Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

I agree with this. The two of you seem unsuited.

He's not your parent, what a total overreaction, it's not as if you are back on the fags. I have not smoked for decades but I do not sit in judgement of those who still do. Nicotine is more addictive than heroin and I am sure that most people who do smoke would like to stop. I get that it stinks, I get that it is a real health risk and as for the cost, well it just goes to show that it is a real addiction as people who smoke will always find the money for their "fix". I have a couple of family members who smoke and of course I wish they didn't but me going off on a rant about it is not going to help. I do not think I am a superior and saintly being because I was able to stop and not go back

If you do something you know that your partner cannot tolerate and loathes, then I'm not sure what you were expecting the outcome to be?

It's about respect to your partner and not doing something that you know will wind him up.

Who the hell does he think he is, and how dare he, are the sentiments I'd be addressing my partner with.

How absolutely rude, controlling and unreasonable of him. Yes cigarettes are unpleasant- smoking is still legal though. As is eating meat, more's the pity. I can't stand the smell of animal flesh cooking. Turns my stomach. Also linked to a number of cancers and heart disease, not to mention the widespread suffering of animals, yet people continue to eat it, as is their right. Do I think something when I smell meat? Absolutely. Would I say anything? Absolutely not. Not my place or business, nor do I seek to control other peoples choices. Not even my partner, who eats meat occasionally. Nor my children, 3 vegan, 2 vegetarian, 2 on the fence, one eats meat. Their choice.

I am so shocked at these responses. Especially this

-Cigarettes are repulsive. You knew your OH hated cigarettes yet you deliberately smoked one knowing that it would antagonise him. And now you have the audacity to accuse him of being unreasonable. This is almost gaslighting him!

@TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist you should be ashamed. Do you do nothing your partner doesn't like to avoid "antagonising"? What an awful message to send to your children and to women in general around autonomy. He absolutely has the right to end the relationship if it's that important to him. He does not have the right to police what OP does with her own body.

@Loloj I'm totally with you..... In fact, I'd go as far as to say, you should be having a good hard think as to whether you actually want to marry this rude, patronising and condescending man.

I'd find his behaviour so embarrassing, I couldn't be with a guy like this. What a cock.

It's a LTB from me! Total over reaction....

How very judgemental.

Doing something you know full well will irritate your partner - what else would you call it if not deliberate?

I used to smoke and my partner at the time hated it, so if we were out together then I absolutely wouldn't even contemplate smoking because I knew it would piss him off and he'd be really off with me. He made it clear from the start that he hated smoking, so out of respect I didn't smoke around him. Ever.

I’m with your partner, I detest smoking and if I ever got an inkling that he’d been smoking I’d be really annoyed. I also know how easy it is to get hooked back on smoking after just a few puffs. If my OH came in smelling of smoke I’d be absolutely furious.
re your friend, she obviously doesn’t realise what a disgusting stench follows her around, but I really wouldn’t want it in my house so quite honestly I don’t blame him one bit.

Second hand drinking effects... all you need to do is Google alcohol related crime and you'll see what drinking alcohol does to people, families, women.

Second hand eating effects not so much, however I did lose a beautiful friend a few years back who died prematurely as a result of obesity, leaving her young daughter and her family and friends absolutely devastated.

I appreciate that's not what this thread is about, however there are many people questioning why overeating and drinking alcohol are being brought up.

He is allowed to be pissed off but he is not allowed to shout in your face and give you the quiet treatment the next morning that is just abusive. Smoking is not the issue here, his reaction to you "disobeying" him is. I would be having a serious conversation to see if you can continue to live with him.

Your partner sounds like a knob op

YANBU

Dear God! He can leave and quickly but is not entitled to decide what she does. Cannot control it. He can control his actions and split up. Find himself a nice non smoking girl;)

You don't seem very respectful of your partner's views about smoking. He's made it clear he detests it, but you dismiss his response to your friend smoking - outside isn't usually enough. The smell gets in. And you dismiss his concerns when you smoke again. Maybe he isn't the right person for you, if you can't accept the things that are important to him.

YANBU, that’s rude and controlling.

He was annoyed but that does not excuse causing a scene - absolutely calculated to make your friend uncomfortable, not nice behaviour. As well as having no right to tell you off.

I smoked when I had a drink as a teenager - just because everyone was and I thought it was cool. I haven’t had a cigarette since I left school as I just wasn’t bothered by them and thought they were pretty disgusting: and under no circumstances in 15 years, have I ever felt the need to “have a drag” or whatever. I am a non smoker.

the fact you did, and the fact you said you did the same 2 years ago, sounds like you are still a little bit addicted to cigarettes. I would find this extremely off putting. It’s not alright for him to shout but this is clearly quite important to him and you are minimising it as “a couple of drags” when that’s not something a non smoker would even contemplate. You sound like you’re in denial.

@willyoutakethisrose is it a non issue as they choose not to spend much time in your home?

I also find cigarette smoke disgusting, and I couldn't be in a relationship with a habitual smoker. But I have friends who smoke and have been at thousands of parties where there are smokers, and treating smokers like they're lepers is a very OTT reaction, and when it comes down to it quite rude.

DP smokes very, very occasionally at social occasions (maybe 3-4 times per year) and he knows I won't be going near him that night or the next day. But I don't sniff his face to catch him out, nor give him the silent treatment the next day. It's really not that serious.

That said your partner has said that even social smoking is a red line for him and you still did it, so... this is the kind of reaction I'd expect from someone who can't even tolerate occasional smoking.

Deal breaker for me.

He doesn't like smoking. You know this and did it anyway.

I don't agree with the way he reacted especially infront of your friends. But yes he's right to be annoyed.

Interesting views, because I would have exactly the same reaction as your partner and the engagement would be off. I really, really hate smoking. The smell makes me feel ill and it's an absolute deal-breaker for me. Even "but I just had a couple of puffs for old times sake" to a strong anti-smoker is not a valid excuse.

*I know I will get killed for this but...

As a French person I have always found the British puritanism around smoking baffling, especially from such a fat and borderline alcoholic country*

Bravo 😂

Massive overeaction. Yes cigarettes stink but it’s not like you came back in after shooting up heroin. I could understand his reaction to that.

So many red flags here. Controlling abusive behaviour. Time to get your finances in order and run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

He is allowed to be pissed off but he is not allowed to shout in your face and give you the quiet treatment the next morning that is just abusive. Smoking is not the issue here, his reaction to you "disobeying" him is

This.