Is it just too easy to say "leave him" on forums?

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I've read/glanced at dozens of daily posts where other FM's "LEAVE HIM"

When I worked and I worked or around 15 years at one place, the number of times I heard work colleagues say, "if that happend to me, I leave him"
Sadly as the years rolled on and with the aid of social media etc, those flirting from home on their laptops/mobile smartphones took the flirt to the next level. Some were caught out

I vividly recall the day a manger of mine burst out in tears at her desk in her office and close mates went to comfort her. I did not ask why she was crying etc but wished her well. I later learned her husband had been cheating on her. Now, this was a one of a group of people that often blurted out at the first sign of relationship woes by saying "I'd kick him out"

Guess, what she never did kick him out - he actually left on his own accord a few months later and the manger had a nervous breakdown. The DH returned after a few months and she accepted him

She was one of several that chatted like that ie "leave him" and then it happened to another member of staff - her partner of many years was cheating but guess what, she never left him

IMO, many posters that constantly bang on about "leave him" would take a very different view if the boot was on the other foot. IMO, its not constructive to blurt that out and does an OP no favours. Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not. Some may need a bit of help to fully appreciate what's going on but to constantly blurt out "leave him" on forums IMO is not helpful in most threads. Yes, many will disagree but IMO it need to be stated. (I, for the first time yesterday posted "leave him" and IMO, from the posts I read and IMO that was the way forward but we all know the OP will decide for themselves.

FYI: If I posted her about a friend saying x/y/z re their OH, dont forget you only have one side of a story and this needs to probed and IMO and I've seen it here, OP's at times feel that they have overstated the problems as they were ticked off. However, there are people in relationships where it is best for them to part and FM's do help them decide re way forward, next steps, choices/help etc.

AIBU to feel like that?

I can see why you'd stay then

When you quote me, it would be more accurate if you posted in full context what I said re sharing bills 50/50 as I ALSO MENTIONED that income should be divided 50/50

There are some clear examples of awful abuse but there have been many I’m just bored and there is no romance anymore, happens with men and women. I do understand that but obviously we have no idea of the hows and whys. It’s easy to understand, he hit me, he was unfaithful, he hates the kids, he won’t give me any money but some are more nuanced. I have a friend in real life in this situation. She isn’t desperately unhappy she is by her own admission just bored. Together 20 years and two children who are now young teens. It’s the daily grind of life with kids.

Many women don’t have easy access to money, I would have no relatives who I could live with long term and none in local area. I have a friends who would put me up in my local area. I would happily take in friends but really more than a month or two is not sustainable. If I needed to leave I do have the money but my DS is now an adult, it would be much easier than when he was a child. It’s ages and stages. I have two friends divorcing, one of the women is just bored and one had her DH be unfaithful, I mean he just got bored and looked elsewhere, he just made the awful decision to have an overlap. It’s the end of love when bored it’s just if you choose do it with a moral compass.

Doesn’t mean I want him dead.

I did quote your full post, why would you think I didnt? I literally used the quote function. You are quite dramatic aren't you?

I also said that your post wasnt overly clear. Because sharing income 50/50 isnt the same as sharing bills 50/50 and you aren't clear at all as to exactly what you mean

But if you mean pooling income, then each getting the same availability to money then yes that does help protect from financial abuse, as long, of course, as there are no addiction/spending/previous children issues.

There isn't really a one size fits all unfortunately.

Thank you but IMO, you quoted me in your response the bit about sharing the bills. Read by itself it looks bad. However, the way i posted it was also share the income 50/50 and therefore, the point you raised would have been invalidated.

EG - Share bills 50/50 but as importantly, I clareaty stated that ALL INCOME MUST BE SPLIT 50/50

Whats "not clear" re sharing all income and all bills 50/50?

For the record, "being over dramatic" its not it is a point of order, correction as reading the bit you quoted alone does make it seem unfair

I'll let you have the last word

Thank you.

The final paragraph was:

Whereas I often get the impression that the women saying that MN is too 'LTB' are doing so defensively because they are in denial about how bad their own partner is, and they realise that if they agree that the OP should LTB, then they themselves should also LTB and they don't want to think about that.

"The women saying that MN is too 'LTB'" - that's people who agree with your view point. But these people are not saying LTB, and the PP gives possible reasons why they are not.

Is it these people who you are saying have double standards? How is it double standards to not say leave and to also not want to face the idea of leaving their relationships?

Please read it again
Clearly states some will tell others to LTB but they wont leave their own.
There is nothing more I can say as it is very clear what the FM was saying and I am say
I'll let you have the last word

Please read it again. It is not saying that at all.

Women who say "MN is too LTB"

Not

Women who say "LTB"

See the difference?

