Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Don't marry him. It'll only get worse as he gets older.

Leaving aside the issue of how repellant he finds smoking and whether or not he is right about that, you now know what happens when you break his rules. Think about that.

I can become extremely ill if someone smokes near me, and there would definitely be the possibility of a stay in hospital. When my husband started smoking again (in secret, but it was fairly obvious!) a few years ago, I talked to him about it. There was no tantrum, no silent treatment and no drama. I talked to him, he admitted that he had been smoking and agreed to stop because of the risk to me and our baby.

I'm afraid it doesn't sound like he is the man for you. It might be for the best that you did this now and not after the wedding.

Not a smoker and don’t like it but above all that comes bodily autonomy. He cannot police you or what you choose to do. The only time I would say he had a right to an opinion was if you were pregnant with his child.

Rubbish!

I had my last cigarette in 1996, and never have I had once since!
My mum & dad both gave up in 1977 and they haven’t touched one since giving up!

Total line for me, I split up with my ex of 4y after he started smoking ecigs behind my back and lying about it. He actually smoked when he wanted to date me, told him I catergorically wont date a smoker, his choice. Few times I could smell it on him and denied it. Soon as I found receipts for coils that was the end. Took a year to actually split but my trust and hence my attraction was instantly killed and that was the end

Cigarettes are the worse along with perfume. The two together 🤮

He's probably worried that if he lets it go then it will be a slippery slope and you'll start smoking regularly on a night out or every time you have a drink and constantly say 'but it's hardly ever' when the truth is that it's increasingly often. If the thought of that is intolerable to him then I can see why he'd want to draw his line in the sand now.

It could be anything, couldn't it? Watching porn, gambling, blaspheming, voting Tory, cooking and eating meat in front of your partner who is vegan, or in this case, smoking. It doesn't really matter what it is, if someone has made their feelings very, very clear that a condition of being in a relationship with them is that you do not do that thing, then it's up to you to decide whether to respect that or not, but don't be surprised if they leave you over it.

I would split up with your partner.

I think smoking is absolutely vile, and I hate it when people walk past the house smoking when I've got the windows open.

I think the silent treatment is a horrible kind of abuse though, and it doesn't matter if he says he wasn't trying to catch you out, you feel this way, and he probably was on edge any way, and so that trust has gone. Both ways. It's dead.

I would also prioritise a 30 year friendship over a partner, but you are the company you keep so be mindful if you don't want to turn into a more regular smoker then you should probably not hang around with smokers while they're smoking.

Good friendships are an investment, as are any relationship, but in this instance it seems your partner isn't willing to manage his grievances amicably, so on those grounds alone I would leave.

Someone more mature will come into your life eventually.

Where did I say he should just put up with it?

I said I thought his reaction was over the top for a couple of puffs on a cigarette.

I do think he has a right to be annoyed as I know he doesn’t like it - I haven’t disputed that. What I don’t agree with is his behaviour towards me and how he came up to me and sniffed in my face and caused a bit of a scene.

Absolute bollocks.

I gave up 22 years ago. Made the decision and stopped cold turkey one day as my priorities changed. I haven't had a cigarette since, no cravings after the initial couple of weeks, the smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel nauseous.

I am no more a "smoker" or addicted to cigarettes than my ds(20), who has never tried one, is and I am also not an unusual ex-smoker.

And she never lied to him. She changed her mind, which is different and not something she has to ask permission for. She had a one off quick drag of a cigarette, probably due to drink and a bit of immature peer pressure to look cool to her friend, which I expect tasted vile!

If she took up smoking again he absolutely has the right to be pissed off if she is prioritising that over their relationship and leave, but for a quick drag, he is being way OTT and I suspect this isn't the only time he behaves like that.

I don’t think it’s a biggie to have the occasional fag although I haven’t for years. I know friends who still do.

He overreacted and should back off, but I have to admit I wouldn't like it if DH started taking a few puffs now and again. I'd worry that he might develop a taste for it.

Maybe it's difficult to understand the appeal because I've never smoked and find even the thought unpleasant. I would be irritated if DH pestered me about eating sugar or any of my other unhealthy habits, so...

Hes such a prick and controlling. I dont smoke, but you can't control what other people do.

