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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner fuming with me for this

847 replies

Loloj · 14/04/2024 12:49

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 18:56

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/04/2024 18:30

If he hadn't challenged you immediately would you have admitted it this morning? Your friend, with your aid, was going outside and coming back into his home, several times, smelling of smoke. His home now smells of smoke - if you are/have been a smoker you probably don't realise how revolting that is to a non-smoker. I would put his overreaction down to alcohol as that is what you are blaming for your lapse of judgement.

My husband stopped smoking when we were engaged, because I wouldn't marry him otherwise. He stopped smoking countless times during our marriage - each time he started again with 'a couple of puffs of someone else's cigarette'. I didn't end our marriage over it but it ate away at my self-esteem that I was putting up with something I was vehemently against. Did he cause/contribute to my DC's asthma or other health issues? Possibly. Am I resentful of the money wasted over the years? Definitely. He finally quit using vapes and has now stopped those too. I am very glad that smoking is now so unacceptable that he is not constantly exposed to it or frequently around people who smoke. I am, I acknowledge, inhospitable to smokers who visit my home and put a chair outside (under cover) for them. I think that is less rude than their smoking.

He didn't "challenge" her. He got in her personal space and declared "he knew it" which reeks of paronia considering she hasn't smoked in years and hasn't had a drag in a social situation recently.

She doesn't have to admit to anything. She had a drag on a cigarette and isn't on trial.

Maddie212 · 14/04/2024 18:56

BusyMummy001 · 14/04/2024 18:38

Think the issue here is about trust.

You know he hates smoking, that it’s his line in the sand - and despite being in the home with him, you shared a cigarette. The message this sends him is a) that you don’t respect his position on smoking (and as others, yes, you ARE a smoker) and b) if you can brazenly smoke in the garden while he is there, how does he know you don’t regularly smoke when you go out with your friends?

His reaction seems over the top, but I think it’s because of his deep sense of betrayal - which you clearly don’t acknowledge.

As a smoker, you probably can’t see what the big deal is - as a non-smoker who grew up in a chainsmokers house, clothes and hair stinking of nicotine, I find cigarette smells revolting. My DH smoked when I met him and I refused to date him because of it. He had to give up if he wanted to date me.

Agree

Motherofcats300786 · 14/04/2024 18:58

FusilliNom · 14/04/2024 13:02

It's fine for him to find it disgusting and put him right off you. What's not fine is for him to react like that.

^this

Loopytiles · 14/04/2024 19:00

if any smoking at all (or meat eating or whatever else) is a relationship ‘deal breaker’ for him, he should ideally have told you that from the start, or made this clear in private, after you smoked. Not behaved in such a way.

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 19:03

Marblessolveeverything · 14/04/2024 18:35

From a life insurance perspective you are a smoker.

For your own sake ensure the info is accurate (non smoker is someone who jas not vaped, smoked, patch, tobacco gum etc within twelve months minimum) or you invalidate your cover.

This isn't life insurance, its a relationship. And doing something once, does not tie you to that title for life.

Maddie212 · 14/04/2024 19:03

Smoking is the same as alcohol use. How much alcohol do you have to drink a week to be an alcohol user? None. If you're open to alcohol and drink it, there you go. Same with smoking.

But of course, there aren't many balanced posts here. It's either:

He's a controlling my arse. It was only a few puffs so he needs to stfu, what a dick. It's your house so you do what you want op!

Or

You're a smoker, once a smoker always a smoker. He can't trust you again. I'd dump you, if I were him

Only you know your relationship, at the end of the day. But balance and understanding are needed otherwise this relationship is dead in the water

Rec0veringAcademic · 14/04/2024 19:03

AnotherFamilyNightmare · 14/04/2024 13:01

I am confused why anyone would think you are being unreasonable.

Smoking might be disgusting but you don’t treat your guests or partner like that. He could have politely asked your friend not to smoke when at your home rather than all of this passive aggressive nonsense. If you having a couple of drags is a deal breaker for him, that’s fine. Checking up on you by smelling your breath and having a go at you in company is not acceptable nor is a mammoth sulk. He could have had a calm, reasonable conversation with you private. If he behaves like this in front of guests, how does he behave in private?

I agree. I hate smoking and cigarette smoke. However, his behaviour, the triumphant
"I knew it!" reaction is not about smoking. It's about control. Who does he think he is? Your partner or the head girl at the dormitory?

Yetmorebeanstocount · 14/04/2024 19:03

Loloj · 14/04/2024 12:57

Thanks for your reply. I never normally smoke so I’m not a smoker- it was literally a one-off. I just feel his reaction was way over the top.

Show quote history

That is like a vegetarian saying they never normally eat meat, but just fancied a burger as a one-off - so they are not actually vegetarian then!
You are still a smoker.

SheepAndSword · 14/04/2024 19:04

@Loloj it's good that you're going to talk when he gets back.

I don't think you've said if he has any specific triggers around smoking aside from repulsion? Any personal experiences?

