To think sex is a misogynistic concept?

[belfastjun]

The more I read about sexual violence, crimes against women and unrealistic expectations from men the more I think the act of having sex is just a misogynistic concept.

It wasn't that long ago that sex was purely seen as pleasurable for men and something a woman should just have to endure to please them. The whole idea of whore/virgin as well is misogynistic in itself.

I feel like there will always be some subconscious misogyny in the back of their minds when having sex with a partner etc.

AIBU to not want to have sex to free myself of what I feel is a toxic patriarchy? I do have sexual trauma so don't know if this is skewing my view somewhat.

And women like this decide not to have sex when they truly don’t want to they are accused of “weaponising sex” as we have already seen in this thread.

No not buying it, i know men are to blame for everything but not falling for this one

Sex itself is fine. Its misogyny that ruins it. Like pretty much everything else that might be rubbish for women. It's not the thing itself, it's how it's how it's been taken under the control of men for their advantage that's the problem.

The mean girls have come out in force on this thread, and it sounds like this post has touched a nerve with them. YANBU, OP - sexual culture is skewed towards harming women and girls. And for all the folks on here who say that has nothing to do with individual men...it's so many men.

I'd say that the women on here who don't recognise the harms done to other women, culturally as well as individually, are absolutely part of the problem.

I have sexual trauma.
But I also enjoy a healthy sex life with a loving partner because the two are not the same.

One was a violent assault on my body and boundaries and the other is something I enjoy physically and emotionally with a man who loves and respects me.

I would hate to have to give up sex and I don't consider my sexual pleasure to be bowing down to the patriarchy in any way.

And as PP has said. Sex is not something that is "done to a woman", it's a mutually enjoyable action between two people.

I would suggest OP that it's your mindset around your trauma that's impacting on how you feel about sex because what you're describing is not sex between two consenting adults who enjoy it.

I can see where you are coming from @belfastjun but would rephrase it slightly - most of our cultural concepts and expectations of sex are inherently misogynistic. That doesn't mean that sex itself is misogynistic but that our mental landscape surrounding it will be likely to have been deeply affected by patriarchal structures.
In a matriarchal culture where the wellbeing and happiness of women was of primary importance and men existed purely to serve women's needs and pleasures, there would still be sex but it would be very very different from what most of us get to experience in the real world.

My experiences are:
Being told by my mum in my teens what I should and shouldn't 'let' boys do. Being advised by other girls what I'd 'have to let' boys do if I wanted to get and keep a boyfriend. Being rewarded for 'allowing' boys and men physical intimacy by way of their kindness, good mood, willingness to do things with me and general increased regard. Allowing physical intimacy I had little interest in and got little pleasure from in order to gain the behaviour and treatment I did want. Thinking this was just the way it was and having this confirmed by other girls and women that indeed it was. Being punished for not allowing sex with sulks, moodiness and disinterest and learning from this to do cost/benefit analysis when deciding whether to agree to it.
I am not a vulnerable woman. I believe I have reasonable self esteem. I have never been subject to the worst of male behaviour and do not consider myself to have trauma. I'm an all round average woman of 55 who would describe herself as having had largely happy relationships, yet these are my experiences, and I would be very surprised if I'm unique.

An interesting one.

I’m fortunate to have enjoyed happy sex lives. l’ve always heeded mum’s advice to me as a teen “there are things in life that should make you purr, but if something isn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it”. - Thanks mum!😘

You are fortunate indeed in your mums attitude. Mine was very much of the mind set that sex was something men wanted and decent women had to gatekeep. Perhaps typical of her generation.

I understand where you are coming from.

Thank you. Believe me, both sister and l know how fortunate we were. Mum also told us that there was nothing wrong or to be ashamed of by naked bodies of all shapes and sizes. But we were warned of the dangers of “bad people”.

When she first found out l was having sex, she was cross. Not that l was having sex, but that l hadn’t confided in her about it.

l’m in my 40s now, but l still remember that my mum was the one that my teenage friends looked to for support.