To think sex is a misogynistic concept?

[belfastjun]

The more I read about sexual violence, crimes against women and unrealistic expectations from men the more I think the act of having sex is just a misogynistic concept.

It wasn't that long ago that sex was purely seen as pleasurable for men and something a woman should just have to endure to please them. The whole idea of whore/virgin as well is misogynistic in itself.

I feel like there will always be some subconscious misogyny in the back of their minds when having sex with a partner etc.

AIBU to not want to have sex to free myself of what I feel is a toxic patriarchy? I do have sexual trauma so don't know if this is skewing my view somewhat.

Heldinadream Andrea Dworkin was a truly wonderful person . We watched her in a documentary back in the 90s. She rescued prostitutes and helped them .As a young newly wed I was horrified (very sheltered upbringing!) And had never heard of snuff movies before. Or any violent point.stayed with me for years.

Toxic patriarchy?
Have you just started a uni degree?
But if you want to deny yourself what can be a fun and/or pleasurable experience, and one that is the most natural for conceiving a child, based on a misconception, please feel free.
Your lack of a sex life will make no difference to the rest of the world, but will affect you

Fucking hell, is there any need? Regardless of the various thoughts about sex and culture, do you not think her reluctance around sex is more likely down the the stated sexual trauma? Have a word with yourself.

I too have suffered sexual abuse as a child (aged 8-14 years). However, it does not mean I cannot have an opinion on sex, men, attitudes, etc, nor does it necessarily mean my opinion has to be a negative 'all men are toxic and misogynistic' one. I can understand, and was able to educate myself, to the fact that not all men act in the way my abuser did.

And if sex, men and attitudes to sex fall under the same discussion umbrella, I can express an opinion. Yes, I find phrases such as toxic patriarchy rather stupid, so what? It has been bandied about, attached to many things, and so is meaningless.

Your position only makes sense if you take as read the assumption that you are having sex with a misogynist.

And to be fair there are a lot of them around and yes I have encountered (and had sex with) men who have such an attitude. There is a grain of truth in what you say and historically a lot of men have come from the starting point that sex is “for them”. Which is why you get phrases like “lie back and think of England” and “I’d rather have a cup of tea.”

But sex doesn’t have to be like this. If a woman with self belief and agency has consensual sex with a man who respects her it isn’t remotely like this. It’s a mutually fulfilling experience which enhances the relationship.

The trick is to educate both men and women to understand the difference.

This all sounds very ‘lie back and think of England’ and as though you would be having sex out of, at best, a sense of social obligation.

You don’t seem to be thinking about the possibility of feeling sexual attraction to a specific person, or in the context of a good relationship.

I can think of all sorts of reasons, including trauma and on line dating that would lead you to that conclusion, and it’s good to be a bit wary. However that isn’t the whole story.

Do you not suppose that the sexual trauma is the op's particular driver for abstaining from sex rather than a more abstract observation about the 'toxic patriarchy'? Being scathing about the ops understanding about the patriarchy is one thing but going on to say she is cutting her nose off to spite her face over a misunderstanding is cruel.

if you were a virgin again , would you lose your virginity in the same way as you did? | Mumsnet

There are is a wide range of experiences on that thread. Have you read it?

I have explained the reason for my first reply. I have explained, not that I needed to, that I too have a damn good reason, the same one as the OP btw, for the opinion I gave. It happens to be different from OP; this is aibu, we are allowed to give opinions

I think sex definitely comes with a lot of baggage. It's not misogynistic in itself in my view but Jesus it shines a light on it in so many ways. From porn, to anyone's experience of dating websites, to the comments about your tits made on trains. It's very easy to me to see what you mean op, but it's something used as a weapon by misogynistic people, not misogynistic in itself. Just my view.

Take it up with God. Or Charles Darwin. Can't help how reproduction was designed really. But the designers need sacking for putting the clitoris where it is instead of inside the vagina.

There is a huge difference between violence which includes sex (always wrong) and passionate sex.

When my hormones are bubbling, l need sex. But regardless if it’s a long term thing or a brief encounter, no oral = no entry. No exceptions.

It all sounds terribly complex - I think I would just rather have a nice cup of tea and some chocolate hobnobs.

Honestly @1dayatatimeIt isn't difficult taking your knickers off and each time is more different than hobnobs from the same packet.
I think it is OP making it complicated.

@Phoebefail

Hmmm - you can also get a variety in different types of tea (although I prefer a traditional PG tips) and Hobnobs also come without choc (when you fancy something more vanilla) or you can also dunk them (when you fancy something a bit more kinky).

I can appreciate how the act of being penetrated might be interpreted as misogynistic, but I've always thought the act of sticking their precious penis in an unfamiliar orifice is quite brave!

I can assure you that “my unfamiliar orifice” is very warm, welcoming and appreciative to the right kind of visitor. It has to be kissed and cherished as well though. 😀

LOL!

Imagine thinking sex always involves a man.

The fact that homosexuality is observed in many species and since the beginning of time makes me question pleasure being a “secondary” reason why sex exists. I would strongly suspect most sexual interactions that occur have nothing to do with procreation.

Sex with the right person is such a beautiful and lovely thing.

That said OP there is nothing wrong with not being interested in having sex and not wanting to have sex as a result. Personally one of the things that puts me off committed relationships is the expectation of having to have sex if I don’t want / when I don’t want to.

And also I find celibacy preferable to most sex that’s on offer with men. But no sex is not inherently misogynistic (men as a collective are.)

Thanks for this recommendation. I will look it up.

I wonder if it’s speaking about UK women engaging in something akin to the 4B movement in South Korea.

Translation:

”A woman choosing not to have sex because she is feeling disrespected and unloved by her partner is “weaponising” sex.”

Sex is a greatly liberating thing. From experience just be really really fussy who you do it with. You are free not to have any sex or, if you really feel it is patriarchal, sex with a woman certainly would not be and might be very freeing?

I’ve had passionate sex with quite a number of different people and not ashamed to say so. Good quality sex involves the sharing of bodies, it should be lovely for both parties.

Sex is not something that is done to a woman and many are still brought up to believe that “naice” girls don’t.

That is not always the case of course, terms such as “lost virginity” (l didn’t lose anything when l started having sex), slut and whore are misogynistic to the extreme.

Sex crimes are exactly that, a crime and violent. That has no connection with quality sex and the two things should not be considered together.