Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Quite. I could count the number of times I've smoked on one hand and it's always been social. Doesn't make me a smoker!

As a one off, I wouldn't end a relationship over it, but you do know how he feels about it. Smokers in the house stink, even if they smoke outside, and that smell transfers to the furniture. Even the smell gives me a headache. I'm really sensitive to it, so I understand why your husband hates it so much.

If my DH did this, he'd not be sleeping next to me that night. I couldn't stand the smell. I couldn't kiss him until the smell had faded off his breath. I wouldn't be friends with someone who smoked around me. I'm quite chemically sensitive and it would give me a headache.

I have one family member who smokes and they have to smoke well away from the house. I'm actually glad they don't visit often but find them much nicer to have around now that a medical condition related to smoking has forced them to quit. They aren't disrupting social time by going in and out and I don't have to smell them.

So I think you're both right. Your DH did overreact but I'm on his side about the issue in general.

Inactivity is as bad as smoking.
Obesity is worse than smoking I believe.

Over the top for your partner - bit whatever for you - it's a one - off

I think the smell of cider is disgusting. I wouldn't have the right to treat my partner like he was a disgusting leper if he had a few sips of cider.

A one off "few sips of cider" doesn't linger on your clothes and your hair like a one off few puffs of smoke does.

I think the smell of cider is disgusting. I wouldn't have the right to treat my partner like he was a disgusting leper if he had a few sips of cider.

Unless you're bathing yourself and your clothes in cider, it won't linger and get on your clothes like cigarette smoke.

Not the same thing at all.

I'm very sensitive to the smell of it, if someone is drinking it at the table I can smell it. I still wouldn't think I had the right to go on like that treating my partner like he was a leper and try to shame him and scold him. I'm not suddenly going to turn abusive just because there's a smell I don't like.

True.
Obesity and excess body fat cause more deaths in the UK than smoking. Figures since 2014 to date
They also cost the nhs more in long term health issues and the tax payer more in disability benefits and loss of earnings.

It’s the all round UK bad boy.

Some of the comments on here are worrying - is it acceptable to disrespect a partner and behave in a controlling manner as long as it relates to something you disapprove of?
I’m wondering if some of the posters with this opinion feel so strongly about other decisions. Or is controlling behaviour only acceptable sometimes?
Some posters are missing the OP’s point completely.

It definitely seems that way doesn’t it!
Its ok to be controlling and abusive if you agree with the reason for being controlling and abusive.
Think some people just don’t get it!!!

Some of these posts are so over the top, you would think she was in the garden smoking weed or snorting cocaine or doing crack. A few puffs and people saying the relationship would be over. He is controlling and over reacted, why could he not talk normal to her. More things in life to worry about. What about all the people who get pissed all the time. That is more worrying than a few puffs of a cig.

Yeah, also this
You reached out for a drag, even though you say it was only "for one "
Maybe he's just worried it could turn into more?

There's also no such thing as 'second hand cider'.

They were smoking outside so he should be safe enough.

Oh but what of the chemicals that linger that he might breath in you ask? Well I'm sure he's breathing in plenty of other toxic shit too and doesn't care about that

And there is a thing called second hand drinking 🤓

Bizarrely the posts about people who do cocaine don't tend to inspire such disgust.

There's lots of "it's not a big deal, everyone does it, i'd be partial to a line or 2 if it's on offer, wouldn't bother me" posts.

There are of course people who are very against it (like me) and detail our experiences with cocaine users and some of the likely problematic behaviour that can coincide with it, but on a whole cocaine users aren't made out to be anywhere near as disgusting as people who might have an occasional cigarette.

Most people would like to minimise the toxic stuff they have control over. Not that he has control over what OP does, but he has control over whether he chooses to be around it.

Didn't your health visitor talk to you about third hand smoke too? Haven't heard of second hand drinking, unless you're a baby in the womb.

Bottom line is that OP gets to decide what she does, he gets to choose if that's a relationship deal breaker for him.

Off to google what second hand drinking is. OKay, know what it is now, though it was guessable. Wouldn't choose to be around that either.

Except most don't minimise it do they? Go into any home and normally what you smell is artificial fragrances because people love that stuff even though it's toxic.

Scented candles, fabric conditioner, air freshener, incense etc.
Now they might be nice smells so that's seen as more ok than smoking but it's not true to say that most minimise the toxic stuff they have control over because most definitely do not.

They're just a few household smells, there's also all the car air fresheners, the fragrances in everything that people put on their body etc. and that's just smells, look at what a lot of people eat and drink etc. People sometimes fixate on one or two things that they don't think are healthy and they avoid those even though the rest of what they're eating, drinking, putting on their body and in their home is toxic also.

I completely 100% agree that he gets to decide if it's a dealbreaker for him, except a dealbreaker should mean you leave though right? because it seems a lot of people think that 'dealbreakers' are things that if your partner doesn't follow you get to berate them and give out and complain and treat them like shit over and then if you stay and they do it again you have the right to criticize and complain again.

For me if I were the OP I would tell him that if I wanted to socially smoke very occasionally I would be doing so, and I would not tolerate him speaking to me like that if I did and I would mean it. So it would then be his choice whether he stays or not.

I think you have different values. It's going to be tricky. He made it absolutely clear what he thinks about smoking beforehand. You ignored that. He may have responded inappropriately but it's all a symptom of a mismatch.

Yeah, this too - if your partner's having an old friend round and you weren't going to be in originally, wouldn't you make yourself scarce so they could have a proper catch up? Not gatecrash and make snarky comments all evening.

The more I think about this, the more concerning it is that he gatecrashed their evening. He knows the friend smokes. He wasn't meant to be there. He CHOSE to stay, knowing it's less fun for two of friends to meet with a partner there, and subject himself to the horror of the friend's smoking. If his reaction to smoking is so visceral that he has to abuse his partner, then why the hell didn't he go out like he was meant to? Go and see a mate, even just go elsewhere in the house and let the two friends talk properly. I'd be concerned that he's trying to isolate OP.

Fair point about people selectively choosing what they think is toxic. Fortunately for me and my friends and associates, we don't use any of the things you list. I do sometimes burn the occasional essential oil, but it's the real high quality stuff that's pure oil.

I agree with your last paragraph. Whether that would be a deal breaker for me would depend on how often 'occasionally' is. If the smokes are more important than our relationship anyway, I'd prefer to know that, as I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I ranked below a ciggie.

Out of curiosity, if the house blonged to him and OP lived with him, would it also not be 'her house' - or do you see partners in this setup having the same rights as lodgers/tenants if not less?

Not read all the posts but am a bit shocked at the anti smoking strength of feeling. I have never smoked and don't really understand the appeal but I have never thought of it in such negative terms as people here and the OP's partner. I tend to have sympathy for people who have addictions.

OP I think this thread might provide you with some insight into why your DP reacted in the way they did but don't assume this is the most reasonable of reactions. There are probably reasons behind the strength of feeling that if you knew you might have sympathy for. Perhaps it's intense concern for you, I don't know. I would find his reaction difficult to live with as it feels very controlling. Try and talk to him and see if you can understand why he reacted like he did but be prepared for a lack of clarity. Good luck.