To be sick of strangers’ life stories?

[Chaney]

I know this will make me sound unsympathetic and cold. I’m generally not but, like most people, I have a lot on my plate and just can’t really take the mental load of strangers.

Twice this week I’ve had complete strangers tell me their sad life stories.

I got my hair done on Thursday and had a new stylist who spent the full three hours I was there yapping at me about all the awful things that had happened on her life. Poor woman really did have some awful events occur, but I was exhausted, drained, worried about stuff that’s going on it my own family, and left feeling like I paid £300+ to act as her personal therapist while stuck in a chair. I did resort to making non-commital “uh huh” noises and burying my head on my phone or a magazine after a while, but she persisted.

Then today I was in a small local shop. The owner was putting an order together for me while telling me about being widowed last year. Now, I certainly felt sympathy for her but I expressed it, but she just kept going on and on about the details of her late husband’s illness and premature death while very, very slowly fetching the items that were needed for my order.

I’ve always encountered this- strangers clinging on to me. I really don’t know why- I’m not especially approachable or engaging. I don’t share a lot about myself with people I don’t know. I’m assertive but it’s hard to ask someone to be quiet or move away from them when they’re in tears telling you about the abuse they’ve sustained, or a bereavement.

I think it’s gone much worse since Covid too- people just seem to want to over share.

Reading this reminded me that I used to get this a lot. I went to counselling a few years ago and this came up about taking on others’ woes and the need to hand it back to them. One thing that I often go back to is that you’re not responsible for how others feel about what you say. So maybe you’re being nice when you’re worried about offending them whereas actually it is affecting YOU and YOU don’t need this extra baggage. There was a phrase on here a couple of days ago about setting yourself on fire to kept yourself warm. Try changing the subject and you may feel awful the first few times but it gets easier. I think something must have changed in me because I don’t get people offloading to me as much now and reading your op made me realise this. However, I appreciate it’s difficult when you’re stuck in a chair for hours.

However I don't get why the people that just talk a lot of words at others even need the other person, they don't seem to want any kind of response from the other person. Why don't they just use the record app on their phone and talk at that instead?

This happens to me too.
I think it’s a combination of reasons - I have a ‘kind’ face, I’m good listener with a more quiet personality. And usually too polite to say when I’ve had enough!!

But the op is about not having to listen to others’ woes. You did exactly what the post is about.

I get this too

Agree with this. The frustrating thing is, its not even a conversation - its literally them talking AT you which is rude, no matter what they've been through.

I'm pleasantly surprised there have been no #bekind responses in this thread as there usually are. It's really sad people are lonely but I am betting that half of these people do have others to offload on to, but it's just never enough for them. I would never burden a stranger with all my woes because it's intrusive and rude to do so. The thing is- they have no idea what you might be dealing with at the time, you could be in a terrible place mentally. I now just change the subject and give very minimal short answers. Or, a good response to say is "I see, so what are you planning to do about it?"- that hands it back to them and usually they dont like that as they dont actually want to sort it out, they just want someone to agree with them that they are right and the person in their story is wrong. I have noticed that phrase often stops it in its tracks which is interesting from the perspective of what their motivation is.

I refuse to be drawn into the role of therapist for someone, I just dont have the emotional bandwidth to do so.

I found this is my life! Divorces, marriages, spats, people not speaking to their children, and one case a discussion of diabetic gangrene. The only thing I can think of is that while I have resting bitch face I make eye contact with people.

My colleagues said I’d said I should stare at the floor more to avoid it which was perhaps the most depressing thing I’ve ever been told.

I have found that talking about yourself more is a good defence. Add in a pointless yet tangentially related anecdote. Then at the end say “oh dear I must run! Good luck with X, Y or Z” that way you don’t look like you don’t care as you’ve not interrupted their story free therapy to say you are leaving.

Cut and highlights somewhere fancy I imagine

I think you have to have a pick n mix of excuses up your sleeve OP - a migraine for the hairdresser that means you need silence, a train to catch for the shop lady

If you haven’t got it in you, you can’t let people drain your energy

Because humans need connection and to feel heard, surely you know this?

Not that the OP has to facilitate it.

@Windysquall I agree with you.
my friends always joke that I have a listening face as this also happens to me

Ah yes,I have a vaguely related person who does this to me.
Looking back on yesterday's conversation she was on (via two phones cos battery died on one) over 2 hours. She talked at me, I've heard it all before and she just wants to moan not fix the issues so I carried on. I made an entire large Yorkshire pudding from scratch while she was talking at me.

I stopped using public transport because of people telling me life stories I dont want to hear.

See I wouldn't feel any connection from just talking at another person. When I do try to talk to someone and they don't really respond or talk back I give up because I assume they aren't interested and it would feel really awkward to keep going on at them.

I’m literally going through the pain of trying to find another hairdresser for this very reason. Current one is the main colour person at local average salon. She does average hair but it’s local. Unfortunately someone close to her died and every single time you have to listen to the entire story. Plus she’s incredibly nosy. Last time she was grilling me about how much my house is worth!

I have this, I was working in the NHS and my boss told me I should switch my training to mental health nursing as so many patients wanted to divulge all, I was only a teenager.

Personally I haven’t minded and it’s happened to me all my life. I’m in my fifties now and when younger some of the stories I heard from people who had lived through WW2, well it was a real privilege. I met a German woman who had been liberated by the British and married one of the guys who rescued her. She described her Mother praying how the Russians wouldn’t get there first. Also a navigator on a Lancaster bomber and his lamenting the loss of his wife and a woman whose brother had been hung in the town square by the Germans, she was Belorussian.

But I am fascinated by the human condition and am good at steering conversations. I just wouldn’t be having a colleague witter on for hours about low level crap. I can shut down the tedious stuff.

I used to get this a lot, too, until I began losing my hearing. I guess I'm not a very captive audience when I can't hear anything they're saying.

Once I tell people I'm deaf, they are usually quiet because it's too much effort for them to communicate with me, and they can't just drone on and on.

See @ViciousCurrentBun I was even bored reading about your second hand accounts of other's ancient war stories! You don't recount them to your friends do you?

YANBU, both of those situations would make me uncomfortable.

Has anyone seen the TV programme What we do in the shadows? Maybe there are real life energy vampires out there and you have been their victims? 😆

I don't get any of this which is just as well because I'd hate it. I must have a resting 'be quiet' face.

Oh my god- yes to the period chatter!

I’m only 41 so don’t think it’s that I’m Victorian in my outlook, but I was raised to class periods and most bodily functions as something generally private. Obviously, if it’s relevant to a conversation with friends or family, the topic will come up but I’m noticing it more and more with strangers, or women in work.

The amount of casual conversations lately where a woman just drops in the fact that she has/is getting her period is crazy to me.

I think you’re right about the subtle signals that I might give to strangers who want to offload!
I’ve asked family members in the past what it might be and got nothing useful. One family member gave me some old flannel about woo mind tricks or “having the gift” 😂
My job, ironically, means having to be completely opaque emotionally with my responses to clients.

I also agree with the posters who mention the oversharing and the need for valuation.

Some of the people clearly need a professional ear for their troubles, not a random woman at the station.

I think I need to learn this face! 😀

That should read validation!

Have you no soul? I found them fascinating, wanted to hear / know more.
these tragic tales are more genuine and captivating than the usual fare
VCB is intelligent, articulate, compassionate, read and learn

@SOxon obviously not. I'm too concerned with real life situations to listen to nostalgic twaddle from the 1940s.