times out a 100 you would have made the correct decision

THIS! It denotes a complete lack of manners and common courtesy. Complete turn off

That's what you would do, me too probably but OP decided to use the function to check whereabouts that the app allows. Where does the 'stalking' come into it?

I decided to check his online profile. This particular dating site tells you what area user was in when he was last online

The option to see his location is on the app, so she used the option.

It's not important where he is. But interesting he lied to OP given he's signed up to an app showing his location.

The important thing is he said one thing and meant another and OP caught him out.

He does sound useless @namechangingforthis100 and you are worth better. I feel sorry for any woman who is having to use online dating to try and meet a man, because the online dating pool (of men,) is full of shit. Most men are only out for a shag, and even the very few who aren't, are looking for a woman 15+ years younger. And as a pp said, a nurse with a purse, a woman who will be his domestic servant, and have a shag when he wants it. They don't want to give much back though.

I know a woman right now (age 48,) who has been on 3 dates with men she met on online dating - in the past 2 months. And 2 of them asked her if she can cook, as that's a dealbreaker. The third one asked her if she wants to go to the Premier Inn next door (she met him at a service station,) as he had booked a room, to see if they were 'compatible.'

As I said, the men in the online dating pool are mostly shit. I've been with my DH around 30 years, but if he left me or died, I would never bother with another man again. (I'm early 50s now.) I know a number of women who are 55+ who were widowed after 30-45 years with their DH, and they have tootled along fine since he died, and are quite happy alone. They enjoyed their 30, 35, 40, or 45 years with their DH, but wouldn't have another man in their life if someone paid them.

Having said all this, you do sound a bit intense @namechangingforthis100 . And yes, the behaviour (trying to find out where he really was,) WAS a little bit stalkerish. Clearly you've been burned quite a bit, and this behaviour illustrates that, but most men are not going to want to be with a woman who tracks their whereabouts. It is a bit odd.

OLD for over 15 years. People show you their behaviour and it is up to you to carefully watch what you are being shown. The cancels and reschedules suggests to me that dating is not high on his agenda at the moment, he has other stuff going on. We have no idea what that is, so its not even worth guessing. Who knows which lakes he was in or whether he even was, but the reschedules and cancels alone would be enough for me to think that he's not really that bothered and therefore I wouldn't be that bothered. Also, if you feel like you are being lied to at this stage in the game, that is also not a good sign.

It is a tough old game but you have to watch and listen carefully and only ever invest if someone else clearly indicates that they are investing in you - at least if it is a relationship that you want.

Good luck @namechangingforthis100. There are good ones out there. Don't get disheartened.

I don't know how OPs app works, but for some reason my phone thinks I'm in incorrect places. I've not been abroad in a good few years but it consistently thinks I'm in the Netherlands. I've checked and apparently I don't have a VPN enabled. Last year it seemed to think I was somewhere in South Africa, so a lot of UK websites security policies just wouldn't let me in.

Up until reading he'd cancelled 3 times I thought the was a small possibility he might have the same issue as me. But nah, he's just being a dick!

In which case I'm a misogynist male too 🤷‍♀️