To be sick of strangers’ life stories?

[Chaney]

I know this will make me sound unsympathetic and cold. I’m generally not but, like most people, I have a lot on my plate and just can’t really take the mental load of strangers.

Twice this week I’ve had complete strangers tell me their sad life stories.

I got my hair done on Thursday and had a new stylist who spent the full three hours I was there yapping at me about all the awful things that had happened on her life. Poor woman really did have some awful events occur, but I was exhausted, drained, worried about stuff that’s going on it my own family, and left feeling like I paid £300+ to act as her personal therapist while stuck in a chair. I did resort to making non-commital “uh huh” noises and burying my head on my phone or a magazine after a while, but she persisted.

Then today I was in a small local shop. The owner was putting an order together for me while telling me about being widowed last year. Now, I certainly felt sympathy for her but I expressed it, but she just kept going on and on about the details of her late husband’s illness and premature death while very, very slowly fetching the items that were needed for my order.

I’ve always encountered this- strangers clinging on to me. I really don’t know why- I’m not especially approachable or engaging. I don’t share a lot about myself with people I don’t know. I’m assertive but it’s hard to ask someone to be quiet or move away from them when they’re in tears telling you about the abuse they’ve sustained, or a bereavement.

I think it’s gone much worse since Covid too- people just seem to want to over share.

Maybe there is something about you that makes people feel able to talk freely. You could have a kind face, or something that you may not realise.

I haven't had it to that extent but there is someone I sit next to sometimes who always offloads like this and I just tune out. I think the stylist is BU. She can't do that to everyone, surely? You must have a kind face! The other one, I would've muttered something about being sorry about her DH and then said I was in a hurry. It's difficult - I'm not really interested in other people's woes but equally don't want to be heartless. So a little bit of sympathy, and then I say I've got to go.

What did you get done in the hairdresser's that cost £300?!

Oh I thought this was going to be about Mumsnet

I want to know that as well.

I totally get the hairdresser one, at one appointment I had she was texting and answering calls from her BF about a personal issue while telling me all about it , it was the last straw for me.
You can get no talking appointments at hairdressers now and my new hairdresser doesn't advertise as offering them she said she'd be happy to if asked.

I get this too. If I catch a bus with someone more than two or three times, they decide we’re friends and start talking at me. If I’m on the train, whoever is sat next to me will start telling me where they’ve been, where they’re going and why. I am not friendly. I don’t make unnecessary eye contact, I don’t smile at strangers. I’d go as far as saying I’m downright surly. But still the buggers keep coming. And the stuff I know about colleagues I’ve never met in person and have only spoken to over Teams is ridiculous.

*also I usually get this from middle aged men at work that I show the most minimal about of friendliness or interest in.

This is not an unusual price for a cut and blonding. Good blonde takes hours and is expensive.

I feel the same and absolutely agree about it getting worse since Covid.
There seems to be a competition for who has it worse at times.

I'm the same - dont really understand where it comes from. I don’t feel like I’m particularly approachable or seem overly interested in what they’re telling me- but still they tell me anyway!

Oh op I empathise so much. I think some of us just have some kind of invitation on our faces.
I told a check out man I was a bit stressed as my beloved grandad had died that morning and the listened to him tell me all about random bereavements he'd had.
Told my neighbours the ambulance was for ds (the aged 12 and a subsequent four month hospital stay) when they asked and heard all about their various ailments.
Etc etc etc

@Chaney You must have a kind face

Honestly though, it isn’t just you.

When we had a cleaner we changed her day from Monday to later in the week
as whilst she was working I had to hear all about her weekend, the obsession
with trivia mind numbing.
I don‘t make appointments for Monday now for this reason - even the Dental Hygienist wanted to tell me all about her brand new grandchild born at the weekend, which was a one way conversation, me captive, could not even grunt.
Solicitor friends do not accept divorce or family court appointments on a Monday
as they will not listen to the minutiae of weekend marital angst, learnt to avoid.
So many examples.
Bus stops are where many unburdeners lurk, ready to grasp your arm and unburden.
I wouldn’t mind so much if it was entertaining or interesting, but no, banal, just like the one before.
Of course you are not unreasonable.
Your attention was hijacked.

We are all meant to “do a good deed for the day” - I reckon you are good until next weekend, take a bow.

Besides, the hairdresser and the shop widow will have told/be telling friends family and hapless strangers at bus stops, how they was speaking to such a nice lady today, so easy to talk to, such a good listener, she was lovely

this made me laugh, you sound so disappointed

YANBU. It’s like when people say various things like the menopause and mental health ‘aren’t talked about enough…’ it feels like we talk about nothing else!

It feels like virtually everything I read now is ‘raising awareness’, ‘sharing my harrowing story in the hope it can help others’, ‘I refuse to stay silent’, ‘I’m a survivor of X and proud’.

I don’t think there is much stigma around anything any more, and I don’t think we need to raise awareness of much, because we’ve talked about it all until we’re blue in the face. People sharing their sad stories are an extension of this culture where people just seem to feel the need to over share.

I feel for you and I get this too.

You know why I think it’s happening? Along with having a kind demeanour, I suspect it’s precisely because you don’t say a great deal. It’s like the comedy sketch of a person mistaking someone’s office for a therapist’s office, sitting down and offloading onto them whilst they look on in silent surprise and shock. They say nothing at all and after the offloading the person gets up and leaves saying thank you so much!! You’ve REALLY helped me.
The person said literally nothing at all but the person figured out their own answer simply by talking about it to a listening ear.

