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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is just being a parent - not being a martyr?

104 replies

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 12:43

Right this has been annoying me for the past week and I need to get some perspective.

DD (15 months) has really suffered with illnesses since starting nursery at 11 months old. More than most (according to her room leader and all the other members of staff) we are on her 6th round of antibiotics in 5 months. She had 2 hospitalizations for RSV (different incidents of illness) and still hasn’t managed a whole week in nursery yet. In addition to this she suffers with chronic constipation and needs regular checks and medication reviews for that too.

Our GP practice is, as a whole, pretty good, but after the first few illnesses I definitely think we were tagged as ‘those’ parents and they don’t seem to be as proactive about seeing her or issuing prescriptions. Even though she displays symptoms that should be seen by a doctor (according to 111, and the NHS symptom checker) We are both well educated, DH works in healthcare so we aren’t idiots who think a runny nose needs to be seen, each and every time there have been concerns with breathing, prolonged temperatures and clear as day chest infections etc.

She has been generally unwell with the same illness for the past 5 weeks, since being unwell isn’t abnormal for her we went away last weekend with some friends to a hot tub lodge campsite and were due to come back late Monday afternoon/early evening. On Sunday evening DD really took a turn for the worst, and was violently sick all night into Monday morning (early hours) she then failed the fluid challenge at 5am Monday morning so I called the GP. They were concerned as this is what happened last time she had RSV and required a hospital stay. They asked us to bring her in asap, I said we were away and it would take an hour to get to them, they had limited appts so offered us 10am.

DH was annoyed I hadn’t booked a later appt as he still wanted to go to the planned last morning breakfast with our friends. I said absolutely not, it’s like getting blood from a stone getting an appt for her and at this point it was too late. The appointment was made, it would take me ages to get through to change it (I tried and was caller number 48) and by the time I did there would be no appts left.

It was now 9 am so we needed to leave sharpish to get back in time.

On the way back DH was moaning about how hungry he was - I was too since we had been awake since midnight, but for me I care more about getting DD seen by the doctor than eating.

DH wanted to detour and get a McDonald’s breakfast. Doing so would have made us late and miss the appt, our GP is hot on lateness and if more than 5 mins late the appt is canceled (rightfully so imo) so I did get pretty heated and told him under no circumstances are we risking missing this appt for the sake of a McMuffin. I was hungry too and if anything was more hungry since he had a chocolate egg leftover from DDs Easter egg hunt at 5am!

DH then accused me of being a martyr.

AIBU to think this isn’t martyrdom but just being a half decent parent?

I must admit I have done it a bit when DD was younger, needlessly making myself suffer for nothing really. But I don’t think this is in the same league of not wanting to put her down for a nap to go to the toilet and then moaning about really needing the loo!

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 13:32

Was there no walk in centre near where you were?

tothelefttotheleft · 14/04/2024 13:33

@Alphabetsouplover

An Uber eats to the go carpark?!

What the fuck?

Also was this food just for him?

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:34

Iwantmyoldnameback · 14/04/2024 13:21

I'm a greedy mare but there are certain situations that take away my appetite and this would be one of them.

someone (me) was stupid and let her eat loads of grapes the day before, funnily enough I wasn’t in the mood for making a sandwich when I was picking bits of regurgitated grape out of my bra Grin

OP posts:
Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:35

tothelefttotheleft · 14/04/2024 13:33

@Alphabetsouplover

An Uber eats to the go carpark?!

What the fuck?

Also was this food just for him?

thankfully he isn’t so stupid not to get me anything although I didn’t eat it since I thought it was rude to eat whilst speaking to the GP (DD and I went straight in)

Although I did treat myself to a nice Belgian bun at the cafe on the way out!

OP posts:
Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:36

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 13:32

Was there no walk in centre near where you were?

Probably was but I didn’t think to look it up, we knew a hospital trip would be likely so it made sense to do it at home, and ensure the continuity of care from what she has received so far if that makes sense

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 13:39

Not being a martyr in that situation.

If she was unwell though, I'd have probably tried to eat something or grab something to throw in the bag ready to leave. These trips to hospital are rarely quick.

RazzleDazz1e · 14/04/2024 13:44

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:31

He ended up ordering an Uber eats to meet us at the GP practice Angry

Problem solved!

JurassicFantastic · 14/04/2024 13:44

Not being a martyr.

I keep a pack of cereal bars in the car for situations like this.

Happinessischeeseontoast · 14/04/2024 13:44

I can't believe he got an Uber eats to the carpark rather than wait 30 minutes. I would be 😲 if I saw that.

I'm not one for indulging in petty 'icks' but that would absolutely give me the ick.

Happinessischeeseontoast · 14/04/2024 13:46

Ps hope your dd is feeling a little better now

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:47

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 13:39

Not being a martyr in that situation.

If she was unwell though, I'd have probably tried to eat something or grab something to throw in the bag ready to leave. These trips to hospital are rarely quick.

Oh definitely, we were 99% sure she would need to go to hospital after seeing the GP, so would have got something between the two. He just couldn’t wait 20 mins apparently

OP posts:
Seeline · 14/04/2024 13:51

I always had a little bag ready to go when the kids were small.
Change of clothes for them
Wipes
Bottle of water for both of us.
A couple of cereal bars for me
Couple of longline snacks for them
A story book
Stickers, paper, pens.
Phone charger cable.