My being fat doesn't affect anyone
People smoking around me affects me.

I don't drink generally and I don't like it when people get drunk around me

YABU. Do what you like but don’t expect your partner to stay with you if you intentionally do things that he finds repulsive. Smoking is an absolute dealbreaker for me, everything about it disgusts me.

How can anyone justify his reaction? It's controlling and weird! Who is he to tell op what she can and can't do? Does she not have the autonomy to decide what she wants to do? This was a one-off and not something she is doing regularly! Lovely people of mumsnet condoning controlling and manipulative behaviour 👏 what he could have done was, spoke to her in a calmly manner, expressed how awful he feels about the situation and resolved it that way, did he have to be a controlling and manipulative ass?

He shouldn’t have got in your face . But I agree with him. Smoking is damn right disgusting and I couldn’t be near any partner that smokes. Because of my dads smoking near me as a baby I developed asthma.

How does her eating a cream cake affect others?

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink.

This sort of underplaying the truth is so typical of 'occasional' smokers who are in denial.

I imagine in your younger days you didn't have 'the occasional' cigarette while having a drink. I imagine you smoked quite a bit when you drank and possibly even sometimes when you didn't drink.

Because actually, what you are doing now is having the occasional cigarette when you have a drink. Even if it isn't your cigarette but you are sharing it with someone, and if you don't smoke a whole one, and even if you never buy them or carry them on you but take every chance to cadge a few drags from a friend, and even if the last time you did it was two years ago (which probably means just over a year, in truth) this is exactly what 'the occasional cigarette with a drink' looks like to the rest of us.

You speak as if having the occasional cigarette was something you used to do, instead of something which you are still doing.

I am VEHEMENTLY anti-smoking but fgs it was a couple of puffs!! It’s hardly going to put you in the hospice!!

What is he going to be like if you are carrying his child? God forbid you should have some mayo or cheese or bagged salad (all have been flagged with issues). I remember being pregnant and in a French restaurant and they looked at me as if I had two heads when I questioned these items!!

It all sounds horribly controlling and a massive overreaction - I think a serious conversation (perhaps with a neutral party?) needs to be had.

Wow he’s a prick!
A few drags on a cigarette when drunk is totally fine! Isn’t like you tried to snog him was it!! My husband has a joint now and then and I don’t love the smell but he cleans his teeth and all is fine!

What are you going to do op? He was wanting to catch you out for whatever reason - it’s very extreme from his side. Is he willing to end the relationship over this or will he use it as a stick to beat you for the rest of your life!!!! I’d seriously think and then see how he wishes to move forward. You’re telling me he’s never on occasion been around smokers in other situations - is this how he handles it!!!

You are both BU.

He said he wouldn’t date a social smoker, having a few drags after drinks is social smoking in my book, it would a deal breaker for me and the engagement would be off if we discussed it after and there was no guarantee of never again. You were BU by smoking knowing how much he hates it.

However his behaviour to your friend and reaction to your smoking was out of line too, although I ’d not be happy if someone kept popping out for a smoke while visiting and bringing stinky selves indoors into my home but I’d speak to my partner privately after they had left

I think your husband is being completely over the top. I understand his boundary of not wanting to be in a relationship with somebody who smokes but you are not a smoker, you had a couple of puffs of your friends.
I feel the same as your husband about drinking. As well as not wanting to socialise with an intoxicated person, I cannot abide the smell of wine or the alcohol smell in general that you can smell when somebody has had an alcoholic drink and I definitely couldn't be in a relationship with somebody who regularly drank, but a couple of times a year I couldn't get worked up about.

I suppose the worry is, it would turn into a regular occurrence.

I have friends that smoke. They know I don’t smoke, and wouldn’t dream of asking to smoke either inside or outside when they are in my home. Surely your friend could have the decency to respect a non smoking household and survive for 3 or 4 hours without a cigarette? That’s just common courtesy - I can’t see why it would ruin a friendship. It’s not as if smokers don’t already know that their habit is unacceptable to most people!!

I do think his reaction was probably over the top, but then I think you and your friend were incredibly unreasonable to smoke in the first place. If your friend kept going outside for a cigarette I can guarantee the smell came back inside on her clothes, and that is a vile smell to have in your own home when you are not a smoker.