Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I really don’t know why I smoked last night - but I feel it came more from a nostalgic place, drinking with an old friend - as opposed to any form of addiction.

Stop justifying it!! It was your choice to make. No excuses, explanations or justifications are needed here! Your sulky partner needs to grow up, chill out and stop being such a babyish twit about it!

I dont understand why you would have smoked anyway, seems odd to me

But the problem is its not just about you doing that, its about you bringing your smokey self back into the house, back into your sofa, bed, bathroom, all spaces which are shared.
I wouldnt really want someone visiting me smoking in the garden personally because its all over their clothes and then they sit down on my furnishings stinking the place up

Presumably that played a part in his reaction.

I dont blame him to be honest.

Ive been in a situation where I‘ve said to an ex at the very start of the relationship that I can’t be with you if you smoke. He swore he would quit. But he kept doing it.
We had some big arguments with me having a go at him about the broken trust and him saying I shouldn’t control him.

I would never comment on a guest smoking though.

His reaction is not normal or reasonable. A lot of pp's reactions are the same 🤨 smoking doesn't make you a bad person, it's not like you were smoking crack and cigarettes doesn't cause a change in behaviour like alcohol etc. I bet they drink but are less judgemental about that.

I never think of smoking anymore, but this thread hasn't half made me fancy a fag. Some of the best social times in my life were spent in pubs, at parties or around a campfire, sharing fags with other smokers.

I'd imagine they've talked about it loads as it's a sticking point for him.
Also on the day and he reluctantly accepted having the friend over, only to find out OP has smoked too.
We've all had arguments in the heat of the moment.

OP should have owned it, apologised then addressed how he spoke to her.

Two separate things.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere it sounds like the timing was a bit weird as OP's friend was staying Saturday night, partner was unexpectedly there and her partner had work the next day (yesterday) but hopefully they've had a chance to talk about it all now

Actually I do think cocaine use is just as bad as eg smoking but the big difference is cocaine is illegal and smoking isn’t. They’re both addictive substances though.

Like a few reformed party girls back in the day, yes I do think cocaine use is appalling, and I’m aware that I’m a bit of a hypocrite because back in the day we didn’t care and even joked about where it came from. As you age you either do it on birthdays or Christmas or you don’t do it at all, like me. In fact the people I do know now who do recreational drugs in their 40s/50s, they don’t care when they do it because “it’s only the odd occasion isn’t it and we get the pills etc checked don’t we? Not the coke though!”

I’ve seen enough people die young or 40s/50s and older get addicted to drugs and die of drug overdoses and they’re not even the people you’d say are proper druggies on crack or heroin which is probably why i’m so evangelical about addictions now.

In OP’s case though, her partner did overreact but as I said before I can see why he did it.

😂😂😂. This really is the thread that keeps on giving!

I love a good smoking thread. Brings out the anti smoking brigade in full force 😂

I smoke and have non smoking friends. They are perfectly fine with me smoking outside, then coming back in when I visit them. In fact they've usually set up something for me to use as an ashtray, like an old tin can! If they had an issue with it, they wouldn't keep inviting me.

If you're a smoker and going to have a few drinks, then yes you will want to smoke. OP's partner shouldn't have even been there that evening, he was meant to be elsewhere. Bad enough he gatecrashed OP's time with her friend but he had to get all judgy about it too.

If I had a partner who was having his friend round for the evening, when I was meant to be out. I wouldn't then hang around them being judgemental about what they were doing. I'd take myself off to our room and watch some TV or read.

I also agree. Ending a marriage over an occasional cigarette? Sounds crazily controlling to me, and I don’t even smoke!

Which comes down to trust. He'll be thinking if he wasn't there, OP would have smoked more and not mentioned it.

Like @Christy135's experience, it's about being lied to by someone you should trust.

They are engaged, so only normal to question if she'll start smoking again after theu get married.

If she knows she can't stop, then don't be woth someone who has issues with it.

Reminds me of the tattoo thread. People saying it's the person's right to do as they please. But we pick partners we share values with, it's not ok to undermine that.

I don't smoke but I have friends, family and neighbours who do. None of them have been disowned by friends or divorced over their 'habit', as some people on this thread have suggested they would do 😂. I have never ever come across anyone in real life who hasn't allowed someone to smoke in their garden either. Mumsnet is a weird place at times.

Smoking is a gross habit but of course your husband is massively overreacting to you taking a couple of drags on a cigarette.

