Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

But has OP ever told him that she won't smoke?
It sounds like they've missed out on a rather serious conversation here.

Ah, you must be the one from the thread about from the woman whose partner didn't want her to show even a small bit of cleavage

You're the one who takes controlling behavior and deny that it's controlling and instead just say it's about principles, morals and respect.

If a woman wears leggings and her partner asks her not to and she agrees then most likely she's agreeing because she fears the consequences if she doesn't.
If she then decides she's going to wear leggings again then she's just fighting back against that control.
She wouldn't be doing anything wrong, even if her controlling prick of a partner thought she was!

If he is so controlling that he has to "sniff" you when you walk in the house, how long before he is checking your messages, questioning your whereabouts and worse? He might not like the smell but he is totally overreacting. Get out of a relationship that has all the hallmarks of control

I think its a massive over reaction - you are both adults, he treated you like a child. I would have more of a problem with his attitude

I am genuinely very saddened that you think this is an example of mutual respect in a relationship. You are learning a difficult new skill and you should be able to rely on your partner to be supportive of this, even if your early attempts are inexpert and he occasionally needs earplugs or ear defenders. He is telling you that you can’t play, but through his behaviour rather than in so many words. ‘Pissy’? ‘Grumpy’? ‘Storming off’? He sounds fifteen years old. It is controlling and he is diminishing you. ‘Choosing to antagonise him’ is chilling. I’m so sorry.

She invited a friend to HER OWN home, the friend is an adult who has a right to smoke.
I think her partner is a controlling weirdo with some obsession.

Stockholm's syndrome is strong on the boards today.

Your partner sounds like a controlling arsehole tbh.
you had a few drags of a cig, outside your own home. Like really? And this is his reaction?

What a twat. If you started smoking, fair enough, he doesn’t want to be with a smoker. But he still doesn’t get to shout or be rude or tell you off like a child - he just has the choice to leave. To tell you off for a few drags?! That’s mad. He clearly feels some ownership over you. Absolutely not the man I’d be marrying.

I’d be leaving a couple of lines out in the bathroom, see how he liked that…

One of the quite outstanding things about this forum is how many self righteous women 'contribute' to the various threads.

They give me migraines as well, and I grew up in a house full with smokers, and I could not understand why they would want me to have migraines.

Even now, the same family members try and excuse their behaviour, like maybe you're just having a migraine because you've not drunk enough water, or they downplay the migraine to be a bad headache that just needs paracetamol.

I also have had pneumonia 5 times, consecutively year after year, and read that it can be linked to exposure as a child to second hand smoke.

I love these family members dearly and they love me and they show it through many of their actions, but you just can't make them see that what they're doing hurts you.

If I had a DP that smoked, I would leave them. And if I ever did anything that had a detrimental effect on someone else's health and they told me I would stop too.

I need more information on this one. My husband, who really loves me, shows it and is as loyal as they come also has a huge issue with smoking. He has also said that if I had smoked when I met him, he would never have been with me (I’d given up from 20-a-day 17-years before we met). I’m pretty certain he would kick-off, followed by sulking if I had a few drags now too. That said, he has OCD and that would feed into his response. His hatred for smoking stems from his childhood. From an early age, both his parents smoked in the car and refused to open a window when he requested it. So he had many long journeys throughout his childhood when he had to endure being clothed in cigarette smoke.

Does your husband have history associated with cigarettes/smoking that underpin his reaction @Loloj ?

Your DP needs to learn some social skills

YANBU - his reaction and refusal to talk to you the next day is absolutely terrible behaviour on his part. Some people couldn't be with a smoker, well I couldn't be with a stonewalling, childish, controlling man either. I'd pick the smoker.

Classic mnet thread full of holier than thou responses from the worlds most judgmental people yet the vote suggests theyre actually in the minority 😂😂😂

He is very clearly anti smoking. The fact that you 'went against' his strong beliefs has annoyed him greatly. He obviously thought the friend would 'encourage' you to go against his beliefs. When he was proved right he hit the roof.

I'm a former smoker. One of my bugbears in the end was the smell, as was the every increasing cost and health issues. Maybe your partner is concerned that you will start up again and burn a hole in the finances...or the sofa.

The fact he said he wouldn't be with you if you didn't smoke is something I can relate to. I will not go out with females that smoke. It may sound like pot calling the kettle black, but i've moved on from smoking and won't entertain it.

Me and my ex wife had stopped smoking at the same time (mutual decision) when we were together. I later found out she had been 'secretly' smoking a month or two later. Was I annoyed, yes, much like your partner.

I don't think your partner will change their stance regarding smoking. Unless you 'promise' to stop smoking (no crafty ones at the xmas party), there may be the secret smoking occasions.
Could you live with lying to your partner? Do you want to smoke on occasion?

If you both have such differing views, it may be time to move on. One day you would get caught out. No point creeping around having the odd drag forever. It is not the good basis for a relationship. Maybe find someone with less stringent views.

You either promise him to never again smoke or you do not. It is your life, but what means more to you, an occasional smoke or your partner.

I wouldn’t date a smoker

lots of people wouldn’t

I wouldn’t date an abuser like OPs partner. Think that’s the key issue here!

As much as I believe it is up to you, if you want to stink of vile cigarette smoke you can, but he did make it clear to you that he wouldn't be with you if you still socially smoked. So, I think he has the right to be annoyed, to be honest!

What paranoia?

As a smoker myself, his reaction was totally OTT. I get abhorbing smoke, the smell and the habit, I do. My friend is the same and when I'm at hers, I respect her rules about no smoke in the house. I go outside. She in turn respects my autonomy as an adult. But to wait there to sniff you out in front of your friend, kick off and go into a gigantic sulk afterwards is ridiculous. Pulling you to the side for a private chat about how much he dislikes it is once thing, but kicking off in front of guests, smelling you and clearly relishing this is just shocking behaviour. Is he often like this? Waiting to catch you out? He's not your dad, your not a minor, you are totally allowed go decide what you want to do and while he's totally allowed to decide this was an red line, but a reasonable response given its the first time would be to speak to you calmly and privately about it. I'd be kicking his ass to the curb for thinking he could treat me like this.

Yeah sounds OTT, it's your body and your mind, he doesn't own it

'females' that smoke. Women. Just say women. It won't hurt.

I think you have betrayed him big-time. You know his views which I actually agree with. The thing is apart from it stinking etc it’s SO bad for your lungs. You need lungs in order to live, they are made of delicate tissue. Why would you deliberately go out of your way to do them damage? Someone I loved very much had CF and they struggled to breathe on a daily basis. If you had lived with someone with that disease you would NEVER smoke. That person is no longer with us because their lungs finally gave up. Your friend is a fool to smoke. Smokers cost the NHS millions. Think on that and respect your partner’s point of view.