Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Not on that thread.
It was the thread about being married for donkey years and the partner suddenly saying they wanted to get tattoos even though they were both not tattoo kind of people when they met.

I did say he's delivery was wrong, so not sure why the unfounded accusations.

His behavior is unacceptable! He has acted like a child. Does he normally struggle to communicate his feelings and thoughts?

I get this. My friend is a smoker. So when you're standing with them, it seems like a good idea at the time but there is no joy in it.
I was a previous smoker, stopped when I fell pregnant with my son. My husband was a smoker also. I stopped before him. I do get your husbands frustrations at catching you out- which I don't think you deliberately went behind his back to do, otherwise you wouldn't have chosen the back garden-. HOWEVER his "moral high ground" is a piss take.

It seems there is more going on with your partner than he is letting on otherwise why react is such a highly strung way! Your body, your choice!!

@Loloj - in your shoes I'd be tempted to buy a pipe. You don't need to put any tobacco in it. That should be enough to see him off.

I assumed she’d just flick it off the balcony onto the street, which is what she normally did and where she would have flicked it if I’d asked her to smoke downstairs. I don’t have anything I’d want used as an ashtray, nor the means of disposing of the contents of an ashtray without stinking out my flat. People are responsible for the disposal of their own litter and I believe portable ashtrays can be purchased.

That's a bit of a weird reaction - has he been like that about anything else over the 9 years?

This is a serious over reaction. I have had a few puffs on a drunken night out but again very very few and far between and not in years. I grew up in a family of smokers, dad 40+ a day, mum 20 a day, some of my sister's smoked too. It was always in the house and car and we were constantly exposed to smoke. I hated it. Plus as a family we didn't have much money growing up but my parents worked very hard and this was their vice (plus it was very common in the 80s & 90s). My dad had a heart attack a few years ago probably as a result of smoking. He has cut back a lot but still smokes. Luckily the rest of my family successfully gave up. I totally understand your husband hating smoking. It is disgusting but embarrassing you infront of your friend and falling out with you over it is unnecessary and childish. YANBU

You can smoke- he can walk out on you if you partake in the vile habit. My mother smoking left me with fucked up lungs (my brother too). I think there should be a ban. It smells disgusting. I could never be with someone who I couldn’t trust not to walk back into the house smelling like an ashtray

Thanks to those of you who have read my post properly and established that I’m not asking for an opinion on whether smoking is bad for you or whether you could personally be with a smoker etc etc

I realise smoking is bad for you. I’m really not keen on the smell of stale smoke and I could also not be with someone who smoked on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be keen on a relationship with someone who regularly smoked on a social occasions either.

However, that is not me. I had a few puffs of a cigarette as a one-off after a few glasses of Prosecco. All this nonsense about “once a smoker always a smoker” is ridiculous. My partner is also vegetarian but he used to eat meat 20 years ago so does that make him a meat eater still? No it doesn’t.

Also, in response to the comments about how could I possibly betray my partner by allowing my friend to smoke in my garden?! I’m actually flabbergasted. My partner has never actually said to me he didn’t want my friend smoking in the garden and he wouldn’t insist on that (even with the irritating comments he makes).

Anyway, my DP and I have had a short discussion last night (definitely further talking to be had as all is not resolved in my opinion but it was late when he arrived home). He has admitted that he reacted badly, apologised and said shouldn’t have behaved in the way he did. He said he still feels strongly about smoking and it is partly because his grandfather died of a smoking related disease (he hadn’t mentioned this before as a reason he was so anti-smoking). I still don’t feel that is an excuse though to behave in the way he did but he has owned that. I apologised and said I shouldn’t have bothered with the cigarette as I knew he hated smoking so I owned that.

He hasn’t asked me to promise I will never smoke again but that if I ever did then he would want me to tell him. I’m not sure how I feel about that - it’s still feels a bit “go and admit that you’ve been a naughty girl” so I’m probably not going to agree to it. If that is enough for him to walk away from our relationship of 9 years then maybe we are not right for each other.

To clarify, for posters saying red flag and controlling behaviour etc. I can see why you would say this as it does sound very controlling on the face of it. However, he doesn’t display controlling behaviour in any other aspects of our relationship. We generally have a good relationship and he has been a fantastic step-dad to my son (literally stepped up and has been like a father to him). We are quite different people (i would like to think in an opposites attract way), but I think in reality this can cause difficulties between us sometimes as we clash or have quite different opinions (as some people have said possibly mis-matched).

Anyway, definitely further talking to be had but all the varied comments have actually really helped me (and provided me with some laughs so thanks everyone 🤣).

