Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I think you ought to be careful @Loloj His reaction is wildly controlling and punishing.

His behaviour is far far more toxic than a few puffs of a cigarette.

Exactly this !!

Can't actually believe some of the responses on here. Are people seriously this judgemental over a cigarette ?

Of course he is bring unreasonable. That's a massive overreaction.

It’s disgusting, it stinks, I have to wash my clothes after being at a smokers house - even if they smoke outside.

DH used to smoke on holiday only but stopped when I made it clear I wasn’t signing up for that.

If you’re not a smoker, don’t smoke.

🤣🤣🤣🤣
well it was worth a try

Which is all completely irrelevant to OPs post……….

OP maybe you should change this to eating a barbecued chicken.
More MNs might post relevant answers.

Oh come ON.

😂😂

Well, have you ever said to him you’re never going to smoke again? If you had, then YABU.

YABU. Smoking is disgusting to non-smokers.

Of course he is bring unreasonable. That's a massive overreaction

Same could be said of a lot of posts on here.

OP I hope you have thick skin!!

You're an adult, you can do what you want. IMO your partner was unreasonable.

She’s not a smoker. Op clearly states she used to smoke but now doesn’t.

Anyway, doesn’t really matter what the subject is op, his reaction is awful & far worse than the crime.

Tell him you’re an adult & will make your own decisions.

I have the same reaction to some alcohol. The smell is just dreadful. Especially red and white wine. They make me wretch.
Meat as well, uncooked is bad enough but cooked is just disgusting. If I go to a restaurant I can smell it all over my clothes. 🤢

You say “it’s his house”.

Do you jointly own it with him?

If he’s the sole owner, that would change my opinion. His house, his rules…

No I haven’t. As far as I’m concerned I’m not a smoker (despite what some people are saying on this thread). I can’t even remember the last time I smoked before last night. I know full well that he doesn’t like it but I won’t be dictated to and told that I can or can not do something with my own body that is not harming him.

I hate the fact that my partner has a motorbike and worry every day when he goes out on it. I would prefer him not to have it but I would never dictate to him that he can not ride his motorbike.

True.
But smoking outside means smoke flies into the air.
He doesn’t own the air around the house.

No it is actually the opposite - it is technically my house. But it is his home as much as mine and he pays towards the bills

Why his house, his rules? She wasn’t smoking in the house! Also, if they’re together & op is contributing fairly, regardless who owns the house, she’s still able to make decisions on what she does?

Then don’t marry him.

Thanks for the clarification, didn’t want to jump ahead as the two posters above did without understanding the above.

If it’s technically your house, then he can’t really tell you what to do in your house or your garden.

FWIW, I’m not a smoker, nor do I like it, but that’s your choice to make, not his.

Haha yes it’s fine 😂- everyone is entitled to their opinion and the massively varying opinions are interesting!

I'm with your DP.

The issue that would worry me is that some ex smokers can easily become addicted again after those sneaky puffs with a friend.

You don't seem to recognise that - like someone who is an alcoholic and has a drink and it spirals again. You need a fag to alleviate some stress- so your dependency is still there- lurking.

He doesn't have to like it but being huffy and not speaking to you is a joke. He sounds really childish and poor at communicating.

A decent reasonable man should be able to indicate his partner had breeched one of his boundaries without the need to get in her face and sniff her, embarrass and humiliate her in front of guests and ignore her the day after. He has the right not to live with someone who takes a few drags from a cigarette if he doesnt want to, and if he doesn't want to, has the right to leave. What he doesn't have the right to do is tell another adult what to do and shame and chastise her if she doesn't comply.