Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

We got the vote and the ability to choose our own bodily destiny.

1910 called and they miss you. 🙄

I don't know why you can't agree to tell him if you do smoke socially. He is asking for honesty about something that is important to him. Why would that be difficult to do?

I think it sounds like something that really bothers him and your lack of understanding and empathy around this has broken his trust. He is asking for a commitment from you to be honest with him in future.

If you feel that is too much to ask for, then I agree you're really not suited. You're meant to have empathy for your partner and to protect the love and trust you've built together. It may seem minor to you, but it's clearly a big deal to him. In another situation, it could be something he considers minor, but which really matters to you. You're supposed to be on the same side, i.e. the side of the relationship.

He sounds like me (m) if I'm honest! Although I wouldn't shout at the friend. My Grandad died from lung cancer when I was 12. I said I would never touch a cigarette and never have. When I met the wife she was a drunken smoker the night we met, disgusting, I'm still surprised to this day that we ended up getting married! I set my stall out on it from the off and she never smoked again. It would never be a situation that would happen, but whilst knowing how strongly I felt about it, if she randomly went out and had a few drags in the situation you described, I would instantly feel different about her and suspect I would leave after 25yrs together. Not in a controlling way, it's her life and her choice on what she does always. But it's also my choice too and it would instantly change all my feelings I had for her. Will never happen anyway but in this situation I sympathise with your husband

🦇💩⏰

I loathe smoking and have no friends who smoke. I wouldn't date somebody who smoked. But his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Thank you for your input but I don’t agree with anything you’ve said here at all.

I’m not seeking to prove anyone “wrong” - I was seeking clarity on the situation and genuinely wondered if I was being unreasonable.

Yes I absolutely do think he over-reacted and shouldn’t have behaved how he did.

He also says he over-reacted and he has not been “ground down” as you put it.

What the hell are you smoking?

We are both ex smokers and the smell of cigarettes turns both our stomachs. I often comment expletives when i walk out of the supermarket & get a face full of someone else's fag - it's horrid. Our next door neighbour smokes & that stinks too. I have a close friend who smokes & I've actually asked her why she still does it when vapes are so much more people friendly ie. they don't stink - but who am I to question someone else's choice - let's be rational.

I remember smoking at work in an office where no-one else smoked - it didn't used to be a big deal. I also remember when they banned smoking in workplaces - we just got used to smoking outside.

Times have changed, a lot, it's all about perspectives and preferences these days.

Would you rather he simply move out? He’s upset and he is letting you know how much. You both have a decision to make. If you don’t like being controlled in this way, what will you do? Sounds like smoking is a deal breaker for your bf so we know what he’s going to do if it happens again.

Another one who meets a smoker then lays down the law. If you were so anti smoking why on earth did you get with a smoker? The way you talk about your wife is really not very nice.

When I met the wife she was a drunken smoker the night we met, disgusting

Cuckoo

I couldn't live with or kiss or find attractive someone who smoked. As well as the absolutely disgusting stink of the smoke, the bad breath and yellowing teeth, and the effects on health and the damage it does in a house, nothing is more vulgar or makes people look more stupid and unintelligent and common-looking than smoking or vaping.

No not really, I was a teenager and also drunk as a skunk the night we met. I love her, flip it all you like, I won't take your bait trying to say I'm not nice to her! And of course I can lay down my line (law?!) on something, it's a choice for everyone at that point on what their boundaries are in life, smoking was my boundary. Don't try and flip it. We're happily married with 3 kids, the right choices made by both of us

Smoking was your boundary but yet you got together with a smoker?

Well again as I said, I was very drunk, that changes peoples perceptions, and secondly similar to how to OP describes herself, she wasn't 'a smoker' but occasionally had one whilst out drinking. At no point of us 'being together' has she been a smoker and yes my view is that smoking is disgusting and not something I find attractive in a person. Not too sure what your point is here but hopefully that gives you some clarification

YANBU. so he hates smoking. You had a couple of drags. That's really not a massive deal. He's going to have to get over it. Or not. The choice is his. He's behaving like a prick, he can't tell you what you can do in your own home.

I read that as she was smoking the night they met, he said he wouldn't be with her if she smoked, so she stopped, and they lived happily ever after.

I agree with him and in fact, this is exactly what is meant by a boundary. It's not controlling the other person, but saying, if X then Y. If you smoke, I won't be in a relationship with you. It isn't asking the other person to do or not do anything. It's simply making it clear what YOU will do. Then it's the other person's choice what they do. His wife could have said, no, I want to be able to smoke more than I want to be with you. And that's fine - her choice to make.

What she can't do is say, your boundary is unreasonable, you're wrong to have this boundary, I want to be able to smoke but also continue to be in a relationship with you, even though you've made it clear that this is not what you want, because I don't consider your wants and needs to be important. That's controlling.

I think smoking is disgusting too, I don't smoke. Your post just seemed a bit braggy...as if you got her to "toe the line".

I would imagine her feelings for you would change very quickly too if you saw her differently after 25 years of marriage because she had 2 drags of a cigarette.

At least it should be a quick uncontested divorce 😂

Your partner hates smoking and you knew this. You then had a friend over who repeatedly went in and out smoking, probably stunk of smoke, probably left the smell of smoke on anything she sat on, your husband would have had to smell this, in his own home - His anger has built all evening and now he's erupted like a volcano because you were the icing on the cake. You were the final straw.

When I was 14 my grandmother passed away from Cancer. She had been smoking for over 40 years. Her lungs were black from tar which caused the cancer and then it spread through her. She was only 64 when she died. I saw her X-Ray because it was in with her documents, in a box where I was putting away her clothes. I wish I had not looked. I asked my Aunty why the lungs looked like that, because she's a Nurse and she told me it was the build up of carcinogenic tar, from smoking. I was furious. Ever since then I've told this story to family friends whom smoke, amongst other people - 4 of them stopped smoking after I berated them and they've never felt better after getting through the initial struggle.

So, I can understand his anger. However, it might be coming from a place of trauma, like mine. You need to ask him if his parents smoked, or anyone else, or it might be that he finds it to be disgusting without any background. He's as entitled to be disgusted; as you are just entitled to smoke. Unfortunately he dislikes people who smoke - You knew this. You cannot have both. You should not have allowed your friend to smoke at all. It sounds like your partner put up with a lot and became increasingly agitated. It would have been an uncomfortable, stressful, and anxiety inducing feeling for him.

You have shown him no thought -whatsoever-. You need to apologise profusely and ask if he will sit down and discuss this with you.

Your partner overreacted. Its not as if he caught you 'selling drugs' However. It really is a vile habit. I can't bear smokers anywhere indoors with me. Even if they haven't smoked indoors. They smell! It's up to you ultimately but just be careful you don't get the taste for it again. It's wickedly expensive now too. I hope get things talked out with your DP.

How on earth is smoking an occasional cigarette comparable to infidelity?

umm no, there is no 'toe the line'. We met, I had a boundary, it was smoking, we since stayed together forever. But yea if you like, I am happy that my boundary encouraged her quit cigarettes, is that bragging? Not really

Smokers are the devil's spawn and should be hung/ shot.

Anyone who exists within 1000 breaths of a cigarette user, should be reviled/hung as they contaminate the rest of humanity as well.

Smoking is a sin. Smoking is really evil.

Smoking is the biggest largest hugest massivest cause of death on planet earth.