Is it just too easy to say "leave him" on forums?

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I've read/glanced at dozens of daily posts where other FM's "LEAVE HIM"

When I worked and I worked or around 15 years at one place, the number of times I heard work colleagues say, "if that happend to me, I leave him"
Sadly as the years rolled on and with the aid of social media etc, those flirting from home on their laptops/mobile smartphones took the flirt to the next level. Some were caught out

I vividly recall the day a manger of mine burst out in tears at her desk in her office and close mates went to comfort her. I did not ask why she was crying etc but wished her well. I later learned her husband had been cheating on her. Now, this was a one of a group of people that often blurted out at the first sign of relationship woes by saying "I'd kick him out"

Guess, what she never did kick him out - he actually left on his own accord a few months later and the manger had a nervous breakdown. The DH returned after a few months and she accepted him

She was one of several that chatted like that ie "leave him" and then it happened to another member of staff - her partner of many years was cheating but guess what, she never left him

IMO, many posters that constantly bang on about "leave him" would take a very different view if the boot was on the other foot. IMO, its not constructive to blurt that out and does an OP no favours. Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not. Some may need a bit of help to fully appreciate what's going on but to constantly blurt out "leave him" on forums IMO is not helpful in most threads. Yes, many will disagree but IMO it need to be stated. (I, for the first time yesterday posted "leave him" and IMO, from the posts I read and IMO that was the way forward but we all know the OP will decide for themselves.

FYI: If I posted her about a friend saying x/y/z re their OH, dont forget you only have one side of a story and this needs to probed and IMO and I've seen it here, OP's at times feel that they have overstated the problems as they were ticked off. However, there are people in relationships where it is best for them to part and FM's do help them decide re way forward, next steps, choices/help etc.

AIBU to feel like that?

It's true they were together before he was famous, and a love match. I saw the documentary about the libel case against Rebekah Vardy; I'm aware you only see what they want you to see but they did seem very much in love. No excuse for his past behaviour but it isn't always insurmountable; some couples can get past it. I suspect he went a bit nuts from the attention because let's be honest, he looks like a potato and isn't the sharpest tool in the box (although he's a world class footballer)...he probably knew how much he was punching with all the inevitable female attention after he got famous, couldn't believe his luck and just couldn't control himself. Like a starving man who suddenly finds himself in an all you can eat buffet.

She obviously didn't think it was worth leaving over and she has to decide what's best for her and their family. They do seem happy.

It all depends on your starting point.

I dont need my husband. I have a good job, small mortgage, easy child, friends and family, and I like my own company. If he left tomorrow I'd be fine.

I've lived and travelled alone and know I like it so theres no downside to me LTB other than missing him which I know gets easier.

Others who are financially dependent and isolated from friends and family are in much much different circumstances. I crawled out of that hole once and so I can sleep at night knowing when I say LTB I mean it.

I feel sincere empathy for the women who have kids with shit dads who worry about staying because the relationship is damaging the kids but know leaving him means he might have unsupervised access to do worse.

My advice is what I would probably do, stay and plot revenge…I would find leaving a financial inconvenience. Rather be widowed than divorced anyway. Never see advice that relates to the way I think, it’s always a bit vanilla. I must be strange.

I've never seen this

YABU on two counts. Firstly, MN is absolutely full of threads where the OP should absolutely leave her arsehole husband or partner. In general I'd say women's bars are too low, not too high. Secondly, yes of course it's easier to say 'leave' than to do it, but that doesn't mean responding posters shouldn't say 'leave' if that's what they think. It's not as if the OP is going to be expecting everyone's opinion to be accompanied by a full list of how to go about it. It's a forum, not a marriage counselling service.

My lovely SIL rants about her DP, my BIL. How he treats her, what he says to her, what he’s lied about, what job he’s lost now. He is DH’s DB.

The truth is, he’s an utter arse, and she needs to LTB, but it’s a charged thing to say in a family situation, as she then starts defending him and it gets awkward, so I’m not as direct as I should be.

Strangers will give you the truth.

I think a lot of women say leave him because it’s really what they want to do themselves regarding their own relationship, but for whatever reason they can’t or won’t.

Fwiw, I did leave (I was very young), I’m forever grateful I didn’t stay and we never had children. I left and never went back. Best thing I did, even though I had nothing it was better than staying in a violent horrible relationship.

Surprised at an OP who reads Mumsnet enough to complain we all shout 'leave him' at the first opportunity, but doesn't know what 'LTB' means ..,

I think a lot of women say leave him because it’s really what they want to do themselves regarding their own relationship, but for whatever reason they can’t or won’t.

Really? I often get the opposite impression- that the women saying 'leave him' are either single or in good relationships and are baffled and horrified by what some women put up with from men.

