Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Smoking is minging and smelly and way out of date now. It's not cool, and fashionable to smoke anymore. And I don't get why people do it. I think people look a bit daft smoking now, and they look like muppets when they are sucking on a vape.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of people I know who smoke, and they are 2 neighbours in my road, and 2 of DH's work colleagues. All 40 to 55 years old. My 2 adult DD (in their 20s,) have about 35 friends between them - yes really - and not ONE of them smokes. IME, in this day and age, people with higher education/higher intellect are less likely to smoke, than people with less education and a lower intellect.

BUT @Loloj your DP's reaction was ludicrous and very red-flaggy. I think I would be reviewing the situation now, and wondering whether to continue the relationship with him. He sounds horrible frankly. I would be walking on eggshells around him forevermore. Don't smoke again though. You're better than that!

He told you he wouldn't still be with you if you were a social smoker now.
Then you go and smoke.
Message you've given him? You don't want him.

Have to agree smoking when drinking makes you a smoker.
If you only do it when you're drinking, it still makes you a smoker!

Or "don't tell me what to do, you control freak" Ever considered that?

Perhaps HIS controlling behaviour is generating an unconscious rebellious response? It certainly would with me and a lot of people.

@SabreIsMyFave
Smoking is minging and smelly and way out of date now. It's not cool, and fashionable to smoke anymore. And I don't get why people do it. I think people look a bit daft smoking now, and they look like muppets when they are sucking on a vape

I was somewhere with a bunch of friends I haven't seen for ages who all smoke recently, 20 years ago they were in the pub smoking cigarettes which was totally disgusting back then, but now they were all clamping down on bits of metal and smelled of chemical raspberries or candy floss etc, was totally bizarre 😁

Tricky. I’m v glad none of our friends are smokers otherwise yes, I probably would have to not invite them here. Even if they smoke outside, I just find the smell permeates sofas and beds and stays around for ages. I’m guessing your DP was really strung out by it and possibly triggered, if there’s background to it as you say. So he’s flipped, basically. Honestly, this one is on you OP.

This thread is absolutely insane.

OF COURSE the fact that you had a few drags of a cigarette as a one off doesn't make you "a smoker" again. That sort of thinking is in fact really unhelpful to people who are trying to quit any form of addiction.

For example, I am sober. But if for whatever reason I lapsed and had a glass of wine in a situation of stress, or impulsively at an event, or whatever - how unhelpful would it be if at that point I just went "oh well, that's all those years of sobriety down the drain - I am a drinker again now....."

Of course not. I am at that point a sober person who has had one drink. The second drink remains just as big and important a decision as the first.....

Lapses are a common and understandable part of the path to being addiction-free, for a massive number of people. And they can in fact be helpful as long as you learn from them. Whereas an all or nothing attitude can be extremely damaging to motivation.

He did over react and him commenting on friends smoking sounds really annoying. However, it does sound like he has previously expressed that being a social smoker is a delabrekaer and he would not be in a relationship with someone who does it

OP, I read an update where you’ve expanded on his behaviour and explained more.
Less angry but more passive aggressive doesn’t make it okay, either.

I lived a really long time ( which may be colouring my perspective for sure) with a man like this. I too poked fun at the particular things he got on particular moral high horses for in the early days . He got more things he hated over the years.
If you can nip this type behaviour totally out between you, I would try to. I went the other route of allowing myself to be shamed repeatedly. It’s unfortunate smoking is the cause because it does weaken your argument. But the way he reacted is not good and that’s the point.

My dh had your attitude when we first got together. I abhore smoking, i would never be with a smoker, its a complete deal breaker. We had a similar scenario a year or so in and i was ready to end the relationship. From my point of view, id always been clear that this was a major red line and was a complete breach of trust. He has never smoked since and we are now married.

YABU

😆

The drama....

I am kinda with you here, and smoking would be a dealbreaker for me too. But I think it's the way the OP's partner spoke to her in front of her friends that is the problem.

AND your partner's behaviour is extremely controlling. I'm quite alarmed by those of you who think it's acceptable - do you genuinely police your partner's choices like this?

If OP had issues with alcohol, yet had had a drink, or if she had narcotics issues and had done a line of coke, say, I would have more sympathy for him. Coke and alcohol are significantly mood altering substances that can provoke aggressive or extreme risk taking behaviour, and it is reasonable to put down very hard boundaries about a partner using them.

To put it crudely, nobody ever beat up their partner because they'd had one too many fags. OP's smoking does not impact on him, unless she were buying fags with his money, or chaining in a small enclosed space he could not easily escape such as the family car.

It's like shouting at somebody because they eat too much chocolate. And nobody on here would respect a partner's right to do that. I would fucking hope......

You shouldn't have smoked but he massively over-reacted.

He completely over reacted, I’ve been known to have a drag or 2 when I’ve had a few, and if I had had a partner acting like that, it would make me question the relationship.

You are your own person who is capable of making your own decisions. He is your fiancé not your keeper. You haven’t ‘broken his trust’ and he’s being completely pathetic in saying you have. A few drags on a fag doesn’t warrant his total overreaction!
He may disagree with smoking and that’s his opinion, however it doesn’t mean he can enforce his views on you and nor should he want to. The fact he came straight up to your face to see if he could smell smoke is quite concerning. He’s not your dad! His whole reaction to something so insignificant and the way he has treated you since would give me the major ick!!

Smoking and cigarettes are completely different substances, with completely different impacts. Alcohol makes people violent, impulsive, irrational, disinhibited, etc etc etc. If you have lived with a drunk you will know this.

Cigarettes just don't carry the same risk. Not remotely. It's insane to compare the two.

Would you believe it was acceptable to yell at someone who used to have an addiction to caffeine and had quit, then had a cup of coffee? Probably not... That's a much better parallel to smoking than booze is.

And it's also an extremely damaging myth that someone who previously had issues with alcohol and is now sober (who may or may not define themselves as an "alcoholic" still) and who had one drink, would suddenly be right back where they started. The problem with that way of thinking is that it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I can't say this often enough or strongly enough.

Total abstinence is definitely the way to go , with regards to alcohol, BUT having one drink doesn't mean you're totally fucked. You tip the rest of the bottle away, pull yourself together, give thought to why you lapsed, maybe speak to your support about it, but you haven't fucked up and ruined everything and there is absolutely no need for despair! It is so important that people hear this.

Agree.
How dare your dp treat you like that. Smelling you !!….Its so incredibly rude, it’s demeaning and it’s controlling.
I wouldn’t put up with that from anyone, how disgusting.

Agree a lot on here are spectacularly missing the point OP.

It's completely different FFS. What is wrong with you?

I kind of see where your coming from if it was anything else, but id consider my husband smoking to be not too far off cheating. If i just found out he had cheated on me, i certainly wouldnt be interested in keeping up appearances for the sake of his friend so id probably be pretty much the same for smoking.

@DiamondArtists what a load of bollocks

You're calling the OP a liar?

Is any of this relevant.!!!
Are MNs missing the controlling behaviour of a man towards or woman.
Or is that OK sometimes.

Helloo!! To those at the back!

Its a shame you bring home a friend who is smoking while at your home, outside or in.