Is it just too easy to say "leave him" on forums?

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I've read/glanced at dozens of daily posts where other FM's "LEAVE HIM"

When I worked and I worked or around 15 years at one place, the number of times I heard work colleagues say, "if that happend to me, I leave him"
Sadly as the years rolled on and with the aid of social media etc, those flirting from home on their laptops/mobile smartphones took the flirt to the next level. Some were caught out

I vividly recall the day a manger of mine burst out in tears at her desk in her office and close mates went to comfort her. I did not ask why she was crying etc but wished her well. I later learned her husband had been cheating on her. Now, this was a one of a group of people that often blurted out at the first sign of relationship woes by saying "I'd kick him out"

Guess, what she never did kick him out - he actually left on his own accord a few months later and the manger had a nervous breakdown. The DH returned after a few months and she accepted him

She was one of several that chatted like that ie "leave him" and then it happened to another member of staff - her partner of many years was cheating but guess what, she never left him

IMO, many posters that constantly bang on about "leave him" would take a very different view if the boot was on the other foot. IMO, its not constructive to blurt that out and does an OP no favours. Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not. Some may need a bit of help to fully appreciate what's going on but to constantly blurt out "leave him" on forums IMO is not helpful in most threads. Yes, many will disagree but IMO it need to be stated. (I, for the first time yesterday posted "leave him" and IMO, from the posts I read and IMO that was the way forward but we all know the OP will decide for themselves.

FYI: If I posted her about a friend saying x/y/z re their OH, dont forget you only have one side of a story and this needs to probed and IMO and I've seen it here, OP's at times feel that they have overstated the problems as they were ticked off. However, there are people in relationships where it is best for them to part and FM's do help them decide re way forward, next steps, choices/help etc.

AIBU to feel like that?

Read my subsequent posts re sharing/pooling all wages, one wage into their accounts 50/50 and paying bills/costs 50/50

That’s about having money to spend when you’re in a marriage though.
The problem is after the separation you no longer have access to your ExH’s salary unless he decided to continue splitting it with you 50:50, which is highly unlikely. Instead you will get CMS until the children leave home and otherwise have to live off your salary alone (which may be considerably lower than your ExDH’s especially if you abandoned your career/took your foot off the gas pedal to support his career).

I think the bar is extremely low for men and when in a relationship, with all of its ties, it can be hard to see how badly treated you are.

I left my husband of 20 years after a couple of years on these threads. Was amazing to see similar situations to mine being explained and the shocked reaction of other women.
Helped me to really understand what was going on.
I read books that were recommended and yes I even ‘got my ducks in a row’.

Have been delightfully single ever since and am very happy.

So no, I have not ever seen a scenario where a LTB wasn’t deserved and I have only handed it a few, never lightly.

I do think on occasion there is judgement on a poster who is clearly in an abusive relationship who doesn’t declare they will immediately leave.
This situation is very nuanced and if you haven’t been there is very easy to get frustrated with the lack of action.

Generally, the threads are of great help to people who need advice and all of the lurkers relating.

There are a number of practical considerations to consider if you’re planning to leave/separate. Finances are key. If you have joint accounts, they need to be disentangled. Savings too. It sounds straightforward to decide to sell the joint house, but it really isn’t. It can be a lengthy process and the market isn’t a good one for selling just now.

That's all irrelevant if there is abuse though. In that case, you need to gather what you can and get out.

Interesting you blame phones and social media, whereas most research suggests that people are having less sex and that Gen Z with their heavy tech use are most impacted by this.

'The internet help build a more meaningful and decfietl relationship. I knew of people at work why snet the other risky pics - what do you think happend after the pair dared each other with risky pics - yes, when they mat at work or agreed place they cheated on their OH. So yes, in part I am blaming the internet/mobile phones and social media'

Then we will have to disagree OP. People have been cheating since marriage was invented. I prefer to lay the blame where is is deserved, at the door of the person who took the perfectly conscious decision to lie.

I'm afraid 'the internet made me do it.' doesn't cut any ice with me. 😀

I think that you are right but, over the years, the more I read the ‘relationship’ board, the more I see the opening post is just the tip of the iceberg.

But I am also surprised how much misery people are prepared to put up with in return for a financially comfortable lifestyle.

I'm a financial adviser. We have separate accounts mainly because husband cannot save for toffee and the house is tenants in common to ensure that our children get our share (we have none together). Life gets messy though, doesn't it.

You've misunderstood me. The internet/mobiles/social media and an extra aid that facilitates a decefult relationship than may have otherwise happened before the advent, massive take of the intern/mobiles/soc media in England

Of course it’s too easy. Those shouting LTB haven’t got to deal with the outcomes.😗

OP, have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Do you know how abusive people think? You have given advice on a thread today where the H is, to those of us with experience of it, clearly being abusive. I appreciate you value marriage highly and don't want to see people walking away from one rather than doing the work, but with abusers, it doesn't matter how much work you do, how much sitting down and taking and putting in boundaries, you will not stop them being abusive because they think their abusive behaviour is normal.

