Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

She knows it’s a deal breaker for him and they’re still together so presumably he thinks she’s a non smoker. She smokes, so is not what she has led him to believe.

That’s her choice but essentially she did something which she knew was a deal breaker for him. She behaved in a way which she knew might end her relationship.

Whatever you, or anyone else thinks about this, that’s the bottom line.

Yes smoking is bad but he sounds very overbearing op.

That’s his line in the sand. You know it’s a one off. He doesn’t, so you probably need to reassure him whilst at the same time reiterating that his reaction isn’t appropriate and was embarrassing.
He needs to trust you but you also need to acknowledge that you understand why he’s worried and that you understand you are putting your relationship at risk if you go back to it, which is precisely why you won’t do it for more than the few puffs you did.

Given that second hand drinking doesn't exist, it's a poor comparison. I don't give a shit what other people put in their body so long as it doesn't impact me, and their health isn't my concern. Someone smoking near me does impact me. I am forced to breathe in their toxic smoke and smell it.

The thing is even if it is his bottom line, you’re a separate human being to him, he’s not your overlord. People change over the years or do something different. I do get his side but he’s not your jailer.

I’m so grossed out by smoking. The thought of kissing a smoker repulses me and I’d be really disappointed if dh did, even for one night. He’s being an arse about it but I do understand his feelings. I find it so unattractive.

I have never heard of second hand eating or drinking effects so it’s not comparable

If someone eats and drinks too much then it impacts them, if someone smokes around other people then everyone is affected by the smoke

WOW. I hate smoking with a passion and couldn’t cope if my partner regularly smoked. But massive over-reaction much?? Is he this controlling in other ways OP? I’d tell him that he can either accept you may have the odd cigarette when you drink (but you’ll never take it up all the time) and that that is your choice. If he chooses to break up with you then so be it.

I would seriously rethink marrying this guy.

Smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me due to many lung related deaths in the family. If my husband even had a couple of puffs then it would be a betrayal.
I know others won’t understand that but that’s how I view it

@Loloj I’m embarrassed to admit this but I ended a friendship once because she took up smoking….it’s actually a very visceral response I have to the smell of cigarettes but I’m also super sensitive to other strong smells and it can make me feel really unwell. It’s obviously totally wrong of him to act like that towards you and make your guests uncomfortable but I can understand it ( though not justifying his response!)

He’s acting like a right pillock. I’d be angry with him for being so passive aggressive and rude to my friend, a guest in our home, and I’d absolutely not accept him being so aggressive and speaking to me that way over a couple of drags on a cigarette, as a complete one off. I understand that he doesn’t want to be with a habitual social smoker but for goodness sake, that’s hardly what this is!

I guess he's re-evaluating your relationship.

Personally the friend should not be smoking at your house during a visit. You could have met elsewhere or had a shorter visit so they didn't need to step out if your really value your DP feelings.

I am a life-long non-smoker. It disgusts me beyond measure. I wouldn't be with someone who smoked.

BUT who the fuck does he think he is, policing what you do and checking up on you in order to catch you out? It's not the smoking that's the issue, it's the control. I'd dump him for that.

And he told you. I wouldn't be with a smoker either. It absolutely stinks and sticks to everything.

He gets to set his own boundaries around smoking.

i wouldn’t have allowed a
guest in my home who was smoking immediately before entering my house. its vile and they will have brought the stench into the home.

you knew his feelings about smoking and decided to ignore them. You are allowed to do what you want, but there are consequences to your choices.

He isn’t unreasonable to have strong opinions on smoking. But he is very unreasonable to try to use those opinions to control you and other people by behaving the way does if you don’t toe his line.

He needs to decide if he can accept that occasionally you may choose to smoke. You need to decide if you want to continue a relationship with a man who behaves this way when you do something he doesn’t like.

Maybe you’re just not compatible

You were well rid.

I've not read all the replies OP as the first few couple of pages are honestly batshit crazy. You had a drag of a cigarette for goodness sake not smoked crack. He needs to get over himself treating you and your guests like that, I would be so embarrassed.

I get it smells and people think it's anti social but you'd think you'd killed his pet the way he went about telling you that.

I've seen marriages break up over smoking. He's been very clear that it's a deal breaker and you've been very clear you don't care. His rather unpleasant actions and reactions would also be a deal breaker for me you both sound very immature. Break this engagement off you are not suited.

I watched my mum and dad both die in agony of smoke related deaths and I hate smoking ....... BUT I also think your partner overreacted massively. What a wanker !

What a degrading way to treat another adult in their own home. Was he doing his best impression of a dog? All he had to do was state how he loathed the smell and respect that it's your body, your lungs and since it wasn't inside your joint home he just needs to respect that sometimes adults disagree.

Why? I would never get in a relationship with a smoker and I also dumped someone when he told me he smoked socially.

I think it's fair enough to have boundaries and likes and dislikes. I feel the same about people getting black out drunk, spitting, and being rude to waiters and retail workers. Instant ick with no returns.

Right, you think people who hate smoking indoors would be ok with their partner getting blackout drunk and throwing up in the living room?

Ok? What did you expect people to say? Yeah I'm totally cool with that, that's normal for a Tuesday afternoon?!

I wouldnt want a smoker in my house tbh, the smoke smell gets all over clothes and transfers to any soft furnishings they sit on. Id be really cross with my dh for smoking, or doing anything that was out of character for him because one of his mates was doing it, because I see that type of behaviour as being weak willed, which is really unattractive to me.

I wouldnt have gone in his face or tried to catch him out however. But maybe there is other stuff going on here as we only have your side of things? Did she close the door, did a gust of smoke stink come in with her every time? It sounds like she went out very frequently
Dh has a right for his home to be his refuge as well as you so coming to compromise would be ideal really.