Motivationmayhem · 14/04/2024 19:06

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was over a glass of wine.

StedeBonnet · 14/04/2024 19:09

No, I'm sorry, no matter what feelings in smoking are there's no excuse for controlling behaviour like this.

Dullardmullard · 14/04/2024 19:13

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 13:47

Sorry, but allowing your friend to smoke on your property and then coming inside with her stinking clothes is so disrespectful to your partner. Smokers fucking STINK. It's disgusting and the smell does not just quickly fade away. The smell of cigarette smoke lingers and it's physically revolting to someone like your partner, my husband, and even myself. Why did you put your friend over your partner?

Show quote history

So because it’s disgusting to you you’d bully and embarrass and try and control your husband

yeah let’s take away the body anotomy of another

no you have a calm discussion about it not this OTT reaction

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2024 19:14

Motivationmayhem · 14/04/2024 19:06

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was over a glass of wine.

I expect the responses would be exactly the same. Those that are anti-drinking would be saying he was justified, those that are social drinkers would say it was controlling.

I think the only thing that would shift opinions would be if the OP admitted to having a problem with alcohol.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/04/2024 19:18

And typically the smell of wine wouldn't linger in the fabrics, the pillow, hair etc etc.

Didimum · 14/04/2024 19:18

You are allowed to do what you want, but he has explicitly let you know his boundaries in your relationship and you have disregarded them. I would be very upset if my DH did the same.

SquishyGloopyBum · 14/04/2024 19:21

Did you take a few drags to get bank at him op? Because he was clearly not happy, you know this. Taking a couple of drags would be like a big fuck you to him.

I won't date anyone who smokes. It's a hard boundary for me.

I don't think he acted great, but really neither did you. If you were my partner, the trust would be broken.

cremebrulait · 14/04/2024 19:24

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 14/04/2024 12:58

YABU.

Cigarettes are repulsive. You knew your OH hated cigarettes yet you deliberately smoked one knowing that it would antagonise him.

And now you have the audacity to accuse him of being unreasonable. This is almost gaslighting him!

And you win the award for most unreasonable response. 😂”deliberately smoked one knowing it would antagonise him” yet in the most delicate way OP noted the influence of prosecco.

Trying to gaslight OP is 🙄

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/04/2024 19:24

I'm like you - gave up years ago but still have the odd puff or two if I've been drinking and I fancy it.

My DH and teenage DCs all think it's a disgusting habit (which it is) but nobody gives me grief if I do what you did, OP. It may happen three times a year max - or not for a couple of years. Just depends on circs. Only when alcohol is involved and they all know it won't lead to me buying a pack the next day.

Your DP may be worried you'll take it up again? But otherwise he's being a stupid control freak. If you can't very occasionally do something he doesn't like, then you may have a DP problem. We all know smoking is bad - so is overeating or getting a bit drunk, but none are a major problem if they only happen very rarely....

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 14/04/2024 19:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What a load of rubbish. Once a smoker, always a smoker is bollocks. I used to smoke but don't now and have no desire to smoke.

Howbizarre22 · 14/04/2024 19:26

I find it hard to believe people don’t think he was massively overreacting in this situation. He was being a dick quite frankly. And yes, I’m against smoking too.

Dullardmullard · 14/04/2024 19:28

All I see is smoking disgusting you deserve dumped not that he’s a fucking bullying controlling arsehole but hey Ho this is AIBU after all

Crowgirl · 14/04/2024 19:32

How anyone is justifying his behaviour is beyond me.

It's not about smoking is it - any act, my friend had a box of chocolates and I ate a couple.

My friend had a bottle of wine and poured me a glass.

You're not a smoker, diabetic or an alcoholic and regardless you're a grown adult with full bodily autonomy and your partner has terrible manners and is seemingly rather controlling. 🚩🚩🚩

JemimaTiggywinkles · 14/04/2024 19:32

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was over a glass of wine.

There have been many, many threads on here of women seriously angry that their husbands came home absolutely hammered as a one off. Almost every single response was that while the husband is unreasonable for getting that drunk there’s no need to be so angry about a one off. And many responses talking about the women being controlling for not wanting her husband to have fun. In one the OP mentioned growing up with an abusive alcoholic parent and she was told to get counselling as it isn’t fair to control someone else just because of your own trauma.

I’ve never seen a thread about a single glass of wine because absolutely everyone would agree that the spouse is unbelievably controlling.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/04/2024 19:33

@Loloj temporarily exhibited poor judgement that doesn’t justify his aggressive OTT reaction. He maintained a huff & terse atmosphere to demonstrate his displeasure, to punish and humiliate her. The issue is his disproportionate reaction to a minor episode eg smoking. It’s not like she smoked crack. She had a few puffs on a fag. Doesn’t make her a smoker ,she’s not planning to light up again. He has forcefully exerted his displeasure and that’s alarming, a few drags on a fag is not worth all this hoo ha

Differentstarts · 14/04/2024 19:34

Yanbu your an adult and can do whatever you want

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