A lot of people on the relationships threads here say LTB because we have done it and know how much better our lives were for it.

I think it's hard to understand if you've always been in a basically good marriage, though. You think of rocky patches and the fact that you got through it and had a stronger marriage for it. But most people posting on here are desperate. They don't have normal marriages. The relationships board is not representative of marriages in the UK. It is heavily skewed to the worst relationships in the UK.

OP your posts seem fixated on cheating. Posters will tell an OP to leave him for other reasons too. Abuse of all types is common - physical, mental, financial, emotional. And many OPs experiencing such abuse know that they're unhappy but often post because they feel it's their fault. Some well thought out posts explaining how they're being abused, telling them they don't have to put up with it and encouraging the OP to leave might not produce immediate results. I doubt anyone being told to LTB on a thread slaps their forehead, packs a bag and is out the door before you can say OP. But being told that the behaviour is unacceptable, and bad enough to leave over, often opens their eyes to their situation when before posting they were so used to it they couldn't actually see what was happening. You see it as threads progress, the scales falling from the OP's eyes.

And as for cheating - to some people it is a deal breaker, a line too far that has been crossed.

Leaving is not easy. There are financial issues, child custody issues, housing issues to consider. But if being told to LTB starts a process of reflection which results in a determination to change things (and which may stop short of leaving) then the jolt it gives is worth it.

Of course there are keyboard warriors who ascribe to the do as I say not as I do approach. But they are usually in a minority.

The advice of 'LTB' is often completely correct.

That's what should happen.

Reality means that financial reasons, kids, lack of confidence etc stop the correct decision being made.

Some of the absolute arseholes you read about on here though..not just the cheats and the abusers...but the lazy, stupid , selfish idiots that are grinding women down day after day...you just know women would be better off without them.

It's more often that the man makes the woman financially dependent on him. Particularly when it's abuse. Many women were financially independent but often abuse only starts when there's a life event (commonly pregnancy or illness) that impacts her ability to maintain that independence.

Of course women experiencing abuse should be able to leave but it's not as easy as some LTB posters seem to think. Particularly in the current climate of underfunded services and the rising cost of living. I don't think posters should tell women in those situations not to leave but it's awful to see some posts where a very vulnerable woman is asking for support but gets jumped on for being too scared to leave, often because of very valid practical concerns.

I think it’s well-meaning advice but it ignores the fact that far too many women make themselves financially dependent on a man and are essentially trapped

Yes, but whenever a joint finances thread comes up- anyone with their own personal bank account gets told they must not trust or love their partner!!

You cant bloody win on MN

What evidence do you have about "its often correct""

The thing that you realise when you do finally LTB is that it life is actually so much better when you are on your own. When you realise that you are more than capable of all the things society/your parents/ your ex/ yourself told you that you couldn't do without a man/relationship. That knowing is absolutely bloody priceless.

Yes I am dating and looking for a possible future relationship. But I know now that my existence does not depend on it. And if I never find another one, I am still happy.

Short post but very balanced IMO

When a person leaves their BB they could end up in a new relationship that looked great until they moved in together and it could be 12 times worse that what it was before.

A friend of a friend often slagged off her DH for being "lazy, working all of the time, not spending enough time wth their kid, he is a bore does not want to go ot" and so on. It could be DH was like that as he was working regualalry 60/70 hour week and paying the mortgage, paying for the two cars, nice clothes, 2 proper hols a year, wifes gym mebership etc etc - but oh no, DW was adamant the DH was all of those. You cant win

Glad to hear it but you may be a rare case. Its more difficult when you have kids and your own home, IMO

I have two kids and my own home HTH.

Sadly I think it’s often the right advice and isn’t followed often enough.

I do accept that finances are an understandable reason why people try to work through a poor relationship though, but isn’t it sad that we have to compromise in this way?

there was a thread a few months ago about why celebrity marriages never last. The consensus was because they don’t need to put up with substandard relationship as there’s
enough money to buy two lovely homes and support themselves

Re "celebrity marriages not lasting as they have money to buy..."

How about Me W Rooney & wife

They were always a love match, together as kids before he was famous. He's been a pig in the past but he seems to have learned from it...fame and fortune were never the basis of their relationship.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator obviously not all celebrity marriages.

but the one discussed was Rhys Witherspoon dumping husband no 3.

perhaps Colleen Rooney felt he was still the key to her celebrity lifestyle? I’m sure RW didn’t suffer from cutting loose her less famous husband.

@NonPlayerCharacter or that’s a more generous and probably accurate reading of that marriage.

I still think she should have left him though. She’s too good for him!