Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I hate the way he was almost smugly lurking, awaiting you to slip up. Then almost taking pleasure in chastising you for it.
I guess as a smoker I'm biased but for god's sake. You don't smoke! The stress of it all might make you start smoking something even stronger, lol.

I love that you are judgy about smokers yet reference gin in your username. You couldn't make it up.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if I didn't react so strongly to it physically (though I wouldn't choose to be with a smoker because waste of money and health reasons).

I think principle can be enough if it's against someone's values. I developed strong views about smoking even outside my physical reaction because I grew up in a household where my one parent smoker operated on the principle that 1. Can't afford food? Oh dear, still money for smokes! 2. Can't afford an infant car seat? Oh well, still money for smokes. That sort of thing. That's always seemed wrong to me and even as a child I noted that risking the life of a child in the car made the smokes more important than me. The parent said, "Oh, but it's an addiction." Couldn't help but feel that the life of his child in the car came behind servicing the addiction. As such, I don't have a lot of respect for smokers in general. Maybe it's not fair but it's how I feel.

LOL. You do have to be careful with usernames.

Then again I make jokes about coffee a lot, but I don't really have it that much.

I’m the worst kind of ex smoker who can’t stand the smell of smoke or the thought of cigarette ash anywhere. I have a friend who smokes and I do let her smoke on my balcony but really hate it. .The last time she was here I later discovered she’d used my glass tea light holder as an ash tray if I’m behind someone in the street smoking I have to hold my breath and dash past them. The smell genuinely makes me feel sick. It does stink when people come back in and for a while afterwards, as well as lingering on clothes. I remember the winter after I quit, digging out my winter coat and being absolutely horrified by the smell even after it had been in the cupboard for the best part of a year. Even hours after a cigarette, you can smell it on someone lying next to you because it sticks to hair.

I agree with a pp that he wouldn’t have had to get close to OP to smell it. I would’ve been able to smell it from another room. And from personal experience, a couple of drags of someone else’s fag can be a slippery slope into smoking again, even if you’ve managed it in the past. If OP were my partner I’d be very unhappy about it, but I’d have waited until her friend had gone home to talk about it. I think the way he handled it isn’t very nice but I do get where he’s coming from, since this is his understandable line in the sand which he made clear previously. In his shoes I’d feel like a few drags were more important to you than the relationship.

I'm with your partner. He has made it clear how much he hates smoking so for you to smoke when you are at home with him is pretty disrespectful. Personally, smoking at all now you are in a relationship with him is disrespectful.

My DH was a social smoker when we met and I hated it. He never (after 1 cigarette) smoked if I was out with him and when the smoking ban came in (which coincided with us getting new life insurance) decided he would stop smoking when out with just his mates as well as this was so few and far between.

Only once have I caught him smoking since then and I was furious and told him I would leave him if he did it again, and I mean it.

Over reaction from him and then moody sulking? I would be really ticked off with his reaction.

Mainly your gaslighting comment. Doing something someone doesn't agree with is not gaslighting, or almost gaslighting.

That’s a shame he’s a dick about you playing the violin, he should be supportive of you learning something new really.

So where does that end then?
If your partner dislikes you wearing tight leggings do you not wear them because that's basic respect?
Or if he doesn't want you to eat meat?
Or if he doesn't want you inviting your mother over for a cup of tea?
Or if he doesn't want you to watch reality shows?

Basic respect for your partner is not being a control freak who thinks that they get to dictate to your partner and expect them to follow your rules.

Exactly. Imagine if OP had said her partner insisted on her only ever eating healthy, low calorie food to stay in perfect shape and then “caught” her sharing a cupcake with her friend - oh, the betrayal!

Straw man arguments coming in thick and fast.

a decent spouse or partner wouldn’t invite a person over, let them smoke on the property, and then have them come inside the house.

Op is rude and then tries to pretend that the problem is that the person she shares a home with is upset by her lack of consideration.

Doing something to deliberately antagonise someone then accusing them of over-reacting and trying to make them doubt their own reaction IS a form of gas-lighting and has been highlighted in this very forum many many times.

She didn't do it to deliberately antagonise him though did she?

Agree with a previous poster that your comments are gaslighting.

OP had a couple of drags of a cigarette and you're now trying to spin it like she deliberately smoked only because she wanted to provoke a reaction from him.

Not liking something is not the same as something that people loathe to the point it antagonises them.

If a person loathed that many things I wouldn't be with them!

My partner also dislikes my piano playing, but I'm good at the piano, so although he's not going to sit and actively listen, he doesn't have a man sulk over it and go and hide in his man cave whilst ranting about the noise! 😂

Well spotted @MsLuxLisbon 🤣🤣🤣

FGS, you knew what I meant.

If wearing leggings antagonized their partner should they not wear them?

If eating meat antagonized their partner should they not eat meat? etc.

I wasn't talking about one partner loathing all of them either. They were examples.
You really are the master of twisting stuff on this thread!

Under these terms @Loloj would have to keep all her smoking and meat eating friends away in case they stink the house out.

No idea if her dp drinks, if he doesn’t they’d have to stay away too since a lot of alcohol especially red wine stinks the place out.

A lot of us wouldn’t have any friends left on that basis

And
Its OPs house!

Most people don't live to please their partners.

Even your violin example doesn't work because the same argument would be that OP could smoke when her DP is out. She doesn't do this. He has basically banned her from ever taking a drag on a cig ever, regardless of whether he's there, nearby, faraway etc.

There would be a difference here IF OP had sworn to him that she would never touch a cig again off her own back. Doesn't sound like she's ever made a promise or even an agreement that she won't smoke around him. She just doesn't smoke (through her own choice) but has very occasionally had the odd puff when she felt like it. Antagonising him would be smoking around him or talking about all the times she has smoked etc.

You had a couple of drags of a friends cigarette while having a drink.
Remarkably enough, regardless of anybody else's opinion, it's a legal activity which adults can partake in if they choose to.

The idea of a pouncing face sniffing and subsequently sulking partner is way more off-putting than a waft of cigarette smoke imo.

Partners dont own people.

This thread is nuts! OP , I’d think carefully before marrying this man. He sounds a nightmare.

It is nuts. The new puritanism, as it's been called.

It's about him having made his views clear about smoking though.

The wearing tights/leggings isn't the same.
Although if you dated a man who doesn't like them but decide you'll wear them anyway ≈ doesn't make sense.

Their values aren't aligned, where she thinks it's no big deal, he thinks it's a massive betrayal.
As much as OP is entitled to do as she chooses, so is he.

It's like someone who drinks too much in their partner's view, yet they don't feel they do.

I couldn't be with a heavy drinker, even if they functioned ok on it.

Or someone who's into betting, promises they won't do it again, but oops, just did it once, so isn't a big deal.....

Had an ex who loved flirting, even though he promised to stop, he carried on.
Felt a fool every time we were out and ended it eventually.
His reasoning being that it's in his nature and harmless.

His reaction was over the top but OP is minimising her actions.

It may not seem as serious to some, but it clearly is to him.

They shouldn't date him if they want to wear leggings and he's said he's not happy about it.
Not good to say they won't wear leggings but do and be surprised when the partner isn't happy.

His delivery was wrong, but it's his principles to choose to have.