Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Agree lots of overly dramatic and aggressive posters out tonight.
Is it a full moon?

Yeah I am a nightmare you are so observant tonight.

I know @Ohlookwhoitis
🤣🤣🤣🤣
it really is getting a little too late for some 🤪to be up.

That’s not gaslighting

YABU - Its a nasty filthy habit. You knew how he felt, he was honest, and you are somehow shocked at his reaction.

This is batshit cos her partner is abusive and it’s being ignored because it’s smoking

im off to read something else now

I don’t like that he crashed your plans with your friend, I know he lives there but does he not have friends of his own he could have gone to see?

im always a bit disappointed if I go to visit a mate and their partner is hanging around, means we can’t talk as openly or be as raucously hilarious.

I wouldn’t put up with this abysmally controlling behaviour.
Its your house OP, I’d be asking him to leave.

He’s a manipulative bully.

Lots of ‘completely missing the point’ posts on here. The point is you are with a bully…….move him out so you can move on because his behaviour towards you will grind you down, slowly eeking away at your very being. Ten years down the line you’ll be a shadow of yourself and you won’t even realise it’s happening.

Honestly...a few puffs on a ciggie once every couple of years and people are talking of ending marriages and their houses 'were never the same'. I just don't get it.

Clearly MNs think women are allowed to be abused sometimes.

Me neither
But
I’d be throwing the abusive little piece of s… out tbh honest but thats because I can multitask and see past the smoke for the bully that her fiancé is.

Which is the glaringly obvious point here

👏👏👏👏
exactly

I can’t believe how many of you think it’s a perfectly reasonable, proportionate reaction for someone to tell off their partner in front of their friend like a small child.

I wonder if it is because your partners do it to you, in which case you have my sympathy, or if it is because you do it to others, in which case you do not.

Good point!

I'm afraid i would be fuming too, it's a disgusting, smelly habit, not to mention bad for your health
I also have to say if my husband wanted to go back to smoking he'd have to make a choice between it and me.

I totally agree. I am disturbed that people are so happy to excuse him.

Would you humiliate your DH and friend if they smoked? Would you ignore him the next day? The OP doesn't want to go back to smoking.

YANBU and I find his reaction controlling and I find it a bit abusive. He doesn’t want to be with a smoker and that’s fair enough, well having a drag once in a blue moon does not a smoker make. How dare he scold you.

OP, you only had a few drags on a fag, not like you came home high on coke and knickerless.

Sorry, what? “It’s an addiction” she “can never beat” because she’s “weak”?

She said in her OP “I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink.”

That’s what I used to do too when I was younger, and never in a million years would I consider myself a smoker! I haven’t smoked in 20 years.

I bet this would have had a completely different voting outcome if it hadn’t been over smoking.

If you used to drink socially but gave up because your partner didn’t like it but then had a few sips of a glass of wine with your friend and he’d reacted in this way then most people would have voted your partner was being completely unreasonable.

Alcohol is a drug like tobacco and equally (if not more) dangerous. It also has more of an affect on people who stay sober when another drinks as their personality changes and they also smell of alcohol. If you are going outside to smoke you aren’t inflicting it on your partner and he probably wouldn’t have known if he wasn’t actively looking for proof.

I had an ex who didn’t like me drinking because his ex cheated on him when she was drunk, he used to beg me not to drink when I went on nights of with friends and refused any alcohol in the house.
I was just a social drinker on nights out or going to a friends for a few glasses of wine, I felt like he always trying to catch me out by going to give me a kiss when I came in to smell my breath or quizzing friends about what I’d been drinking after nights out.

I went to my grandparents and my grandad always gave me a can of lager and we’d have a drink and a chat together, he loved the company and it was special for both of us. One day he gave me a can to take home and I put it in my bag and forgot about it.
My ex found it and said I was disgusting and I’d betrayed him, it made me feel like a naughty child being caught out misbehaving.

It’s up to your partner if he doesn’t want to smoke and understandable if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes, I think he has massively overreacted to you having a few drags of a cigarette though - and not even in front of him!
He could have easily let it go then if you carried on smoking he might have had a good reason to tell you he wasn’t happy.
I also think his comments towards your friend were completely out of order, I have noticed some people feel superior to people who smoke and vape and like to make it known. They probably don’t realise that they also make life choices that others disagree with but maybe aren’t as commonly unaccepted as smoking.

If this is a one off argument and he’s great in every other way then I’d just tell him to get off his high horse and point out that you aren’t going to start full time smoking and he’s making a big deal out of a small issue.
If he is controlling in other ways and doesn’t like you doing anything he disapproves of and often speaks to you like a child in front of other people then I’d maybe reevaluate the relationship.

You have only given us a tiny snapshot of your life together that just happens to be a negative one, it’s impossible to gauge what sort of relationship you have. If you are both happy the majority of the time then it’s not worth dwelling on this.

Would you think it reasonable if I shouted at my Husband and his friend if they cooked fish on our shared property? Because honestly, I would rather sit with 5 smokers than be in an enclosed environment with somebody who had eaten fish. It makes me want to heave to the point I have to suppress it. My husband knows this.

I suppose the equivalent is my husband having a friend over who only ate fish, so they BBQ'd it outside and my husband had a bite of the fish. I then shouted and humiliated him in front of his friend and told him that him eating fish was a deal breaker and that he had betrayed me when he knew I had such a visceral repulsion to the smell of it.

.. Or would you think I was controlling?

His reaction sounds like someone who's been lied to before or seen a parent/friend steuggle with addiction.
Might not be but it's something that triggered him.
He's told you he hates smoking, you and your friend were disrespectful to be in and out as smoke would be wafting in too.

He's trusted you and you broke his trust.
Instead of turning it round on him, apologise and own your part.

Well, it's not as if you'd started smoking a pipe!

He's totally overreacting. Yes, you knew he hates smoking and you still did it but his behaviour in front of guests was so over-the-top as to be ridiculous.

His behaviour seems very controlling - I'd be a bit concerned about that.

Alcohol consumption is not particularly lower in France than in Britain, and some sources have it higher in France per capita.

https://www.euronews.com/health/2024/04/14/dry-january-where-in-europe-is-drinking-alcohol-getting-worse-and-which-countries-have-cut#:~:text=On%20average%2C%20EU%20citizens%20consumed,9.7%20litres%20in%20the%20UK.