Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

Do you not worry OP that you could start to smoke again given you reached for a drag when stressed?

It doesn't sound as if you have seen the light and become anti smoking.

Wow, so his completely ott finger wagging and tutting about your friend smoking in the garden took place when it’s not even his house? Yikes, what a controlling arsehole.

OP is in denial. If you smoke you are a smoker, regardless of how infrequently.

What a bunch of sanctimonious fuckers we have here!

We know smoking is bad, we know it smells... That's a given.

The reaction from the DP was brutal, particularly in front of guests. Perhaps a conversation as a couple alone after people had left would suffice.

If this was booze, how would you feel @Loloj if you lived with an alcoholic who drank a friend's booze despite being 'off booze' for 2 years?

This is no different.

Both are addictions and you don't seem to see the slippery slope.

Voted YANBU as he was OTT in front of company.
I don’t like smoking either, but wouldn’t act like that.

Aren’t they just @CitizenZ, imagine being that uptight, must be exhausting!

Thanks - I do get that.

In all honesty though I really don’t feel I was ever truly addicted. Even in my younger years I only ever had a cigarette with alcohol and I could go for weeks without one. I get that some people are different and get addicted very easily but I’ve never experienced that.

I really don’t know why I smoked last night - but I feel it came more from a nostalgic place, drinking with an old friend - as opposed to any form of addiction.

So it’s ok for him to berate, bully her then stomp and go in the huff mmm would that be ok for your partner to do to you for a minor infraction. No it’s being an adult and discussing it all neutrally.

for the record it was a ONE OFF so no spiralling involved ffs

No I honestly don’t because I’ve never in my life reached for a cigarette when feeling stressed.

You are definitely NBU and people are being way OTT about you having a couple of drags on a cigarette. He sounds like an irritating, nit-picking, sanctimonious little prick. If you marry him look forward to more of the same for the next god knows how many years. I'm sure even if you never have another drag of a ciggie again he'll find something else to get on his high horse about. That sort of person always does.

( haven’t read full thread)

OK.
Yes, smoking is evil, smells blah blah blah blah.
Everyone’s got the message about that and everyone’s virtue signalled enough. And yes I’m a reformed smoker of several years.

I don’t care what OP was doing. I don’t care if she knew he hated smoking. I mean I hate the smell of rum passionately, but I’m NOT going to get in someone’s face with such self-righteous , vicious performative anger ever.

No one should be like the OP’s partner over a few drags of a cigarette. He is totally over reacting. Sure the OP can mea culpa herself away ( because the fact that it’s smoking has blinded half the posters on here), but that is totally not okay. If she does, I bet he keeps punishing her for weeks about this “lapse” “ her betrayal” . She will now never hear the end of it. Over the top.
And you know, if you have kids? They can stuff up too. Is this going to be his reaction should a hypothetical kid toke on a joint perhaps? It’s almost a guaranteed way of making a teen ark up and dive right in to the activity being shrieked about.
What else does he “hate” and intend to bully everyone into accepting his opinion on? What will he COME to hate over the years and will he think it’s okay to be like this?
Yes, smoking is all the bad things. But hoo boy - that’s a psycho reaction to take out in public for a walk , and to continue with the dramatic glares the next day? I can respect his opinion about smoking, but not his manner of delivering it on this occasion at all.

Massive overreaction and money on it, he’ll not shut up about this for weeks if you let this behaviour fly, and will beat you with it like a metaphorical stick.

YANBU. He sounds ridiculously sanctimonious.

Sorry haven't rtft just want to say please, please, please for your own sake don't smoke ever again, not even one drag. I know from years of bitter experience (in the past, thankfully) that if someone was a regular smoker - which the vast majority of smokers are - you CANNOT become a social smoker. It is so easy to slip back into the addiction, you think you can choose to have the odd fag and you are in total control but very quickly the addiction is controlling you again.
The longer you don't smoke, the less appealing smoking is. I've now done 11 years and truly NEVER miss it anymore, I haven't done for years. At first its awful, and then the first few years you do get the odd craving but it gets easier over time. I realised a while back I don't even like the smell of smoke anymore. I used to smoke 15-20 a day and within 10 mins of waking. I never believed I could live without cigs long term and must have stopped and started 30+ times. I once did a year no nicotine and stupidly slipped back into the habit after a year, that was about 30 years ago.

If you've never been a smoker yourself, this type of comment is beyond ignorant. I have. It's not actually heroin, whatever you've been told. It CAN be very hard to give up, yes. But it is entirely possible. No, we are not "addicted for life", that's misinformation.

I was a heavy smoker for years. YEARS. From my teens until my mid 30s. Then I stopped, cold turkey. Never smoked again. No desire to. Can see other people smoking and have them near me; still no desire to. Zero cravings. Smell yucks me out and it amazes me I used to do it. I'd advocate anyone stopping. I still wouldn't be a controlling loon regarding what other people do, and certainly not if someone had ONE puff.

Honestly, get a grip, some of you. Some of the attitudes on this thread are laughable. The bigger issue is the controlling behaviour.

YABU. Smoking smells absolutely foul. I very much doubt he had to come that close in your face to smell it, because the stench is palpable from some distance. Total ick time.

YANBU, and I say this as someone who has never smoked and cannot stand it.
So you took a one off drag? If that's honestly all it is, YANBU.
I'd be on his side if you did start doing it more though, as it's something I hate.

I completely understand your partner's reaction, smoking is completely disgusting and vile.

As do a great many on this thread.

Unbearable. I honestly can't imagine finding someone that sanctimonious remotely attractive. Instant turn off.

Seriously, get a grip.

Presumably he's not dating / living with the "big strong men" who are smoking?!
Not comparable and I say this as someone completely anti smoking

Sounds like he did his very best to make your friend uncomfortable and to ruin your night with your friend. In your own house as well. I would honestly lose my shit if my husband behaved like that. What is he like when other friends come to visit? Makes me wonder whether the smoking is actually an excuse and he's trying to make it so you don't invite your friends around. Such a huge overreaction

Ahahahahahahaha. Absolutely.

You’re using pejorative language and notions of abstinence or nothing
op had a puff,she decides of that makes her a smoker. NOT you or him
Actual issue is his overbearing bullying & disapproval for a minor act

OP is no more a smoker than I am a vegetarian when I have a salad. Wise up.