Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I wouldn't have had a guest coming in and out of my house smoking, because it stinks the place out. You can smell it the next day, because it lingers after every exhalation of smoker for ages after they've extinuished their cigarette. If your friend wants to see you and smoke I'd expect them to meet you elsewhere. I'm no surprised your DH was pissed off.

You are well aware smoking is his line in the sand. It's fine for you to choose to smoke - you're an adult after all - but equally he's perfectly reasonable to dump you for it.

"A few puffs"... said no non-smoker ever.

He sounds petty and so do lots of the people here. I wonder how many marriages would survive if so many of us were so anal about a small and infrequently exhibited vice.

Jeez some of these replies are so sanctimonious!

A few drags of a cigarette every few years does not make you a ‘smoker’.. and his reaction was so overboard. A simple conversation saying he was surprised/found it unappealing etc would have sufficed.

Oh please !!! Tell him to grow up ! I haven’t picked a cigarette for 10 years and if on occasion I picked one then hubby wouldn’t say anything . He knows it’s a non issue and a one off .
He is blowing something small out of proportion

Agree with posters advising OP to have a hard think about the relationship, unfortunately. Imagine what a man like this would be like if you were pregnant. Every little thing scrutinised. He seems to think he owns your body now, it would be much worse if you were carrying his child/breastfeeding etc.

Smoking a handful of times in the last decade still makes you a social smoker imo. I’d say the same if it was another substance like alcohol or drugs.

Your partner isn’t unreasonable to be annoyed but he was OTT with the smelling and gotcha act. I also understand why your partner has an ick about your friend being in the house. She’s smoking outside but the cigarette smell is being brought inside as it’s in her clothes, hair etc

Your DP's behaviour was appalling

Completely agree with @NoTouch

Op, his reaction was way over the top! He's not your dad & it was a one off. I'd be telling him where to go.

@imforeverblowingbuttons

so?? Can we only do what our partner likes?

Equally, if you know your partner has a red line (which maybe trivial to you, but whatever reason important to them) do you understand their POV or do it anyway and dismiss their reasons why they don't like it?

I can see from both sides tbh.

All this it's her house, whatever, is dumb. Relationships are about compromise and respect. Also, the silent treatment would piss me off massively.

How do you lot who won't allow smokers to even smoke within 100 meters your home cope when you go abroad? I gave up daily smoking many many years ago but even I have the occasional lucky strike after dinner in the Canaries where everyone smokes like mad. Seems far less repulsive somehow when everyone's doing it and it's sunny #addictlogic 😂

Honestly i couldnt be with a smoker either. The smell makes me physically sick.

The fact you smoked secretly is also an issue of trust

As a non smoker I can’t stand the smell someone who smoked outside brings inside. He may be thinking it’s a drag now, a couple of drags next time/ soon, and before he knows it you’re a social smoker again, which is a non negotiable for him. To be fair if my partner had a couple of drags, I’d have a chat with him that if it happens again I’m out.

This exactly.

Being unhappy with the smoking, yes. Confronting her, yes.

Snuffing, embarrassing her in front of friends, silent treatment - way over the top. Sustaining a relationship doesn’t work like that. I’d think long and hard.

Yes his reaction is over the top. He shouldn’t be passive aggressive to your friend and he shouldn’t make you feel like shit or be such a dick in front your friends. You’ve had a couple of drags of a cigarette in 10 years and that isn’t the crime of the century.

Im very much of the opinion that smoking is vile and it stinks but I still think his behaviour over this very minor infringement is over the top and out of order.

I steer clear of places where people smoke.

He sounds incredibly uptight 😁

Wow what a huge amount of varying responses! Thank you everyone.

Just to reply to a few general comment's- he’s not overall a controlling person although I’d say he can get a bit on his high horse and likes to take the moral high ground. Sometimes I find this mildly irritating but I will put him in his place or take the mick out of him with his “halo”.

Just to clarify last night he didn’t shout in my face as some people have alluded to. Sorry if my post suggested this but he did come up to my face and sniff me and then got really cross when he’d “caught me out” saying “I knew it” etc and arguing with me in front of my friend which was embarrassing. Saying I had broken trust etc. After that he kept walking past glaring at me with an angry face which I actually think was ridiculous. Same this morning. I have since spoken to him on the phone and he insists that he was coming to give me a kiss and smelt it (I don’t believe that for a second as the timing was too perfect and he doesn’t normally randomly come and kiss me in front of friends).

Anyway, we will be having a talk later. I do feel that I shouldn’t have bothered with the cigarette and it was disrespectful to his feelings. However, I stand by his reaction being way OTT and I hope he can see this too.

We usually have good communication and can talk through our differences so hopefully this will be the same.

Yanbu. This is really controlling of him.

Much as I’d be completely repulsed if my partner did this, you are an adult so his extreme reaction was a bit OTT.

Ffs it was a pissed couple of puffs of a cigarette.

He could have just 'You stink of cigarettes and it's foul' and left it.

His reaction is petulant and controlling and I'd be concerned about this escalating in general with other things.

If he hadn't challenged you immediately would you have admitted it this morning? Your friend, with your aid, was going outside and coming back into his home, several times, smelling of smoke. His home now smells of smoke - if you are/have been a smoker you probably don't realise how revolting that is to a non-smoker. I would put his overreaction down to alcohol as that is what you are blaming for your lapse of judgement.

My husband stopped smoking when we were engaged, because I wouldn't marry him otherwise. He stopped smoking countless times during our marriage - each time he started again with 'a couple of puffs of someone else's cigarette'. I didn't end our marriage over it but it ate away at my self-esteem that I was putting up with something I was vehemently against. Did he cause/contribute to my DC's asthma or other health issues? Possibly. Am I resentful of the money wasted over the years? Definitely. He finally quit using vapes and has now stopped those too. I am very glad that smoking is now so unacceptable that he is not constantly exposed to it or frequently around people who smoke. I am, I acknowledge, inhospitable to smokers who visit my home and put a chair outside (under cover) for them. I think that is less rude than their smoking.

It doesn't matter whether YABU. Right now he is reconsidering his engagement to you. I've been there.

This

He's entitled to his red lines and dealbreakers

But so are you OP

The way he treated you was appalling IMHO.

tbh I'm not comfortable with someone wanting to police that kind of thing.