If you were smoking regularly behind his back, yes, he would have cause to be upset. But not for this. He's being ridiculous.

I also think that it's massively inappropriate and a huge red flag that he kicked off like this in front of other people. He also has absolutely no right to be making snide comments about your friend's smoking; it's none of his business.

I would because every occasional smoke he has would give me a migraine. I don't know, maybe I'm allergic to it, but I can't handle it even stick to people. If he loved me why would he want to give me migraines? I know most people don't have such a strong reaction to smoke, obviously I'm coming from the pov of my own experience.

???

What's the issue? If your partner REALLY dislikes something then you just don't do it. It's basic respect for your partner.

If you CHOOSE to do something you know full well your partner dislikes then you can't really be surprised at such a reaction.

My DH HATES me playing the violin. I don't blame him - I'm a beginner and it's terrible. He hates it to the point of getting really pissy and grumpy if I play, then storms off to his man cave. So I only play when he is out. It's respect. He's not telling me I can't play - that would be controlling. I am just well aware he hates it, so if I choose to play within his earshot, then I'm choosing to antagonise him.

I only know one smoker. It drifts in the windows if they smoke in my garden and I get a migraine, so smoking takes place on the road outside the house. They could smoke at the back of the large garden but my kids play there, so no-one smokes out there. Even that smoker was forced to stop smoking when it caused serious medical issues, so now I don't know any smokers.

I don’t smoke, but several of the replies on this thread seem like something out of a parallel universe to me.
Someone having a cigarette outside means they would “stink the whole place out”? Or that they “betrayed trust”? So much drama.
I can’t imagine treating my partner like this or him being that controlling towards me.

Even though you know how he always kicks off and goes on about other people smoking? Come on, you can't be that surprised. Talk about own goal. You already know what he thinks about it. You already know how he reacts about people smoking. So you smoked on a fag and somehow expected a different reaction to the one you already know he always had.

Okay, I do understand it in your situation.
I wonder whether all the other people on here who criticise OP have similar issues though or whether they’re just doing it out of principle.

I personally don't smoke and don't mind dating or being with non smokers.

But, having said that, I'm dating right now, and if it was a smoker, I wouldn't date them, in general.

That comes from the days of dating in late 80s/early 90s and I had one boyfriend (still a friend now) who smoked when we ate and blew smoke in my face. We had one small argument about this, as I found it disrespectful of him to do this, whilst I was eating. I didn't mind him smoking otherwise though. But that was then and this is now, smokers are now pariahs generally and can't smoke in pubs and other venues. I do feel sorry for them in some cases because smoking is a choice they make, but it's not one I made, personally.

He sounds insufferably pompous. A sanctimonious, self-important little pillock. Is hoofing him the fuck out an option you'd consider? That way you'd be able to make your own adult choices without having to face the third degree 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep, this exactly. It’s funny how people will overlook and sympathise with abuse when it conflicts with their own personal dislikes. She didn’t ask for everyone to berate her for smoking and tell her how much they detest it. She’s asking for what should be an impartial view about his behaviour which is abhorrent. There are ways of communicating properly and respectfully without being controlling and abusive just because you actively dislike like something and nothing excuses that sort of behaviour. She had a couple of drags on a cigarette. That doesn’t make her an “active smoker” or a liar. Just because you don’t smoke, it doesn’t mean you have to be anti smoking and treat everyone who does with venom and like they’re a criminal. If you genuinely believe you are morally superior because you don’t smoke and think you can talk down to people who have an active addiction then you’re an emotionally weak moron. I don’t smoke as I’ve said in my own pp but I don’t judge people who do because I’m not a total wanker. Yes, he has the right to not be with her, he doesn’t have the right to treat her like a second class citizen in her own home. If he can’t abide the smell and believes it’s that disgusting then he can move out, find his own place and live in a completely smoke free bubble. I would bet my life this is far more to do with control than it is about smoking.

Well, I think it could be seen as a question of trust - or a wish to control the other person.
I just can’t imagine setting such rules for my partner.
I can’t imagine telling them I didn’t like people smoking/ drinking alcohol and then expecting them to never ever have cigarette/ the odd drink.
They couldn’t “betray my trust” because I wouldn’t be making such demands in the first place.
I’m obviously not talking about serious addiction, but it doesn’t sound to me like the OP was addicted to cigarettes.