To think this is just being a parent - not being a martyr?

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Right this has been annoying me for the past week and I need to get some perspective.

DD (15 months) has really suffered with illnesses since starting nursery at 11 months old. More than most (according to her room leader and all the other members of staff) we are on her 6th round of antibiotics in 5 months. She had 2 hospitalizations for RSV (different incidents of illness) and still hasn’t managed a whole week in nursery yet. In addition to this she suffers with chronic constipation and needs regular checks and medication reviews for that too.

Our GP practice is, as a whole, pretty good, but after the first few illnesses I definitely think we were tagged as ‘those’ parents and they don’t seem to be as proactive about seeing her or issuing prescriptions. Even though she displays symptoms that should be seen by a doctor (according to 111, and the NHS symptom checker) We are both well educated, DH works in healthcare so we aren’t idiots who think a runny nose needs to be seen, each and every time there have been concerns with breathing, prolonged temperatures and clear as day chest infections etc.

She has been generally unwell with the same illness for the past 5 weeks, since being unwell isn’t abnormal for her we went away last weekend with some friends to a hot tub lodge campsite and were due to come back late Monday afternoon/early evening. On Sunday evening DD really took a turn for the worst, and was violently sick all night into Monday morning (early hours) she then failed the fluid challenge at 5am Monday morning so I called the GP. They were concerned as this is what happened last time she had RSV and required a hospital stay. They asked us to bring her in asap, I said we were away and it would take an hour to get to them, they had limited appts so offered us 10am.

DH was annoyed I hadn’t booked a later appt as he still wanted to go to the planned last morning breakfast with our friends. I said absolutely not, it’s like getting blood from a stone getting an appt for her and at this point it was too late. The appointment was made, it would take me ages to get through to change it (I tried and was caller number 48) and by the time I did there would be no appts left.

It was now 9 am so we needed to leave sharpish to get back in time.

On the way back DH was moaning about how hungry he was - I was too since we had been awake since midnight, but for me I care more about getting DD seen by the doctor than eating.

DH wanted to detour and get a McDonald’s breakfast. Doing so would have made us late and miss the appt, our GP is hot on lateness and if more than 5 mins late the appt is canceled (rightfully so imo) so I did get pretty heated and told him under no circumstances are we risking missing this appt for the sake of a McMuffin. I was hungry too and if anything was more hungry since he had a chocolate egg leftover from DDs Easter egg hunt at 5am!

DH then accused me of being a martyr.

AIBU to think this isn’t martyrdom but just being a half decent parent?

I must admit I have done it a bit when DD was younger, needlessly making myself suffer for nothing really. But I don’t think this is in the same league of not wanting to put her down for a nap to go to the toilet and then moaning about really needing the loo!

Nope not a martyr
Your DH needs to suck it up given how tough GP appointments are.

You want to take your 15 month old to the GP because she started vomiting last night? Does DP perhaps think she doesn’t need to go to the appointment?

Agree you're in the right. DH needs a shake.

YANBU He needs to grow up you can easily go 12 hours without food, (and he hasn't even done that if he's had chocolate) assuming no medical conditions involved. You're right to prioritise your daughter. Is this the first time he has been actively impacted by the utter ball ache of getting and attending an appointment for her?

Nope. She was violently sick, refusing any fluids and failed the fluid challenge after hours of sickness and no wet nappies.

She needed to be seen, which DH fully agreed with.

Hit the nail on the head at the end there. I am always the one most impacted by her poor health, I think this was the first time he had to really ‘sacrifice’ for DD and I laugh at using that word considering it was not eating for an extra hour.

Annoyingly my work offers full pay for any time off for dependents (unlimited in the first 4 years after returning from maternity leave) so financially it makes sense for me to do the bulk of her sick duties but it’s annoying since it’s meant he doesn’t quite appreciate how much goes into getting appts, sitting around waiting, not eating because you can’t risk going to the cafe if they call your name etc.

He also didn’t like when I reminded him during her last hospital stay I went from 03:00 - 16:00 without eating since the children’s A&E is apart from the main hospital and she was being seen multiple times and I was told not to risk leaving as she’d likely get her name called at any time.

6 round of antibiotics is a LOT. Poor baby. Are you doing something to build her immune system up? One round of antibiotics completely messed up my stomach btw.

I have 3 kids and never heard of the fluid challenge. Do you both need to go
to GP together?

She sounds very sickly, I don't think it's normal to be ill that often.

Anyway if you are frequently without food for hours it does sound a bit martyrish - none of these things sound like the kind of emergency you couldn't pack a sandwich to take, surely they have a chocolate machine in the children's hospital somewhere? Could you really not have had a piece of toast to take in the car? Or let your husband go out with friends and they give him a lift home later? Obviously don't miss an appointment to go to McDonald's but there are other options rather than starve.

