Is it just too easy to say "leave him" on forums?

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I've read/glanced at dozens of daily posts where other FM's "LEAVE HIM"

When I worked and I worked or around 15 years at one place, the number of times I heard work colleagues say, "if that happend to me, I leave him"
Sadly as the years rolled on and with the aid of social media etc, those flirting from home on their laptops/mobile smartphones took the flirt to the next level. Some were caught out

I vividly recall the day a manger of mine burst out in tears at her desk in her office and close mates went to comfort her. I did not ask why she was crying etc but wished her well. I later learned her husband had been cheating on her. Now, this was a one of a group of people that often blurted out at the first sign of relationship woes by saying "I'd kick him out"

Guess, what she never did kick him out - he actually left on his own accord a few months later and the manger had a nervous breakdown. The DH returned after a few months and she accepted him

She was one of several that chatted like that ie "leave him" and then it happened to another member of staff - her partner of many years was cheating but guess what, she never left him

IMO, many posters that constantly bang on about "leave him" would take a very different view if the boot was on the other foot. IMO, its not constructive to blurt that out and does an OP no favours. Indeed guide, ask question but trust me, all OP's are capable of deciding if to leave their OH or not. Some may need a bit of help to fully appreciate what's going on but to constantly blurt out "leave him" on forums IMO is not helpful in most threads. Yes, many will disagree but IMO it need to be stated. (I, for the first time yesterday posted "leave him" and IMO, from the posts I read and IMO that was the way forward but we all know the OP will decide for themselves.

FYI: If I posted her about a friend saying x/y/z re their OH, dont forget you only have one side of a story and this needs to probed and IMO and I've seen it here, OP's at times feel that they have overstated the problems as they were ticked off. However, there are people in relationships where it is best for them to part and FM's do help them decide re way forward, next steps, choices/help etc.

AIBU to feel like that?

It’s very easy to tell a stranger on the internet that they should leave their partner - it’s along the same lines as telling someone to move to a bigger house if they don’t have room to host their in laws or take in ironing to afford a fancy holiday. A lot of what goes on here is nonsense.

Similarly, if someone claims to be an expert / professional and gives advice, assume it’s probably unsafe. Real professionals have it drummed into them that advice they dole out for free is not covered by insurance.

I struggle to understand why anyone would seek advice from strangers on the internet about any important personal issues.

I struggle to understand how some people put one foot in front of the other without posting on MN, are people really so wimpish or are they fond of creative writing?

Leave The Bastard/Bitch , it can be a unisex bit of advice though the former is the most usual!

I think some posters do fling around ‘LTB’ quite easily and sometimes the OP is just venting/letting off steam, but sometimes the reason they’re posting is because deep down they know things are quite miserable and they don’t want to live that way anymore - and writing out why and seeing the reaction from others helps solidify those feelings.

Of course sometimes it’s more the case that they’d benefit from communicating better with their partner or they need counselling to help them address issues, rather than leaving. But every situation is different and there’s no one size fits all answer. I do read some threads though where the OP is clearly exhausted and is so used to mistreatment that they can’t see how bad it’s gotten and I do wish they’d leave.

Obviously leaving isn’t always an option when you take into account finances, children, support, or if the partner is abusive and has potential to escalate that abuse of OP leaves. It’s not clear cut even if it’s the right option.

So, that's actually NOT what she said. She said that finding her easy situation was difficult for her, so she thought highly of single parents who have to do all themselves.

I agree her post was beyond ignorant though

I suppose it comes down to how the 'cheated on' person has organised their life. I've never relied on a man financially because that's such a risk. It makes the woman so vulnerable and I refuse to put myself in that position. Obviously I do understand that financially that can be very hard,.

First time I was cheated on, I was living with boyfriend in his house but had just bought a wreck that I was going to do up. I found out he was cheating at 7.30am when the OW texted him to say it was over, and I happened to be driving his car to get a pint of milk at the time. He'd left his phone on the front seat. I packed and was gone by the time he came home from work that evening. Dumped by two women on the same day 😁

When ds' dad let us down, years later, I was living in his house because my ex-employer had made me redundant first morning back from maternity leave so I'd had to sell my house because I couldn't pay my mortgage. So I had nowhere to go. But that was the day I knew we were over, and I knew I was leaving. That day I started applying for jobs in my home town 90 miles away. It took me 3 months but DS and I left.

Personally I'd never ever stay with a cheater because trust is gone, and you know they are shabby, second rate, and will do it again.

Really - I think you've been here plenty long enough to know what LTB means, and you have also have started a post about it...

I agree it is very easy to say compared to enact. However with clear eyes based on only the information given, it is often the only response I would want to give. I often don't post because I know it's likely to be out of whack with the balance of whatever is stopping them from coming to the decision themselves. However, I won't have the full picture so can only go on 'is this acceptable to me?'. Even if they are in a position where they can't immediately leave, I think it can be useful to build a picture of how others would feel.

Because it is usually one of the first arguments made on these threads - "plenty of fish in the sea", "you'll find someone who appreciated you" etc.

Incredible, thanks

The other thing I see repeated over and over, related to this, is the number of women who say 'I should have left him years earlier'.

So perhaps LTB is the best advice to give, because it raises the suggestion. It creates the thought in the woman's head, makes her realise that it would be a completely reasonable thing to do, and she starts to consider it as a possibility.

The sooner that happens, the sooner she will get through the 24 months of hesitating, final decision-making, getting ducks in a row and then actually leaving.

Good post, "build up a picture how others see it"

True but I'm on about those that rant "leave..."

