Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

You stand by your opinion that his reaction was OTT to your smoking.

Wasn’t your act of smoking all of a sudden that evening OTT for a non-smoker (as you claim to be)?

A few puffs, to a smoker, will seem like hardly anything, sense of taste and frequently being impaired for people who smoke(d) - to a non-smoker the number of puffs, or the intention behind the just a few puffs looks identical behaviour to a person who smokes, and smells much stronger to a non-smoker.

I would never go out with a controlling, puritanical person who was rude to my friends and belittled me in front of them, regardless of the reason. It's red flag behaviour and would be a line in the sand for me; they'd be out the door the next day. Controlling men are a massive turn-off, a risk and not people I want in my life.

I dunno. Smoking is a deal breaker to me, and DH, but if it wasnt and he told me he wasn't a smoker and we built a life together and then I caught him having 'a few drags' I would be apoplectic. It is so utterly disgusting and I would never ever be with a smoker.

I feel for your DH. He is probably feeling like you have led him on and now he is stuck. You knew it was a deal breaker. You keep saying 'I'm not a smoker' yet you fancied some drags. I'm not a smoker and I never, ever want one. So you seem like a social smoker to me.

OP "he did come up to my face and sniff me and then got really cross when he’d “caught me out” saying “I knew it” etc"

so pp saying he can smell it in the house - no, he can't. He had to go right up to you to smell it.

From a life insurance perspective you are a smoker.

For your own sake ensure the info is accurate (non smoker is someone who jas not vaped, smoked, patch, tobacco gum etc within twelve months minimum) or you invalidate your cover.

Wow! I’m an ex smoker. I haven’t smoked for almost twenty years. My husband is a smoker. He only ever smokes outside. He washes his hands when he’s been smoking and uses gum or mouthwash frequently as he’s aware that it’s smelly. He’s also incredibly kind, fair, generous, funny and hardworking. If how someone feels about you and reacts towards you depends on just one aspect of your behaviour, I’d be asking major questions about the relationship!

Big red flags here OP, he’s very controlling and not bothered whether your friend is there to witness it. I would throw him back personally… he will only get more controlling after the wedding.

His reaction is over the top and unacceptable, its bordering on controlling or manipulative behaviour.

It is fine for him to dislike smoking. It is fine for him to feel disappointed that you smoked, if he loves you he will be worried for your health. It would also be fine if (this one drag on a cigarette then led to you starting a habit of social smoking) you started smoking again for him to decide he disliked it and to move on from your relationship. What is not at all fine is for him to shout at you and ignore you. He could say something like 'ew, I don't like it when you smoke' but all this telling you off like you are his child is ridiculous. If he can't speak to you about this like one adult to another what is he going to be like with how you raise kids? I'd get rid of him if I were you....and also don't (for yourself, not for him) have any more drunken cigarettes... it's a slippery slope and you've done so well to give up.

Think the issue here is about trust.

You know he hates smoking, that it’s his line in the sand - and despite being in the home with him, you shared a cigarette. The message this sends him is a) that you don’t respect his position on smoking (and as others, yes, you ARE a smoker) and b) if you can brazenly smoke in the garden while he is there, how does he know you don’t regularly smoke when you go out with your friends?

His reaction seems over the top, but I think it’s because of his deep sense of betrayal - which you clearly don’t acknowledge.

As a smoker, you probably can’t see what the big deal is - as a non-smoker who grew up in a chainsmokers house, clothes and hair stinking of nicotine, I find cigarette smells revolting. My DH smoked when I met him and I refused to date him because of it. He had to give up if he wanted to date me.

Is he a meat eater.
Maybe one day someone will tell him eating flesh is disgusting and stinks. See how he feels being told.
Hes completely unreasonable and sounds like a control freak.

Nope he’s vegetarian

This isn't always true. I smoked for years, 10 a day, double that on a night out, for about 20 years! I quit 6 years ago and never think about cigarettes except to feel repulsed. Sometimes I dream I'm smoking and it even turns my stomach in my dreams! Even the smell of it makes me feel sick now. I definitely do not have a weakness for it.