This is ridiculous. I've never smoked and I don't like it. My partner used to be a smoker before I really knew him and once in a blue moon he might have a few social puffs. Do I like it? No. Do I wait until the smell is gone before I want to kiss him again? Yes. Do I have the right to tell him he must never do this again? Absolutely not.

If he took up regular smoking again, I think I'd have the right to have a few conversations about what that meant for us as a family (none of it good) but then my choices would be to continue the relationship in the knowledge of his choices, or to end it. Not to have huge, coercive rows about it followed by days of sulky 'punishment'. Jesus.

But this is clearly who he is. If you go ahead and marry him (which I'm sure you will) I certainly hope you're prepared to always scrabble to keep up to his lofty standards on the topic of the day or suffer the consequences.

What would happen if you suddenly took an equally hard line about motorbikes? Maybe you should, and find out if he's a filthy hypocrite re respecting and adhering to one's partner's position on things, before you tie the knot!

So what’s your attitude to infidelity?
Would you rather that you did not admit it to him of you did do happen to start, because that would be all ‘ admitting you’d been a naughty girl’
So of course if he did something like that, you wouldn’t expect him to tell you…

Doesn’t stack up does it

Oh for goodness sake 🤣

I knew someone would come back with that - a couple of puffs on a cigarette can not be compared with infidelity. I even joked about this with my DP last night

What?? 🤣🤣🤣

I really hate the smell of cigarette smoke. If my DH started to smoke, which is never going to happen, he would get his marching orders! Whilst your DP has no right to tell you what to do or not do he has every right to leave you.

I have been married for a very long time and if I had my chance again I would not have gone ahead due to husbandbsmoking heavily and ant-socially all throughout this time.
However, your partner is not your Dad. How fucking dare he? It would have been enough to have had a quiet word with you once your guest had left. As for making comments to her about her smoking, it is none of his business as long as she smoked outside. I would be carefully considering your relationship after this.

Which obviously begs the question: what if one or the other partner had started a nuclear war? And then did not admit it because it would be admitting that they'd been a naughty girl/boy?

I agree - it doesn't stack up at all 🙄

He's an adult and is free to set his own boundaries - he could refuse to kiss you or to sleep in the same bed or room as you and it might be understandable if he was annoyed at the inconvenience of having to maintain that boundary. It's also understandable that he might be upset or fearful, with it being something he feels very strongly about.

He also needs to remember that you are also an adult and can make your own choices. He doesn't have to like those choices and he can let you know if you're crossing a red line of his but he has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do.

Perhaps he'd had a drink too many and overreacted in the heat of the moment? Hopefully once he'd had time to calm down and a bit of space to process his feelings he'd be able to reflect that his reaction was disproportionate?

I personally think it is important that he acknowledges this as it could represent a red flag regarding controlling behaviour.

He is a control freak!

What other things in your life does he tell you what you can and cannot do? Tell him you are his partner and expect him to treat you with respect.

Or is this just a particular quirk that he needs to sort out. Is there a history of someone dying in his history that has caused this obsession? If not, then tell him that if you want an infrequent drag then you will do so, and that he needs to get over it.

So missing the point..

You’re advocating for you designing where the boundary lies, not your partner.

You’re judging him for how he behaved when he was surprised, compared to your act that you knew about.

And you’re taking the injured victim stance.

This won’t be the first time you’ve gone against something you’ve said before, and found a way to make your partner the one in the wrong for being shocked.

It appears that you can only admit your part because your partner’s been ground down to admit some fault of his. A member of his family died of this and you think he over-reacted.

You definitely are in the wrong - not about smoking, but about your whole approach h to partnership: lacking compassion, seeking to prove your partner wrong, instead of admitting your part and putting serious effort into bridge-building with him: BEFORE you seek the support of rabid MNetters baying for husband blood.

Whatever happened to us being the gentler sex, the fairer sex..

Completely over the top and controlling.

Just read your update - that sounded more reassuring. Although, I agree with your decision to not be bound to a contract of abstinence - it sounds distrustful of him

She's had a few puffs! Is he Mr.Perfect? He should lighten up.

Errr I think that died about a century ago.

You seem to really have it in for the OP, on a personal level. Is it because you don't like smoking? Or do you think she should have meekly capitulated to his temper tantrum and apologised for going against his husbandly wishes?

@Ishallgototheball Whatever happened to us being the gentler sex, the fairer sex....
^^
Arf!

Read my response again and my opinion is there clear as day, all laid out. No need to speculate

Don't worry, I'm equally puritan about obesity and alcohol :)