Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Wow these response attacking the op. You’d think she shot heroin

op you did nothing wrong and he abused you and in front of friends . You are entitled to do whatever you please and a few puffs doesn’t make you a social smoker. Any more than one glass of Prosecco in two years makes you an alkie.

you need to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable , he was ungracious to your guest and abusive to you. That he needs to apologise and promise never to behave like this again. And if he does. Make it clear it will be over.

id not stand for this at all and would be furious.

it sounds like a teenage strop.

I can understand the aversion. And as others have said, what you were doing was social smoking. But he should have had a conversation with you.

Another one trying to understand the relevance of the eating.

I guess she's making the point that the MIL is engaging in an unhealthy habit herself, so she's a hyporcrite for caring. Well if I wave my arms around because of someone else's smoke invading my space (even if other people deem them to be 'nowhere near' me ) it's because the smoke is reaching my eyes, nose and mouth and not because I give even the tiniest shit about what they are doing to their own lungs and heart. It's not even because I care overly much about what they might be doing to my lungs and heart.

It's because it stinks and it's ruining my enjoyment of my meal or my drink, or my ability to just walk down the street without getting a gob full of the person in front's foul cigarette smoke.

I'm a non smoker but your husband's reaction was way OTT. Sounds like he's jealous of your friendship with your visitor. What else does he not approve of in your life?

He sounds like a right holier than thou pillock. I'd tell him to get bent, but then I don't like being told what to do in my own home. Being rude to your friend about it as well, bet she thinks he's a silly sod.

He overreacted, but I don’t believe he was trying to catch you out. The stink would have been detectable as you walked in.

You should absolutely be telling her that she cannot smoke while she's visiting your home as your partner can't tolerate the smell. She has no right to impose her disgusting habit on someone who hates it whilst visiting their home. If she can't comprehend that, she's daft and not much of a friend.

Your partner is being an arse. You're an adult who took a few puffs of a cigarette. It's not like a few lines of cocaine.

To all the posters attacking the OP, can you not see that the following is FAR worse than someone having a rare smoke with a friend:

"he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me"
"He kicked off"
"This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me" and
"making it awkward with our guests."

His behaviour is shocking and repulsive. He's really punishing you isn't he.

I'm married over 20 years.
The one and ONLY time DH has ever raised his voice was when I smoked indoors (it was raining outside) while our children (babies) were asleep upstairs. He was absolutely disgusted with my smoking indoors.

Smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me, and always has been since I was a child. So if I was your DP I'd be terrified, in my head working out what the heck to do with my/our future and plans etc.
If he's like this on a range of stuff then he's controlling but he is allowed to have a line in the sand if he's otherwise reasonable. Unfortunately if you've crossed the line for him he has to work out how to deal with it.

Smoking when drinking makes you a smoker.

Non-smokers don’t have the odd puff

You are both very unreasonable. You, for being with a man who detests smoking, yet you will still smoke occasionally. He, for being with an ex smoker who still likes the occasional puff, yet he's dictating and complaining.
You are incompatible but rather than doing the obvious sensible thing and splitting up, you're being silly, bickering and arguing with each other.

A smoker who likes smoking and a non-smoker who hates smoking can never, ever have a happy relationship and if you're both deciding to stay together then you need to accept that. Then you can waste days of your life arguing.

That would me my take to.

If this is not his normal behaviour he is probably trying to think about whether he wants to continue with the engagement.

I can kindof see it from both POV. My DH supposedly quit smoking years ago. I genuinely think he did for a while but then I caught him having one one day a few months back. He would never have told me if I hadn't found out for myself. I know he's now back to smoking regularly but I don't even ask about it now because I don't think I'll get an honest answer anyway and I'll be the bad guy for daring to feel strongly about it.

