Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Cool but if you were dating someone for years and then one day they took a couple of puffs of a cigarette would you feel entitled to act like a lunatic?

He shouldn’t have had a go in front of your guest but having lived with a smoker for almost 35 years through the occasional ‘giving up’ period I can understand his fear of smelling smoke thinking you might be starting again. It’s a slippery slope to social smoking to smoking with your morning coffee. Hopefully when things calm down you can both chat things through. I’ve really lost my rag several times when I thought my husband had stopped only to find he’d started again. Always so disappointing.

So your DH smoked when you met him? You then gave him an ultimatum...even though you knew he smoked? Why did you get with a smoker?

Your partner is being a complete prick.

It's fine to sometimes get annoyed at partners, but having a go at you and then giving you the silent treatment is totally unacceptable.

If you were my friend and I saw all that I'd wonder what he's like behind closed doors if he does that when you have company.

What an arse.

2 drags of a smoke isn't going to damage her lungs.
Processed meat etc is also bad for lungs and raises the lung cancer risk, would you feel the same about someone who had a bite of a ham sandwich? No? What about if they had a ham sandwich daily?

OMG what an OVER REACTION!! I dread to think how he’d behave if you did something else he considered ‘bad’. It is controlling and abusive behaviour imo. I could not be with someone who was so controlling, and I’d really consider whether you should be marrying him. It’s a cigarette ffs. And not even a whole one. 🤦‍♀️
Im sorry but some serious red flags going on here. Please please do not think you have done something wrong. You haven’t. Your body, your choice. My heart goes out to you ❤️❤️

It's not a question of either of you being reasonable or unreasonable.

You're just mismatched. You shouldn't be getting married.

He's got a no-smoking boundary - for whatever and maybe genuine emotional reasons, IF he's not a control freak, who wants an excuse to control you.

You're quite happy to go with the flow, and nip outside with people you're close to and maybe puff a cigarette.

I've done the same a few times in the past 40 years - but as an ex-smoking addict, who meets up with an old sixth form friend I used to smoke with. Losing a child and Covid were both breaking points. As was once, just a shitty day.

I have a very understanding husband. He does not judge. He'll always give a hug and ask me if I'm okay.

He also doesn't want me to smoke for health reasons.

But he has never, ever, ever pulled away from me if he doesn't like what I'm doing.

So why is your partner pulling away from you?

Because you both probably have a lot to offer. If you're going to make it through the decades, you both have to have supporting qualities that each can lean on and rely on.

And you both probably have a lot of qualities that make each other's lives better.

If you want to be the jack-the-lad smoker and he hates it - what are you offering that makes him feel like he is understood and supported?

You and your partner are not fluffy beings of entitlement and righteousness. How do you actually support each other?

I’m am so with you, dressing it up as respect is nothing but kidding yourself.

His reaction was over the top. Reminds me of a controlling annoying ex. Saying that though you must know what he’s like if you’re with him so maybe he’s not all too bad…. But yea couple of a ciggy big deal. I hate the smell of cigarettes and have never smoked but there have been times after a drink if a friends had one I’ve said ‘give me one off that!’ … then been totally put off again. Some people need to chill out. I hope he treats you right the majority of the time and behaving this embarrassingly was a one off. You’d think you’d committed a crime 😂.
I do understand why people don’t want to be with people that smoke full time though I’m not a fan of the smell on someone if it was constant but like you say that’s not you

Going to be honest here, reading the OP you've made him sound like some sort of deranged monster. If that is 100% how he is/was I can't see why you'd stay with him. However, it does sound a bit like just getting one side of the story here (which it is of course) and not a balanced account.....

I think his reaction and making you breath on him to check is awful. That's like being at school and being caught by the teacher.
I used to smoke.and haven't for 20 years. I wouldn't want even a drag. But you're an adult. His reaction would make me worry about.how he reacts to all things he doesn't like.
Will he always tell you off in front of people...not really a way to treat someone you love is it

I love smoking and couldn't give a toss what anyone else thinks.

Your husband was way over the top with his reaction.
I can just picture him in a frenzy as soon as you went into the garden with your friend... Frothing at the mouth in anticipation of catching you out!

Hey OP. I just want to say regarding comments attacking you - there are people with empathy and people who think the world revolves around them and their preferences. Tolerance is something you clearly possess that they don’t. And living in a plural society we need more people like you. Smoking used to be cool. If people can’t understand why it’s not a big deal to some they just have no awareness. Lots of people cook food or wear perfume that is offensive to others. No need to be so over the top! You did not put your friend before your partner. And as you may find out sometimes partners aren’t forever. And often good friends are forever.

This isn’t about smoking - it’s about his reaction to a) your friend making a choice he disapproves of b) you making a choice he disapproves of.

This level of judgement and his sense of entitlement to comment on/put down/shout at/denegrate those around him for their choices (whether or not those choices are good) waves 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩s

Don’t marry him - I’m prepared to bet this is not (contrary to what he would claim) the only area in which his entitlement and judgement are on display.

At the very least read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? before you walk down the aisle.

I agree.

People have over looked the real issue!

You had a fag not a full on affair fgs.
Well a few puffs hes not your dad.
I couldent be with someone that acts up over a few puffs what next cut you off from your friend because she smokes.
You smoke you smoke you dont you dont its down to that person.
He would have his ring back and a his bags at the door.
Running people down and passing comments on someone because of what they choose to do would be more of a deal breaker for me.
🚩🚩

But he literally did over react. In an abusive way.

Wow ! controlling or what yet, everyone is coming down on how disgusting smoking is? Where is the control factor missed here for her. How soon is it going to be for something else e.g. her friend/family not welcome in their house. This is a massive red flag even after 9 years. My bet is there have been others that OP hasn't mentioned. Get a grip everyone and see behind the story being told. OP you know what to do deep down.

If you want to smoke, then smoke. It is your decision, not his. Tell him to get over himself. And smoking is not disgusting, I rather like the smell of smoke and my late DH occasionally smoked cigars in the house. I would not dream of making a guest go outside to smoke as if it were some filthy crime - that is being a bad host.

This. You are an adult and he cant control what you do. My DH smoked for years and I did not like it at all, I just think it is disgusting. That said DH gave up quite soon after we got married but occasionally he had a few drags if he was out socially and I always knew this. We had a rule that he didn't smoke anywhere near me or in the house. He now does not even want to have a cigarette even socially. Frankly, there is no way I would have treated him the way he treated you. I have friends who smoke today, they do as your friend does and nip into the garden to smoke if they want one. Your DF reaction would be a huge red flag for me. Has he ever reacted like this in relation to anything else ?

A friend of mine got very drunk once when we were out at a hen do, went home worse for wear and threw up. (I think we have all done that at one time or another ?). Her DF kicked off enormously and then didn't speak to her for days, she was in tears at work the next day but she grovelled and begged him to forgive her. I knew that he was a prick then, unfortunately she still married him. Fast track 10 years and 2 kids later she had had enough of him telling her what she could or couldn't do and divorced him. Nobody was actually surprised.

Not saying this will happen to you and perhaps this is a one off, but I would definitely nip this in the bud now, he has completely over-reacted here. YANBU

My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.........

He's been very clear on where he stands.

His reaction is waaaay over the top.