Kept by the front door or in the car if we were away.

Namenamchange · 14/04/2024 13:54

I think your dh sounds really entitled and selfish. Not much more to add, but I wonder what his expectation would have been if you had missed the appointment?

Happyinarcon · 14/04/2024 13:57

I agree with @GreatGateauxsby
Take your kid out of nursery, it’s not agreeing with her right now. On top of that whatever stress loop you and husband get in will also impact your daughter. She needs to have a relaxed nurturing environment with relaxed and happy adults. Whatever else you do will just be papering over things.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 14/04/2024 14:10

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 13:47

Oh definitely, we were 99% sure she would need to go to hospital after seeing the GP, so would have got something between the two. He just couldn’t wait 20 mins apparently

Was he worried that if he didn't eat before the GP, she would then be sent on to hospital so he wouldn't be able to get anything then either. I think the Uber eats delivery is helerious, also useful to know you can do that if you get stuck in a&e waiting room again!

YankSplaining · 14/04/2024 14:24

I don’t think you were being unreasonable or a martyr, but I feel compelled to point out that some people have more negative effects from not eating than others. I pretty much have to eat three meals a day at regular intervals, or else I’m a raging mess in a horrible mood with a throbbing headache. If I were in his position, eating the chocolate egg would have made things worse because the sugar would have spiked my blood sugar, and my mood would have crashed when my blood sugar did.

It sounds like everyone was stressed, worried, exhausted, and low on sleep. I hope your daughter gets better and everyone’s in a better mood when this is over.

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 14:30

YankSplaining · 14/04/2024 14:24

I don’t think you were being unreasonable or a martyr, but I feel compelled to point out that some people have more negative effects from not eating than others. I pretty much have to eat three meals a day at regular intervals, or else I’m a raging mess in a horrible mood with a throbbing headache. If I were in his position, eating the chocolate egg would have made things worse because the sugar would have spiked my blood sugar, and my mood would have crashed when my blood sugar did.

It sounds like everyone was stressed, worried, exhausted, and low on sleep. I hope your daughter gets better and everyone’s in a better mood when this is over.

Of course, and if he was one of those people I’d have empathy for him.

He isn’t though

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 14/04/2024 14:43

Seeline · 14/04/2024 13:51

I always had a little bag ready to go when the kids were small.
Change of clothes for them
Wipes
Bottle of water for both of us.
A couple of cereal bars for me
Couple of longline snacks for them
A story book
Stickers, paper, pens.
Phone charger cable.

Kept by the front door or in the car if we were away.

Your DH needs to put together a bag like this and add whatever snacks he wants.

ASimpleLampoon · 14/04/2024 14:50

What's wrong with your DP that he couldn't organise food while you were running around apparently doing everything else?

Priority was to get to the appointment then he could have gone to the nearest shop and picked up snacks for you all.

KomodoOhno · 14/04/2024 14:54

YANBU This is just life with kids. Holidays, days out, social events planned, sometimes are not able to go as planned.

Hana89 · 14/04/2024 15:17

You're not being a martyr at all, OP, just a good mother. My DP can be a bit like this and I often wonder if it is because I do so much for our 15 month old DD that he has just never really got used to the idea of his needs coming second sometimes.

DrCoconut · 14/04/2024 15:31

The time you were in A and E from 3am to 4pm he should (barring valid reasons why not possible) have brought you a pack up, especially since he is a person who doesn't do long periods with no food. I can't go hours without eating and always grab something like a banana or cereal bar on the way out to non routine health appointments just in case. Hope you get answers about all the health issues and your daughter gets better.

NearJohnLewis · 14/04/2024 15:31

I would find his behaviour incredibly unattractive. How pathetic.

ASimpleLampoon · 14/04/2024 15:40

YankSplaining · 14/04/2024 14:24

I don’t think you were being unreasonable or a martyr, but I feel compelled to point out that some people have more negative effects from not eating than others. I pretty much have to eat three meals a day at regular intervals, or else I’m a raging mess in a horrible mood with a throbbing headache. If I were in his position, eating the chocolate egg would have made things worse because the sugar would have spiked my blood sugar, and my mood would have crashed when my blood sugar did.

It sounds like everyone was stressed, worried, exhausted, and low on sleep. I hope your daughter gets better and everyone’s in a better mood when this is over.

I am one of these people, and I always have emergency snacks and water available for this reason.

Nothing to stop OPs DH from doing this but I'm guessing it's OP who always has to figure out this type of thing.

Createausername1970 · 14/04/2024 15:44

Octavia64 · 14/04/2024 13:31

I'm disabled.

I keep emergency food in the car. Biscuits mostly but in the winter chocolate as well. Also bottled drinks.

If you are taking her to hospital that regularly put together a hospital kit.

Then no-one needs to sacrifice anything.

Agree with this.

DS went through a very tricky time a few years ago which involved a few trips to A&E, usually in the middle of the night.

I kept a bag in the boot of the car, containing cereal bars, bottle of water, spare phone charger, coins for vending machine, clean underwear for both of us, a toothbrush and toothpaste and a book. It was a godsend a couple of times.

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