Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

This time it was because you had a cigarette. What will it be next time… because of something you’ve bought, have drunk or are wearing? Make no mistake, he’ll find something.

@DiamondArtists I think you're wrong. I smoked for 29 years and stopped almost 30 years ago. I have no desire to smoke and will never do so again. I am definitely not a smoker. However I'm not at all anti smoking and have some sympathy for smokers and how they are ostracised nowadays. I wouldn't ask a smoker who was visiting me to smoke outside, but I think everyone does so nowadays anyway. If I end up smelling of smoke because I've been in close proximity to a smoker, then I can wash my clothes and have a shower afterwards; similarly, I can open my windows and air the house if someone smokes indoors. Of course, I would feel differently about someone smoking in the house if I had young children.

You were most definitely NBU, OP.

He sounds like a Victorian patriarch, huge turn-off. 🤮

So alcohol makes it fine for the OP to have a "couple of puffs" but it's not fine for her DP to get angry, presumably also having drunk a bit?

He was commenting every time the friend went out for a smoke. The OP's response was not to support him or respect that he doesn't want smoke or the smell of smoke around him, but to go outside with the smoker and join in! If it's such a valued friendship why can't the guest not smoke for a few hours?

Yanbu. He behaved liked an idiot.

I find this very hard to understand. I used to smoke (a lot) but quit about ten years ago. Sometimes I'll still socially smoke. DP can't tell and wouldn't be happy about it if he knew. I get why people would find a new smoking habit a deal breaker, but I don't really get why social smoking would be. It smells, but so do lots of things, for example takeaways. I couldn't be with someone who ate a takeaway every night, but once a month would be fine. Surely you just brush your teeth and wash your hands to get rid of the smell. You only get that long lasting smoke smell from smoking regularly, not just from one every now and again.

It seems to me that people who have never smoked treat it almost like a drug, like something you can't do in moderation. But you absolutely can smoke once a month and be fine.

I'm with your partner, smoking is vile.

Oh come on people. She had a couple of drags on one cig in years!!! That doesn't make her a smoker.

His reaction is borderline abusive!!
He sounds very controlling. He 100% could have had a different reaction. This is way over the top!
I'd be wondering how he treats you without people there if I was your friend that night!

Yes he has a right to be annoyed but he doesn't have the right to go into your face and shout!

YANBU OP!

And once again folks can’t see the bully, the controller all because it’s a cigarette?

well that’s noted

This was OTT behaviour

Now you know how repellent he finds it, what’s your plan going forward?

Op your partner doesn't know he's born.. my hubby smokes 20 a day (yes I know) has quit then started smoking again.. we get the patches and then he still smokes after the programme is up. I've been battling for years. Nurse told him to stop or prepare for bad health. I think your one fag (not even) once ever couple of years is more then acceptable.

He can’t stop you doing it. But he can break up with you for doing it….

I mean if that’s his deal breaker. Then so be it. You chose to smoke so that’s your choice too.

you both made the choices you made and the reactions were also your choice.

yea you’re an adult and yes if he physically stopped you then I’d be totally on your side. But he didn’t.

yoh might think his reaction is extreme. But that’s how he feels about it and that’s his right as it is your right if you want to smoke.

@LuckySantangelo35

Well she could have respected his views given that she claims she's not a smoker so clearly it's not important to her. Not because we should do as we're told.

But I actually meant given she knew he despises it it's reasonable to expect a negative reaction.

I agree he handled it poorly though.

Oh trust me. As a former smoker I cannot bear the smell. Can’t have any ashtrays or fag ends near me. Makes me want to vomit. So I disagree we don’t find it bad

i find it worse as an ex smoker than I did before I was a smoker.

Then he can leave. Not stomp about like the fucking boss of the house.

I agree that he’s being completely over the top but I probably would also have an outsize reaction too.

I’d leave dh if he took up smoking. It’s just instant ick. I’d struggle massively with a one off. I know IABU but it is what it is.

It's fine for her DP to be angry. It's not fine for him to shout in her face then act appallingly afterwards.

But would you shout and then stomp and take the huff though

Smoking is unpleasant but you don’t smoke, you had a puff. His reaction is a red flag for a coercive bully.

I think he’s massively over reacting. It’s just a fag for gods sake. It’s not like you shot up and saw a baby crawl across the ceiling.

He doesn’t have to like it. Complete over reaction.

He is policing your behaviour.

Also just to clarify my DP hadn’t drank a drop of alcohol so his reaction wasn’t alcohol induced. He barely drinks any alcohol.

I had also originally invited my friend over for the evening when he was meant to be out at work so we could have a catch up. He ended up having the evening off work so he hung around (not that I minded about that as it’s his house but it was originally just meant to be us for the evening - for those disgusted with me allowing my friend to smoke in the garden and subjecting him to the horrors of cigarette smoke).

There is also no significant background on his side (cancer in the family etc) that would contribute to his extreme hatred of smoking - he just really doesn’t like it.

Anyway, thanks again everyone for your replies. It has given me some food for thought and I will be having a good chat later with my partner.

😂😂

He is acting like you did something extremely over the top and as you said you do not smoke and had a few drags because your friend over. He is unreasonable and could have lightly said something but the glaring looks etc ridiculous. I had an ex the same and I would have a rare ciggie at night on the patio, did not live together but he hated it so did not say anything as he's not the boss of me. He found the packet of cigs and was acting like a dictator standing over me lecturing me, I like a fool took it but as my sis said I should have told him to just fuck right off, controlling bastard hence why an ex, do not smoke now, vape now and then.
Understand how he hates smoking, but not his reaction.