Is it just too easy to say "leave him" on forums?

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I've read/glanced at dozens of daily posts where other FM's "LEAVE HIM"

When I worked and I worked or around 15 years at one place, the number of times I heard work colleagues say, "if that happend to me, I leave him"
Sadly as the years rolled on and with the aid of social media etc, those flirting from home on their laptops/mobile smartphones took the flirt to the next level. Some were caught out

I vividly recall the day a manger of mine burst out in tears at her desk in her office and close mates went to comfort her. I did not ask why she was crying etc but wished her well. I later learned her husband had been cheating on her. Now, this was a one of a group of people that often blurted out at the first sign of relationship woes by saying "I'd kick him out"

Guess, what she never did kick him out - he actually left on his own accord a few months later and the manger had a nervous breakdown. The DH returned after a few months and she accepted him

She was one of several that chatted like that ie "leave him" and then it happened to another member of staff - her partner of many years was cheating but guess what, she never left him

IMO, many posters that constantly bang on about "leave him" would take a very different view if the boot was on the other foot. IMO, its not constructive to blurt that out and does an OP no favours. Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not. Some may need a bit of help to fully appreciate what's going on but to constantly blurt out "leave him" on forums IMO is not helpful in most threads. Yes, many will disagree but IMO it need to be stated. (I, for the first time yesterday posted "leave him" and IMO, from the posts I read and IMO that was the way forward but we all know the OP will decide for themselves.

FYI: If I posted her about a friend saying x/y/z re their OH, dont forget you only have one side of a story and this needs to probed and IMO and I've seen it here, OP's at times feel that they have overstated the problems as they were ticked off. However, there are people in relationships where it is best for them to part and FM's do help them decide re way forward, next steps, choices/help etc.

AIBU to feel like that?

Yes, of course it is, and most people saying it wouldn’t follow their own advice.

Often a poster comes to MN with a relationship issue and after dissecting the issues, you find they’ve not even acknowledged/realised half the shit they’re experiencing in the relationship. Those outside, without the rose tinted glasses have a clearer picture and will advise accordingly.

Naturally, that OP will take the advice given and over time evaluate the relationship and decide for themselves if they are better off in/out of the relationship. At least that’s what adults should do.

We all know the amount of deception, redirecting of time and resources and sometimes outright abuse that goes into cheating, so really, no one should tolerate it- hence the LTB. Life, however, throws up different circumstances and obstacles that will have you going against your own principles and beliefs; hence people stay.

Yes it’s easier to say than do, but staying in shit relationships shouldn’t be encouraged.

I think lots of people who say to LTB have no idea how difficult it is to be a single parent or one person household. I'll never forget the chirpy poster who said she had spent 4 days home alone with her children who were in their late teens. She said she now understood how single parents felt. Another poster said it was different when money was involved- and the OP cheerfully replied she never worried about money. Well there's the difference. Anything ia easier when you're not checking your bank account through squinted eyes or dreading the "You are now using your overdraft" text from Lloyd's

Honestly you cant believe 80% of the things that people say on the internet.

People write stuff that is just not real and that they would not do in real life.

I think there will always be some posters who just ‘fire from the hip’ and say leave him, without considering all the options and the difficulties.

Then there will be others like me who put up with bad behaviour in their own relationship for many years before deciding to leave. They want to give insight to the poster to bypass all the bullshitting and understand this is not fixable.

I suppose it would help if women who say leave him posted a little of their own experience. Then the OP could give more weight to those that have been in a similar situation.

I struggle to understand why anyone would seek advice from strangers on the internet about any important personal issues. Seems to me if you can accurately articulate your situation on a forum you have the wherewithal to find the right solutions for yourself. If you can't articulate the problem then the responses aren't valid anyway.

Irs usually the right advice. Doesn’t make it easy or simple though and no one should be judged for not feeling strong enough to leave.

People lose years of their lives trying to hang on to awful relationships and their mental health suffers hugely. And later when they do leave (or their partner does) they wish they’d done it years ago. So I don’t think you can sweep away the reality of that kind of advice, even though it’s very hard to follow sometimes.

In some cases I agree with you, though a lot of the examples I read have gone well beyond behaviour that should be forgiven if not repeated.

What always surprised me is how many people (women, if I am honest) are absolutely confident that they will find another relationship in 5 minutes after the "LTB" event.

Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not.

Why should we trust you?

When I started a thread about leaving my own DH, it was helpful to know that many women would leave in my situation. It took me years to leave after that thread but that doesn't mean it wasn't helpful being told LTB.

Maybe they're not too bothered if they don't find another relationship.

I very rarely say LTB as I agree it's usually too glib a response. But honestly I agree with pp that it usually is the right one, even if extremely difficult to actually live out. I'm constantly trying to quit my mumsnet addiction because I feel genuinely upset reading about all the awful relationships and women living in misery with absolutely awful men. Every day there are so many posts about men I couldn't tolerate for a day. Even if the OP doesn't end up leaving, perhaps being told to by strangers could be a good wakeup call that will make her push back on terrible behaviour from her partner, or separate even temporarily to give him a shock.

I have been amazed how quickly and casually posters leap to the words: “Leave him,” on countless threads. Choosing to leave your husband is an enormous decision, and needs very careful consideration, so should never be a reflex reaction, but many people on here seem to think otherwise.