I hate it. I've told him I hate it. I have a condition that through no fault of my own may well shorten my life expectancy. I've told him that I feel that it's incredibly selfish of him to choose to shorten his lifespan when we have a child. I'm now in a limboland where I kindof feel that it's silly to break up a family for what is arguably quite a trivial reason. However, I am still angry, repulsed and heartbroken that my partner of 15 years and father to my child is clearly making zero effort to stop despite me making it very clear how I feel and I can't even trust him to be honest about it. It hasn't triggered me to leave him yet but I've definitely considered how much I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who not only prioritises smoking over their wife and their child's happiness and wellbeing but also lies their arse of to me about it too. It's rather pathetic and selfish imho.

Don't underestimate the impact that smoking has on your partner OP. Yes you're perfectly within your right to smoke regardless of what your partner thinks but he's perfectly within his rights to find another partner who's values align more with his own. Is it really worth it?

That is very different to OPs situation. You are allowed to make your own decisions for yourself. He was advocating for his babies.

I went ballistic when I found out my MIL was smoking indoors (next to an open window) when babysitting for a couple of hours. She never babysat again as the trust, that was on a shakey peg before, was gone.

@Loloj

As much as I hate smoking, he waaaay overreacted. You are an adult and entitled to make your own decisions. He's entitled to feel as he feels, but he's not entitled to castigate you about it.

His PA remarks about your friend were childish. BUT his demand that you obey his 'edict' and his response when you didn't signify 'controlling' to me. Of course he's entitled to end the relationship if he wants to (for any reason) but if that were simply the case he would have quietly told you so. Bullying you about it is wrong.

I may be WAAAYYY off the path here, but could he possibly be looking for a reason to end your relationship? It just seems a few drags on a ciggie is such a silly thing for such a HUGE reaction.

Unless he has a big family history of ciggie related deaths in his family? The maddest I ever saw my (normally calm and cool) dad get at me was when he caught me smoking when I was about 14. But out of the 8 sons in his family, all his brothers died of some type of smoking related illness, from cancer to emphysema to heart disease. None lived past 70. Dad was the only one who didn't smoke and he watched both his older and his younger brothers die from things that probably wouldn't have happened if they were non-smokers.

he’s out of order - no matter what thoughts are on smoking this is hugely controlling

You are entitled to do whatever you please and a few puffs doesn’t make you a social smoker. Any more than one glass of Prosecco in two years makes you an alkie.

That's not a good analogy. A few puffs with a drink does make her a social smoker. That's literally the definition of a social smoker. It doesn't make her a daily smoker with a nicotine addiction.

I think that you are both BU.

Him fir his reaction & you for smoking.

Your dp definitely was out of line and that must've been so humiliating! Some people have a visceral aversion, though, and I get that. Something to think about.

I’d react the same it’s a deal breaker and a gross habit. I have asthma and it would affect my breathing. The stench is obvious he didn’t need to catch you out it would have been obvious as soon as you came back in.

At a wedding once the bride caught the ex smoker groom having a cigarette and went nuts and everyone sympathised with her.

Ok, honestly, those of you who are laying into the OP: if your partner or husband did this, are you seriously saying you would go up and sniff him, have a go at him in front of his friend, create an atmosphere the next morning and GLARE at him instead of talking?

The OP is not asking if her partner is being unreasonable to hate smoking. All this talk of it being a deal-breaker for him is fine: if he wants to leave her over it, he can. What's not fine is staying and treating her like this. You don't get to punish another adult for doing something you don't like, and the sniffing thing is definitely into controlling territory. Could you truly respect a man who treated you like that, or more to the point, ever believe that he respects you?

If it’s a deal breaker for him there’s not much else to be said.

Came to pretty much say this.

As an ex smoker. I don't see a problem with this. Op is not hiding it or sneaking around, which would be a problem. Frankly, it's the bfs problem. Op isn't what I'd class as a social or even casual smoker. A once in a blue moon smoker, maybe.

But your bf shouldn't be behaving like that. It's even more disgusting than having a cigarette. He is controlling and showing abusive behaviour. Slient treatment and passive aggressive comments are being used as a punishment.

And, before you even you went out with your friend. His passive aggressive comments re: your friends smoking, is just as bad. To a guest and long standing friend. She would have been 100% aware if it was said within her hearing.