Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

His reaction was definitely over the top.

Bloody hell! I’m assuming none of you were around in the 80s. This is a ridiculous over reaction. It’s fair enough to ask that someone doesn’t smoke indoors but that’s extreme behaviour.

He said loud and clear that he wouldn't have dated you as an occasional smoker.

You then smoked. Had you not have been "caught" would you have had more later when your friend was outside having another cigarette?

He probably is wondering about your future together when you so blatantly smoked knowing how he felt. I am thinking if he posted this AIBU to end my relationship because I stated over 9 years ago that I would not date a smoker, have made comments over the last 9 years that I hate smoking, the smell and yet my fiance decided to smoke again. It doesn't matter how many puffs, it is smoking. You are a smoker.

Your partner is a complete twat. Making comments to your friend is unacceptable regardless of anything else! A man who tried to cause an argument with your friend is a giant red flag imo.

He definitely shouldn’t be “kicking off” either. Being angry that your partner has done something you don’t like is understandable. Silent treatment, glaring, making a scene in front of guests is absolutely not understandable at all.

I also think you’re getting this reaction cos it is smoking. If you’d said some other perfectly legal thing (eg getting drunk as a one off) or even probably illegal drugs (eg smoked weed as a one off) you’d be getting a completely different response.

I am a non smoker and really don't care if people have the occasional cigarette or not. I can't see why people get so worked up about it, there are far bigger risks to health on a daily basis. Your husband sounds like a tedious control freak and this is just something he's fixated on, a bit like 'stacked cups' man the other day. His way of having a go at you and making you feel small and foolish.

Nah I'm with him. It's gross and what was the point? You gained literally nothing other than pissing your husband off and possibly a bit of a head rush? What a waste of time and energy.

I can't see why people get so worked up about it, there are far bigger risks to health on a daily basis

There really aren't many/any bigger health risks in the developed world. It's the single biggest predictor of morbidity/mortality in most of the most significant cronic health conditions and it's 100% preventible. A grown adult is still free to make the unwise decision of doing it if they want but don't be surprised if people are so opposed to it

He sounds like an insufferable bell end op boring on at your friend but yea he was definitely waiting to catch you out.

What a drama! Cringing for him.

While I dislike smoking intensely, YANBU. Is he controlling in other ways and does he overreact to other things?

What a mad thread.

YANBU ... if I ever tried to "catch my partner out" doing something I didn't like, he would dump me so fast, you'd hardly see the smoke. And he'd be right to.

This. Smoking is bad for you. So is drinking, eating fatty foods, driving too fast, etc etc. do we approach all of these things in the same way? The OP partner may hate smoking that's perfectly ok, what isn't ok is behaving as he did. It seems very unpleasant.

@Loloj

Read this:

”People who have smoked or previously smoked don’t understand how absolutely vile it is [for those who don’t like it for health / smell reasons].

He has massively overreacted OP. No way would I allow him to try and police my fun with my friend. He’s being ridiculous and it sounds more like he just enjoys trying to control your choices and is probably huffy that you were having a nice time with your friend. Hovering around trying to ‘catch you out’ so that he could then spoil the rest of your evening by having an argument over a couple of drags of a cigarette. Pathetic.

Slippery slope though if he thinks you’ll tolerate the behaviour and this silent treatment from him. I’d tell him to pack his bags and piss off.

He owes your friend an apology too.

A reaction like that would probably have me buying a pack at the garage. Because I can.

People make lots of choices others don't agree with. Some of them might affect how attractive a partner is to someone.

I don't drink and I find it disgusting when people drink to excess. If as a one off, a partner came home drunk and vomiting, I wouldn't find it attractive. But I wouldn't say it's my place to yell at them or punish them for it.

As much as OP's partner sees smoking as a dealbreaker, his behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me.

Apologise for being rude and promise that next time you will remember to offer him a cigarette too.

Sorry but this is really offensive.

I started smoking when I was 15. In my 20s I easily smoked 10+ a day (way more when drinking). I am now 34 and haven't touched a cig in about 3 years. My DH smokes, most of my friends smoke. I sit with them in the beer garden when they're smoking and I'm not even tempted. I've been offered cigs loads on nights out and had plenty of opportunities but just don't want to. I wouldn't consider myself a smoker at all. I don't even vape. I have no urge, desire, craving etc for a vape. I do not consider myself weak and certainly not addicted.

having a drag on a fag when you’ve had a drink doesn’t make you a ‘smoker’ and your partner needs to get a grip. (I’m a nine smoker and don’t particularly like smoking… not advocating for smoking) but he is over reacting and it’s completely up to you if you have a cheeky fag after a drink. It only becomes his business if 1. You smoked inside the house, which you didn’t. 2. It turned from a few cheeky fags into full
time smoking- which it probably won’t.

Tell him to get over it.

This

“fuming” 😂geddit?

For those who despise smoking, and it's ill effects on health, a question.

Do you feel the same about people who over-imbibe a few times a month or have a few drinks every night? People who are drunk and puke? What about those health ramifications?

I voted YABU because:

He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

You knowing this and then smoking socially is communicating that you disrespect his boundary. It also shows a lack of empathy. It's important to him, so important that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes, even if it's occasional.

I don't think he should be shouting or giving you the silent treatment. I do think you need to understand his point of view. Decide if you can respect this boundary or not. If not, then the consequence has been spelled out.

He’s being absolutely outrageous and so out of order it’s unreal.

how you deal with this may set a precedent in how entitled he feels to behave in a controlling way going forward. Rightly or wrongly it’s now a power play and you need to assert yourself.

if I were you I would be going in guns blazing, how dare he speak to you like that and be rude to your friend and how dare he try and tell you what you can and can’t do and then sulk about it. You will not be accepting that behaviour in a relationship.

if you apologise and back down he will see that as weakness and I feel there’s a good chance you’ll see more of this sort of behaviour.

fwiw I like a cheeky cig every now and then with a few drinks, my partner doesn’t really like it but he’ll maybe tut and roll his eyes at me and that’s it. And neither of us would ever dream of making a guest feel uncomfortable in our homes for any reason.

👆Exactly.

Smoking threads always bring the weirdos out. 2 drags in 2 years doesn't make you a "smoker"

He sounds like an insufferable arse wrt smoking. Would fit right in on mumsnet.

Op he reaction was shit. Even as adults sometimes we have big emotions that can be quite overwhelming. If he was drinking and felt antagonised by your friend nipping out for cigs, he probably felt completely overwhelmed when you went out with her and he lost his ability to react accordingly and proportionately. That's his problem entirely, not yours.
You are a full grown woman who can smoke or not smoke to your hearts content. Sure, you knew it would upset him if he found out, you were happy to take that chance (probably didn't even think about it?). An appropriate reaction would have been for him to ask you if you had smoked and then addressed why it was a problem for him and ask you if you intended to smoke anymore. If you said yes, then he could very easily end the relationship