Your post is perfectly clear tbf

I also agree with it. Ive seen anything up to posters trying to justify physical abuse, but the more they post the more you realise they are in fact being physically abused and its easier to justify it than face up to it in your own life

I guess when you've had intense and bonding experiences with someone, it's far more palatable to see it as a grand passion (anger, abuse and toxicity are often rebranded as "passion"), perhaps with your love in a constant state of taming the beast, than as a shit relationship in which you had some intense and bonding moments.

Tbh, if that's what you (generic, this isn't aimed at any individual) want to do, you're an adult, immerse yourself in shit relationships if it makes you happy on some level. Don't bring kids into it, though.

I'd rather be single parent, I'd rather walk out of a 5 bed mansion and live in a 2 bed council flat that tolerate some of the crap others do.

The days of leaving a bad relationship and walking into a council flat are, in many parts of the UK, long gone. Instead it will be temporary accommodation such as described in this article, and not just for a short period of time. There's a desperate shortage of affordable housing in the UK. The article refers to rampant serious crimes. Attempted murders, sexual assaults, drug dealing, thefts, robberies and violence.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/british-slum-estate-thats-like-31775807

Do you seriously think that's any safer or better than an abusive relationship even when there's violence? It's just as bad, if not worse.

Also, MN is full of threads where women have left very abusive relationships but are forced by court orders to hand their kids over to their ex for unsupervised contact.

I don't think posters should advise against leaving when there's abuse but many refuse to understand why some women don't feel able to. You'll see countless threads where vulnerable women in desperate situations post looking for support but get jumped on when they mention why LTB isn't so easy. Many never come back to their thread, which is so sad as sometimes they have nowhere else to turn for support. Instead of blaming the women, look at society and the failing support systems. If we want women to be safe, we need society to provide better support.

I'd rather be single parent, I'd rather walk out of a 5 bed mansion and live in a 2 bed council flat that tolerate some of the crap others do.

• good luck getting that council flat..

Please read it again
Clearly states some will tell others to LTB but they wont leave their own.
There is nothing more I can say as it is very clear what the FM was saying and I am say
I'll let you have the last word

It was my post you were quoting, and no it didn't say that at all. You have completely misread it. It said that (in my opinion), it's women who are single and in happy relationships who advise OPs to 'LTB'.

It then said that posters who say that 'MN is too LTB' (i.e. posters who think MNers are too harsh and ready to tell people to LTB) are often women in bad relationships themselves. They DON'T tell other posters to LTB, because they want to kid themselves their own partner's behaviour isn't bad enough to warrant leaving them.

What we do do and that is NOT to slag off our OH to anyone and everyone at every given opputuinty.

How do you know your wife doesn't slag you off to her friends when you've had a row, or are going through a rough patch?

Unless she doesn't have any friends, but then she'd be more likely to slag you off on an internet forum if she wanted to get it off her chest.

Completely agree, I’ve recently just joined MN an I am shocked at posts I’ve been reading. The lack of empathy for posters looking for advice and support is shocking to say the least. Why do women not leave because women who can and are capable of leaving need the right circumstances and support to do so in a lot of cases. A good majority of people who cheat are also abusing the person. This destroys faith in themselves and when they look for advice and receive blame, faith in others. It’s never black and white. Usually a persons self worth is critically diminished in a cheating relationship that’s also abusive this creates self doubt and this is used against the person. Very sensitive situation and should be handled accordingly. It takes tons of courage to reach out and online can be a starting point to leaving, in supportive circumstances. So it’s very sad to see victim blaming responses here.

Maybe some posters do that,

I've been a single mum since my DC were 2.6 and 8 months old, their 8 and almost 10 now. One is autistic/ADHD the other ADHD.

I fled DV when they were babies and I frequently find myself telling people to LTB on here.

We're not rich, life is definetly stressful somtimes, but I'd rather the life and love we have for each other than an abusive man in our home. And I think every single woman and child deserve that. It's a shame for so many, that financies and loneliness is what keeps them in these horrible relationships

Edited to add

I moved 50 miles away from my hometown, moved to a town where I didnt know a soul. I've built us a really nice life, found out we were all ND this year ( myself included )

I get the fear, It took me years to leave. I was only 25 when I left too. But it is so sad that so many women/children dont have the life and love they deserve.

Which is a reasonable set up but the point of a financially abusive relationship is that one party is NOT reasonable. Abusive arses are, by definition, unfair to their partners. There's no level playing field in those circumstances and normal rules don't apply.

Blimey, this thread is 9 months old.

I'd forgotten all about this OP.

Also forgot I made this user name 😁

Well yes people would act differently in a certain situation because emotional investment can turn people into fools.

It does not make their advice inaccurate when looking at a situation dispassionately.

Love that username!