I don't think you're a martyr in this instance.

I do think you need to plan your food intake better if you're frequently going hours on end without food because of doctors appointments. I also don't understand why it was impossible to get any food between 5am when you knew she needed the doctor and 9am when you left.

The GP is finally investigating why she is getting so unwell, it’s only taken me looking like a nutter for months but they’ve ordered a full health check for her including bloods and scans which she needs to be well for, so am just waiting for this current illness to pass and hoping she doesn’t get another straight away (not looking good but I can hope!)

She has all the vitamins etc. Probiotics, eats well, only issue is protein but the doctors have all said it shouldn’t be making that much of an impact on her overall health as it’s apparently normal for toddlers and younger children to be a little iffy with meat.

They suspect Asthma but can’t diagnose this young apparently, as they said it could be why she is so impacted by respiratory infections, she has an inhaler now though which is something.

DH and I have also been very unwell since Christmas, which doesn’t help. I did joke last time the GP probably had Munchausens on my notes since between December and the end of Feb DH, I or DD were in at least once a week! I had 4 rounds of antibiotics in that 2 month period including one very strong course, and DH had 3, and a hospital stay himself for pneumonia!

Most of the time I just take her but we were away so he had to come too, although the thought of leaving him in the Forrest Hansel and Grettle style did cross my mind….more than once

Sounds like you have had it really tough. However, you can't expect her to be well after 6 rounds of antibiotics. I would do everything i could in this case to take her out of nursery and give her a year to recover her immune system. Antibiotics are necessary at times yes but they wreck the gut and if you dont give her a chance to get back on track you risk causing long term problems (speaking from personal experience, sadly).

We had a breakfast reservation so thought we could wait it out, then she was sick again and needed cleaning up (we both did) so didn’t make it, then it was time to leave.

Normally we would grab something but since we assumed it would only be a few hours until breakfast we didn’t bother and focused on getting all the sick cleared up in case we lost our deposit

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all here OP.
You've mentioned it a couple of times but I've no idea what the fluid challenge is... what does it mean?

Well I suppose when you have a set amount of time to do certain tasks eating falls below my list of priorities. We had already packed and got rid of most of the food in the lodge since it was check out day and had breakfast booked. The morning was spent covered in sick or cleaning it up so didn’t really have time to pop a sandwich together with no ingredients either.

and yep, not even a chocolate vending machine in the children’s A&E waiting room. Once admitted there is a kitchen, but unfortunately our local hospital like many are impacted by capacity issues. We spent 16 hours in the waiting room of A&E where I was told not to leave the building in case they called for DD. She was called every 30-45 mins during this time so couldn’t risk it.

If there were other options I’d be taking them, I’m not one of the MN large salad brigade

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t really care about your daughter. Awful behaviour- she’s a sick child and he wants to get food because he’s hungry? I hope he’s got some good qualities.

I'm a greedy mare but there are certain situations that take away my appetite and this would be one of them.

It’s usually the first step in triage for a lot of medical issues in hospital, since DD is a regular we now do it before calling the GP or going to hospital since they always start with that.

It’s administering 5ml of fluid, ideally pedialite, every 5 mins and logging if it’s taken, or thrown back up. The aim is to go an hour with fluid taken every 5 mins and not thrown up for an hour after. Refusing the fluid and or throwing it up in this period is a failed fluid challenge. It just saves time

just saw your comment about how shes not keen on protein. My best tip here is: bone broth. Get yourself a slow cooker and some organic bones then when theyve cooked, freeze the broth in liquid tupperwares in the freezer. keep one in the fridge at all times and add it to everything. you can cook veggies in it, use it as a base for soups, boil rice in it etc. You might even find she drinks it straight.

He couldn’t wait until after the appointment at 10 for breakfast - yes it’s parenting and at the moment you are suffering with a very ill child

Not what you asked but have you
considered moving your DD to a childminder It may reduce the number of illnesses while very little.

the RSVs sound hellish and you have my sympathy… especially on the time off policy it is helpful BUT also mean DH doesn’t have to bother and it’s your problem. Always.

Oooh thank you! Will check Amazon for a slow cooker now! I have colleagues that swear by bone broth for their health so will give it a try with DD, she does like a soup so hoping she can take it, if not it will go in her sippy cup!

After her second round of RSV we did contact a few local child minders, but they’re all booked until Sept. so I have provisionally booked in for one but I do hope by then she has sorted herself out a bit, as nursery is more practical for our working hours. If not DH will end up putting a flexi request in

He ended up ordering an Uber eats to meet us at the GP practice

I'm disabled.

I keep emergency food in the car. Biscuits mostly but in the winter chocolate as well. Also bottled drinks.

If you are taking her to hospital that regularly put together a hospital kit.

Then no-one needs to sacrifice anything.

Well that’s odd then. I don’t understand where us he is coming from.