This is, obviously, completely untrue.

I smoked socially in my 20's, occasionally at home. One day, I just decided to stop. That was over 20 years ago. I've never had even a flicker of interest in smoking again. I find it utterly repellent these days, and wouldn't touch a cigarette if someone paid me!

Change this to going out and he’s “not again” crap you’d all be frothing saying he’s controlling which he bloody well is. But cos it’s smoking it’s her fault what planet are some of you on.

serious convo if your not at the dumping stage

I was just thinking this - or a tattoo. Sure, leave if he hates the behaviour, but it still doesn't make it ok to humiliate her in front of her friend, make digs about the friend, do the ridiculous childish glaring, or just generally act like he's in charge and she shouldn't have disobeyed him.

He sounds like a bit of a nob OP. Total overreaction to a couple of drags on a cigarette. Only you can tell if it’s worth fighting to keep your boundaries.

seems a coincidence that this might make your friend of 30 years feel less welcome….. is he trying to isolate you ?

He overacted. It’s not ok. You are both adults - sounds like he’s trying to put you in ‘child’ mode and he is the parent. Maybe read the wiki page on transactional analysis

YANBU but smoking is something a lot of people dislike so you will get a disproportional amount of hate for it. I’m not a smoker, never have been nor am I with one but I understand that people have their free will. Your fiance sounds unhealthily obsessed and whilst it’s his right not to be with a smoker his reaction was controlling and nasty. He’s could have reacted appropriately and spoken to you like an adult. Instead he’s trying to guilt trip you to and make it about him unnecessarily. He’s also trying to shame you to try and gain the upper hand “morally” to make sure you won’t repeat that action again. Adults don’t behave like that about something they don’t like about people. They have a calm, rational discussion. He’s betrayed you by behaving like an irrational thug. He doesn’t get to decide what you do, his passive aggressive comments towards your friend show that he’s a weak man who enjoys lauding his superiority complex over women instead of using his “big boy voice”.

Horrible behaviour from him, especially towards and in front of your friend.

Oh come on, smoking is very different.

If someone really hates smoking then they absolutely detest it. It’s not like someone having a sneaky chocolate bar or even the odd glass of wine. It absolutely stinks and makes the person stink. If you hate it and know your partner is going to do it occasionally it puts you on edge because you don’t know if they’re going to come in stinking of it. I can’t explain how much I hate smoking and it would be an instant dump from me. (I grew up in the 80s in a house of 3 chain smokers and absolutely can’t stand it, I was bullied at school for always smelling of smoke - I used to keep my coat in my bag even on freezing cold days as a child because my coat smelt of smoke more than anything else I wore and it was just horrendous).

He didn't "challenge her" he got in her personal space and declared "he knew it" the fact she hasn't smoked in years and hasn't had a drag in other social situations hints at his paranoia.

She doesn't have to admit to anything, she's not on trial and it was a drag on a cigarette. If hed asked her and she'd denied it that would be a different story.

You mention his home smelling of smoke, but the friend went do to the bottom of the garden and its her home too, shes allowed friends round and she was polite enough to smoke at a distance.

The fact he was waiting to see if she smelt of smoke and has then lied saying he was going in for a kiss, reeks of control and manipulation. I'm leaning towards him being pleased that she had a drag because now she's in his bad books and he can lord it over her with his superiority.

The thing I don't understand is how you tolerated the taste of the cigarette to have a few drags.

After a few years of not smoking I gradually started to dislike that taste more and more. At first I could have a few cigarettes just in a night out, then I needed to have had a few drinks before I could tolerate that taste, and eventually nothing would have induced me to have a few puffs because of the vile taste.

But I wasn't a regularly heavy smoker, maybe not properly addicted? For you to "enjoy" a few puffs indicates there is a bit of addiction still going on. The nicotine hit was worth the vile taste. Which means you're not far enough down the line of not smoking to properly be a nonsmoker. A few puffs might indicate a chance of relapse which may be which your DH is worried about.

I and insurance companies disagree. If you inhale you smoked. Non smokers don't smoke, simples.