Who says they want another relationship? If I was to find myself single next week, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t ever look for a new relationship.

I am always surprised by the life is too short to compromise statements. That just isn't realistic. Everyone needs to compromise in all sorts of situations. You have to decide what is non negotiable in the behaviours of others and in your own behaviour, and what you can accept others doing differently from you, and what you are willing to change for others. That isn't just in romantic relationships, it is in family, work, social,

Of course it's easier to say it to a stranger than to do it youself, but every time I've seen it here it's been justified by the OHs shitty behaviour.

Today it was a woman being told off by her husband for putting cups away wrong and told off again for not responding quickly enough to the first text. Yesterday it was a woman who's boyfriend was taking a chainsaw to her garden in a bid to claim some sort of ownership of her property.

There are dozens of posts, daily, from women being treated badly, to varying degrees, by men who claim to love them and clearly don't even respect or like them. While there are prevailing opinions on MN that I don't agree with, I love that it is a place where women can be heard, and support each other out of bad situations.

First post to my OP, excellent post and exactly as I feel. Thank you

You said "Yes it’s easier to say than do, but staying in shit relationships shouldn’t be encouraged."

I agree with almost everything you have said but,, thei.

You mean by just blurting out at almost every thread they see, "leave him"???

Of course its easy to say "just leave him"- its easy to throw out that phrase when you arent one having to deal with the fallout.

However, what's the alternative?- staying in a relationship where trust has gone and you feel utterly miserable? is that a good way to live, I dont think so.

I am also heartened by the number of posts by people that have left and are now infinitely happier that they are either single, or have met someone fantastic afterwards. So yes, it's easy to say, but that doesnt necessarily mean it's bad advice in the long term. Not when being in a relationship is causing you constant unrelenting pain.

What is "LTB"?

What irritates me is the lack of empathy towards repeat posters.

There is an expectation of posters in difficult relationships that they ought to follow the advice given immediately and leave the bastard... but it isn't that easy.

I was that person 12/14 years ago, much older H, 2 small kids, he was controllling/angry/abusive and yes i knew it was awful and i had to leave, but at that time i wasn't capable or ready, and i needed support.. instead i got ripped to shreds because i didn't do it the moment/way i was told to.

Yes i'm free of him now, and well rid and happy, but i'll never ask that kind of advice on here again.

I do say to people leave, but i generally share why i think that and what i went through alongside it.

Yes, life isn't black and white, there are many grey areas, and it isn't always doable that instant- many factors not least of which is money particularly if there are few assets within the marriage, or the OP doesn't have a good career or is over the age they can get a mortgage etc-

YANBU.

What a lot of people post on MN are 'learned' responses. They know the done thing is to respond in a certain way, and that's exactly what they do.

They can do it because obviously they have no emotions attached and no skin in the game.

Do they live by their own learned 'rules'? Of course not because that would be way more complicated than slapping out the letters 'LTB' on their keypads, whilst nibbling on a chocolate Hobnob.

I do get what you're saying OP. And no one on a forum can really advise without knowing what things like finances, housing etc would look like in detail - often it may be best to stay in a mediocre relationship rather than live in poverty for example.

However on the paper hand, I'm constantly surprised by the shit that women put up with in their relationship. It's shocking how low the bar is for some people.

People are naturally uncomfortable with change but that doesn't mean it's not for the best.

I don't think anyone really ever goes from 'I'll do anything I can to make this marriage work because he is the love of my life', to 'right I'm leaving' - its just a range of views to take into account. Sometimes it gives people the push they need

People post because there is already something deeply wrong with their relationship, even if they aren't consciously aware of this, and LTB type replies can help them see this

Lastly there are always a load of posters saying from experience 'I wish I'd left earlier / while I was young / while the kids were young / before we retired' etc etc and posters saying it only got worse. Far more than people posting to say they regret leaving. So on balance from other posters it does seem that in the end, people and more likely to regret staying than regret leaving

Thank you. Your second paragraph hits the nail firmly on the centre of the head.

I know of someone, a relative, the woman cheated on her DH. FYI, from my background at the time, you rarely had a woman cheating on her DH but it happened

Gradually, pothers found out as at work other people saw the cheat kissing etc in the lovers car, a work friend.

Everyone was saying to the DH, leave the xxx and so-on. He did kick her out, Then via the parents on both sides told them both what they had and what they we losing, esically their two young kids both aged over 5 under ten. The lover boy decided not to leave his wife and the relatives wife was taken in by her parents. Over a couple of months, they eventually got back together for the "sake of the kids." However, years on, they appear to be a loving couple, kids grown and married and the couple often go a 2/3 hols toheter a year and at weddings etc dance the night away. My point is it is only too easy for them to say leave him/her but when you are put in that position and was not expecting it, isa a MASSIVE SHOCK

Sad but a fact, I've met people at work and realtive/friends that are pretending to help you in times of woes but secretly they are happy that its not going well for you. How do i know this, well, when the same people see their mate/family doing well, you can tell by their comments they are not pleased but jealous. Come the bad times fro friend, they are in there like a shot to so-call support the friend/etc but in essence winding them up to separating etc.