Whereas I often get the impression that the women saying that MN is too 'LTB' are doing so defensively because they are in denial about how bad their own partner is, and they realise that if they agree that the OP should LTB, then they themselves should also LTB and they don't want to think about that.

Why do you think she is staying on.? Could it be that she goes OTT when describing your BiLs weaknesses/etc?

Could it be that she may be in part respoisble and you only get one side of the story?

Could it be she puts on an act to be really nice when with others?

You don't know 100% what is going on and that is a fact

Is she so far gone she could not stand on her own two feet and has no family support?

Have her parents or sibblings not told her to leave?

So, what is it that makes her stay in such as nast realtionship as you make it out to be?

NB: Please do not attack me as I'm just rasing questions.

FYI, I can be ulter nice in front of people and am but its not the real me as the real me does say stuff, tit for tat and more at times but not in front of others

So what is keeping her there?? Could it be that she knows she has a tendency to complain? Does he control her, beat her up physically/emotionally/financially/etc/etc - if that is the case why are all of you saying nothing and why is she staying as I cant see why she is staying as she has support unless she knows she goes ott with her comments about her nasty, little B of a so-called DH??

So its double standards?
Would you listen to anyone with double standards??
I would not!
Hundreds of "LTB" comments daily and if going by what you said, why dont they leave? Surely, the majoirty must have family/support/work/money/etc, so why not leave?

FYI: We've talked about leaving the other and still do as we arge and arguments are often two way things .Do we leave the other, simple answer is no. What we do do and that is NOT to slag off our OH to anyone and everyone at every given opputuinty.

Indeed, there are marriages where the person is being mistreated and they dont leave as they have not family/sspupport etc but my thread is about these "LTB" on almost every realtionship thread

Yes, easier said than done and in my OP, I've detailed what I have seen about women that chatted they would LTB is they did "this, that and the other" but come the big day, they dont. Just proves its easier said than done

Surely, the majoirty must have family/support/work/money/etc, so why not leave?

You clearly haven't been here long and haven't more than glanced at the threads on the relationships board.

Can you explain what you mean by double standards? Because my reading of the message you quoted is that PP is saying different people react in different ways. I don't see double standards there.

OP, please reread this post I wrote yesterday. It might help you get to grips with the fact that the relationships you have observed in real life are not representative of the relationships discussed on here.

Read the post I quote its all in there.

If it's all there then please help me see it

Fair in enough as I aim to please
Read the last paragraph and if you still dont get it I'll spell it out for you.

My first post on this thread about why LTB was the right advice in my situation was to your OP. This post was solely aimed at CroftonWillow who asked why you would take advice from mumsnet rather than friends or family. Sorry for any confusion

I agree with this. I came here for advice last year. I wanted to leave my controlling husband but didn’t qualify for UC because of a rental property he and I own. I was met with horrible comments and called a CF for asking for UC when I own a rental (a mortgaged rental that just about wipes its face but has £30k of equity) as if I could just take out the equity over night. I only work part time and earn £200 more than the average rent for a 2-bed in my area. I can’t go full time where I am and I get to work from home in school hols. I have struggled to find a full time job that would be in line with wraparound care. DS won’t give up any equity in our rental or home unless court ordered to do so. I am literally stuck until I can save more. I can’t even afford my own car!

This

Worth looking at how you'd cope if he died

This is why you shouldn't take any notice of what people say on here, it's just random people posting what they think. You wouldn't sit on a bus or train asking randoms what they think, it's no different.

The insurance would pay both mortgages with money to spare and I’d get half a mil from his company.

Well Christ, that’s tempting isn’t it…

There ain't no way, no how that I would tolerate being in some of the situations that posters on MN say they're in. Nope nope nope.

I'd rather be single parent, I'd rather walk out of a 5 bed mansion and live in a 2 bed council flat that tolerate some of the crap others do.

You have one round on this planet, time is short, living in misery is not something I'll accept in exchange for having another person around or for the sake of having a big house or for the sake of having a higher income.

So yes.
If you're with someone making your life miserable. Walk out the door. It's that easy...
Unless there's violence involved etc . Then the old, Ducks in a row, comes to mind.

I can't understand anyone that would choose to remain in misery because they fear what may or may not come after splitting with the source of that misery. You'll reach your death bed without ever living.

Splitting bills 50/50 ignores the fact that statistically womens jobs pay less and that they take on the greater burden of care work

Ive seen far too many threads on here where women are having to fund their 50% of the bills out of saving when they are on maternity leave and are expected to work part time after because their partners wont pay 50% towards childcare yet the woman is still expected to pay 50% towards bills

Blithely assuming that 50/50 stops financially abusive relationships and removes barriers to leaving is somewhat naive tbh

But then you also suggested pooling income so I dont think 50/50 is actually what you mean at all but your posts are never particularly clear or articulate