Next time you go to the hairdressers when they greet you, it’s perfectly ok to say “hello! How are you? I’m exhausted, I’m so looking forward to some quiet down time and to read my book!”. Then read your book/kindle.

It’s harder with strangers but I just go right inside my head and think my own thoughts. I think when you do this you automatically come across as distracted and “unavailable” in that sense. I just tune out everyone else and often listen to podcasts with my headphones in which also helps. It is hard because you don’t want to appear rude but equally, it’s not your job to be the world’s bloody therapist!

Work on your resting bitch face.

I sympathise here. You have, what we call in our family, The Face.

People, for whatever reason, identify that you’d be a good listener. Unfortunately having The Face can be a curse. My adult daughter recently told me that she seems to have become The Face now as she has had to listen to so many stranger’s woes lately.

She used to laugh at me as a teen when she witnessed me trying to escape politely.

I have heard more about stranger’s personal lives than the lives of some close relatives! It can be women or men, nothing creepy, just people imparting some very deep secrets or distressing experiences.

I don’t have, I feel, a particularly sympathetic face. It’s bewildering sometimes and yes I do feel like a fraudulent therapist on occasion.

The electrician that worked at my house recently told me all about his teen’s eating disorder and the carpet fitter told me the heartbreaking story of his & his partner’s fertility struggles. My husband overheard the tail end of that conversion and was like, blimey, I know what you mean about The Face now.

I don’t have any advice other than to be a be a bit ruder when you’re cornered.

We are conditioned to be polite, after all.

I had this recently - DD was seriously ill in hospital. I was exhausted, stressed etc and no less than four health professionals attempted to offload some pretty awful experiences of their own to me. I stopped the first one after 5 minutes and had to be blunt to say I didn’t have the capacity to take on anyone else’s difficulties. The other three I cut short too.
It then happened yesterday at the chemist when I collected DD’s prescription - the pharmacist was chatting to me about the drug and then started taking graphically about when her child was very ill.
I’m normally a patient, kind person but just can’t take it right now.

I seem to have one of those faces where people stop and tell me things like this. Over the Easter holidays I've had two people stop and tell me all about their children being SEN and need help with x y and z and were born at x weeks and blah blah blah.

Is it an attention thing? I don't get why someone would point out what can be perceived as flaws of a child when the child doesn't give any outward signs of a problem...wouldn't have had a clue unless they didn't point it out and share their story. I put it down to people lapping up the attention/me having that kind of face...although I thought I had a resting bitch face! I feel for you though...three hours! Will you go back?

A work colleague rang me on Friday night and the call lasted 3 hours and 39 minutes. I was talked at the entire time, despite saying many time I had to go, I wanted to go to bed. Never again! It happens to me everywhere I go and I'm getting really fed up of being 'talked at'. My job involves listening to extremely distressing outpourings - I don't want to be subject to it outside of work but it persists. I don't like being rude to people but maybe its time I was!

I honestly have one!!

My job involves working with people, often in high-conflict situations so I have a pretty good deadpan face.

don’t think there is much stigma around anything any more, and I don’t think we need to raise awareness of much, because we’ve talked about it all until we’re blue in the face. People sharing their sad stories are an extension of this culture where people just seem to feel the need to over share

I Soooo agree with this. I am aware of things, I just don’t want to hash them out with strangers or acquaintances every fcking day! I’m sick of talking about such heavy subjects all the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, I just want a break sometimes.

At my old gym there was a cleaner there who rarely did any actual cleaning and spent her time in the women’s changing room telling everyone her problems. I felt for her but it pissed me off so much. Going to the gym was literally my only “me time” for the entire week when I didn’t have kids shouting “muuuuum”, DH chatting about work, my elderly dad wanting help/support or to rant about what his neighbours had done that day. It honestly made me want to cry at times because it was the only chance I had to myself and every time she’d be blathering on about her family drama or her sisters new haircut or other such rubbish. Even when I kept my headphones on she’d motion for me to take them off to tell me a story about her cat. I even started going at different times to avoid her but she was always bloody there!

In the end I just kept my headphones on, ignored her, and avoided eye contact. I think she was annoyed at this but frankly, by that point I didn’t care. I spoke to others who used the gym and they said they’d found her similarly intrusive, and I even think someone complained about her to management so she was annoying a lot of people.

Although I'm very emotionally closed off myself and find it hard to open up to people, I actually really don't mind it when this happens to me. Possibly because I'm quite a nosy/curious person and find other people's lives much more interesting than my own!

YANBU if it annoys you though. My sister used to say (in jest - I really hope she never said it to a real, distressed person!) 'Don't come to me with your problems - I'll laugh!'. Maybe a similar approach would help you! 😉

I get this, and mostly I don't mind if I can walk away after a few minutes. But the 3 hours in the hairdressers would kill me.

I remember when I was about 15 I got stuck next to an American guy on a plane who told me his whole life story. I fell asleep after "now my third wife was a wonderful woman. But the divorce changed her..."

I used to catch the bus into town and the stop was slap-bang outside a hospital. I ALWAYS had a complete stranger waiting alongside me whose opening gambit was "I've just been at the hospital seeing a consultant", apropos of nothing.

This obliged me, as a point of basic courtesy, to say "oh, is there something wrong?"

Blimey! It opened the floodgates - the entire medical history, current medications, appts for a variety of scans, previous health complications, what the consultant said, projected prognosis, blah, blah, yak-yak......

And the monologue always finishes with "......and the consultant said he'd never seen a case like mine before!"

(Yeah, I'd put money on that matey).