Sadly, marriage splits, long term relations splits appears to be getting more and more common and kids suffer

Think re my work days as i left work years ago early ret - going to peoples houses, almost every day i met people that had 2/4 kids where rarely with the same OH. Yes, possibly those seeking a service from us were having housing probs etc but it does stick in my mind

IMO, before splitting up and if the OH is not dangerous, couples should sperate and see how the felt away from the other. I'm not talking about the cheats from both sides that blame they slept with another on bein "drunk." I am referring to people who have lived together for a while have kids and the strain of paying the mortgage, work, family etc gets them into the vicious circle of point-scoring and arguments

I also feel that many these days find it easy to dee the greener grass on the other side on the hill.

I do blame social media in part for the number of people splitting up

I would expect there will be many who say it but wouldn’t do it. Isn’t that life though. It’s way to give advice. Not always easy to follow your own advice though. That goes for everything not just relationships.

However, many of the people saying actually have LTB. They are under no illusions about how hard it is, what it actually means. I think some of the times when it seems over trivial stuff, it’s because those people can see it’s seemingly small but it causes huge issues or it’s a sign of controlling or abusive behaviour.

I genuinely don’t think cheating is a small thing. I don’t think anyone would be unreasonable to say ltb when there’s been cheating. A family where the partner are divorced isn’t the worst thing. Of course some people make it work after an affair. But often it’s years of distress, mistrust, resentment, anger, upset, stress etc. That all has a massive impact on kids.

Coming out the other side and being a good couple, doesn’t mean it was the right thing or that it hasn’t impacted the children. So many people are negatively impacted by their parents messed up marriages.

But I do also you think you don’t know if you would leave until you have been there. And been in the same position as the person you are recommending leave.

Also, just because someone advises it then doesn’t do it themselves, doesn’t actually mean the advice was bad or wrong.

I posted on here under a different name and was told to LTB. Was the best advice I’ve ever been given. For me my relationship had numerous small issues- none of which to me warranted leaving him over, but they were making me desperately unhappy. It might be easy for people to say and hard to do, but that doesn’t necessarily make it bad advice.

Leaving is so complex, not just financially and logistically but also financially.

I've always kept myself financially independent and therefore the 2 times I had a requirement to up and leave I did, but I understand why it takes some a long time and others never do.

I disagree, there is usually a common theme with cheating/abusive relationship type threads that the OP is ashamed/embarrassed/doesn't want to make it real by telling family or friends/doesn't want family & friends to judge the H. Or they've been isolated from family & friends by their H (common abused tactic)
It's also much easier to say stuff anonymously than to people IRL

Exactly.

OP, I don't see how social media is to blame at all.

Are you suggesting the tiktok or facebook encourage one partner to get it on with someone else? Persuades them that actually it's OK?T hat everyone does it? I think that's a very naive view.

Rather, it's down to them having no commitment, no decency, no honesty. Being selfish and putting themselves first without any consideration for their actions will affect those they claim to (but clearly don't) love.

We've all been in relationships that have run their natural course. Anyone with any integrity simply tells the other party that it's over and separates openly.

It's really not difficult !!

when I posted here about my relationship I wouldn’t have spoken to family or friends about the issue. I had numerous worries 1) that they would be outraged on my behalf and have a go at him, or if I decided not to leave him they wouldn’t have forgiven him and I’d have to live with them causing an atmosphere. 2) that they would give me the usual “you can do better” which family have to say and I didn’t know whether that statement was objectively true. 3) I didnt want gossip going around about my relationship, and 4) I didn’t want it getting back to him that I was thinking about leaving- he was financially abusive and it would’ve made things logistically very difficult- I didn’t want well meaning friends trying to “fix” things

Very valid point. I strongly suggest that if it works for you, have seprate acounts and if only one of you work, then split the money 50/50 as marriage is a joint enterprise.Share the expanses 50/50

With property price at almost record highs or close to it where we live, one of the factors people worry about is where they can afford to live as most have lived in a nice house/area and when whats left after the mortgae is split, most can barely buy a flat in a rubbish area

For us, married a long time we just have joint accounts joint everyhting for donkeys years and wehn both of us left work, we merged even our current accounts as it was easier for both of us

if you are newly married//partnership etc - if one or both work and one earns more or less - share the money 50/50 and the expenses - so if you have to split, at leaset you have money of your own

Valid post However, not everyone is in your position at the time of posting.

I fully agree with the questions easier to ask strangers, I do it all of the time but my point is as per my OP

I think it’s well-meaning advice but it ignores the fact that far too many women make themselves financially dependent on a man and are essentially trapped.

So a post of just a few words is an ‘excellent post’ just because she agrees with you?

Hilarious 😂

Yes it is, but given the vast majority of women won't even when it's downright dangerous not to, it doesn't worry me. I don't believe MN is responsible for any flood of women leaving their happy, stable marriages. They are far more likely to quit MN for telling them stuff they don't want to hear.

Thank you

I blame the advent of the cheap mobile phones, internet and then smart phones

People have done and will always will air their OH's perceived short-falls to work mates, People will say to a workmate, "you are so nice i wish my oh is like that."
Its easier to be nice at work

Back to scoial media/net - the flirting that went on at work often ended there, fact A fact, these days with the help of texting/skyping etc etc, men and women will say stuff they would not say face to face. If they something like that was from the next level of flirting as they chatted away on mobile texting/chats etc - and the repsonse was "YOU WHAT" theyd easily lol it off. However, the bantter can slowly and easily move to sexy stuff and both then understand the need to try it out. As i said the days before the net - most people in factories, retail. offices may have had limited chats and not get the chance to take things further. The internet help build a more meaningful and decfietl relationship. I knew of people at work why snet the other risky pics - what do you think happend after the pair dared each other with risky pics - yes, when they mat at work or agreed place they cheated on their OH. So yes, in part I am blaming the internet/mobile phones and social media