Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I think your friends are exceptionally rude to smoke around non smokers, especially in their home environment It is totally anti social to pop out into someone's garden to smoke.
You obviously want a drag. It may have been a subconscious desire to annoy him as you thought he was rude to your guests.

He seems to have gone over the top.

Maybe you are both re-evaluating your relationship but not admitting it.

Poor show by all involved including your guests.

Probably not calling OP a liar just another missing the entire point of the thread.

Whatever happened to English comprehension…….🥲

This is insane, i used to have the odd one and may well again and yes it does smell as does alcohol and coffee smells like dog shit.

Parents also can't control grown adults smoking either.

Absolute control freak wierdo.

Smokers/ex-smokers really can't win can they? Mocked for smoking then mocked for changing to vaping. What's bizarre about it? I assume you've seen vapes before, they've been around for years now.

So funny.

I’m sorry @Loloj but if you can willingly have a ‘few drags’ of a cigarette then that does make you a smoker , particularly to someone who is vehemently anti smoking .

Ah here, 😂😂😂the fucking drama over a few puffs.

No no no, I agree. I have said in my posts that the red flags are there and I would be questioning the relationship now. The OP's partner's behaviour (especially in front of their friends) was awful! Very controlling and weird. Many posters are agreeing that the partner was unreasonable.

We are still allowed to think smoking is foul and smelly though. And that people look a bit daft smoking now, and it no longer looks 'cool.'

Vapes are just as bad if not worse than smoking as you’re still getting the nicotine hit but with the flavoured taste and smell. You fool yourself you’re giving up but I know people who are now addicted to vaping not fags.

I’ve never smoked. I wanted to smoke when I was a teenager but couldn’t do it and I tried a few times. That’s not to say I wasn’t addicted to other stuff.

However, if you see your nana at 90 gasping for breath on an oxygen tank after years of smoking and you’ve seen your brother as a child almost die twice of an asthma attack, again, cigarette smoke was very bad for him but he was allergic to lots of things, then I personally think smoking and vaping should be strictly controlled and vapes banned - there’s new regulation coming in on them too and about time. Don’t even get me started on alcohol and how seemingly half of sainsburys has been turned over to alcohol aisles. I’m not a killjoy but when your dad dies at 50 after being an alcoholic for most of his adult life and one of DB’s friends dies a year before 50 in agony after having part of his liver removed and being an alcoholic most of his adult life then you’d find it hard to joke about an adult woman smoker finding she has to have a sneaky fag with her old mate and thinks she’s not still a social smoker.

Yes I think her partner was unreasonable but I think he does have a point. Didn’t put it across well though.

I wish people would stop with the misinformation regarding vapes. Read the first line from the NHS here.

https://www.nhs.uk/better-health/quit-smoking/vaping-to-quit-smoking/

Yet the small of alcohol on people or meat 🤮. Think a lot of people haven’t got a clue how much they smell of stuff that most consider perfectly acceptable. It really isn’t.

You be you OP, your do is a bully. Don’t be bullied by anyone, ever!

id consider my husband smoking to be not too far off cheating
🤣🤣 I've heard it all now. Some of the replies on this thread are batshit

on a scale of what is unacceptable I think as a one off is not much to faff about

its not cheating/stealing/gambling…some heinous crime

the reaction seems over the top

Its not class A drugs

is it like living with a vegetarian and then eating meat when you said you wouldn’t? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep. A lot of weirdos on the thread as well.

Don’t worry.
Comment not for you
It was a general comment for a lot on here but tagged onto the running thread for Goodafternoon full name too long to remember.

😂It's absolutely insane isn't it? Imagine having to live with some of these uptight people? Guaranteed I'll get a reply about "It's better than living with a smelly smoker"...even though I'm a non smoker.

I’m in 2 minds about it really.

You know he despises smoking, so it was a bit of an odd choice to take a drag.

I absolutely can’t stand smoking so I think I would be pissed off if I had to get into bed with someone who’d been smoking or kiss them etc. I’m sure the smoky smell would linger in your hair and it would be in the bedroom.

it’s difficult to know whether he’s really controlling and antisocial, or whether he is responding reasonably to something he’s been very clear about despising.

unless he has been an unreasonable shitbag on previous occasions in relation to other issues, I think I’d be on his side for this one.

Vapes may be a good way to quit smoking yeah, but no-one knows the long term effects of them. And SOME people just start vaping, without even smoking first. Why? (And they carry on vaping and don't stop! The idea of vapes was to help quit smoking. Replace ciggies with vapes for a while and then stop the vapes!)

IMO, anyone who starts vaping, is as much of an idiot as someone who starts smoking. And anyone who starts vaping to quit smoking and carries on vaping is not very bright either.

Can’t believe the black and white thinking of some posters on here - having a few drags of a cigarette does not make the OP a smoker!

You didn't actually comment on the misinformation that the PP was pedalling. What does the first line say? Did you read it?

It kind of does.

I’m struggling to understand why a friend smoking in the garden is a problem.
People invite their friends over for drinks and a bbq all the time and tha5 really stinks, or is that not allowed either.
What are friends allowed to do in the garden, drink herbal tea!

I invite friends over because I want to see them, not judge them. Better a good friend than a sanctimonious one!

Agree with others about the stink of cooked meat on people 🤮🤣🤮🤣little do they all know!
Someone mentioned red wine too and these days that does make me wretch as well.

More relevant to the thread.
Your partner is a bully, walk away. He sounds truly awful.

That is very controlling behaviour from your DP I think. I'd be questioning the relationship with him behaving like that.

I am glad that the OP seems to have her head screwed on because I am genuinely horrified by the number of posters defending her DP’s behaviour. It was a completely unacceptable overreaction to give her a dressing-down in front of her friend like she was a naughty child, and then to sulk conspicuously. If he wanted to address the issue he should have spoken to her calmly and privately.

I hope your talk has gone well this evening, @Loloj. There would be a lot riding on that conversation, and his behaviour in it, for me.

Agree.
I couldn’t put up with being treated like a naughty school kid.
For me that behaviour would be a complete deal breaker