Would you be offended by this message?

[Purplevioletsherbert]

Two new friends, have known each other a few months and have seen each other socially a couple of times. Both going through a bit of a tricky time.

Friend A has called Friend B a couple of times, B hasn’t answered but usually texts within a few minutes to check in and see if A is ok. After the last time this happened yesterday, B made a comment about not really being a phone call kind of person.

This evening B text A asking how they are and said “I’m gunna call in five mins” to give them a heads up rather than calling out of the blue.

B sent this response:

“Hiya, currently in the middle of settling DC into bed, and pretty exhausted myself from work. As I said the other day I really don't do phone calls, I find even when it's my close family they cause me lots of stress. How are you doing?xx”

Would you find this response rude? Is B just brushing off A?

No, it's not rude.

I'm deaf and can't be doing with talking on the phone. It's draining, although I understand that some people find texting hard work.

I hate voice memos too.

I hate the phone, and don't want to spend my evenings listening to someone else offload.

A is wrong. A already knows B doesn't like to speak on the phone, so has two options, respect that, or decide they don't want to be friends with someone who won't speak on the phone. What A doesn't have the right to do is ignore Bs wishes and try to insist they speak. If A is now offended at Bs message they've brought it on themselves.

We're heading towards a place where people who like chatting all the time need to find other people who like chatting all the time, rather than forcing themselves on to people who would prefer not to be pestered. Sounds like a good thing to me.

Some people love a chat. Some people don't. This has always been the case. It's just that people who don't like to chat much are now a lot more at ease with being open about that. We have a lot more choice and control over the way we communicate now, and that is a good thing. If you like chatting on the phone, that's fine. You just need to chat with other people who like chatting on the phone, rather than badgering people who don't enjoy it because you think your preferences are more important than theirs.

Have you tried voice notes. Best of both worlds. Don't need to be immediately responded to but easier to communicate than having to type everything out.

Also I wouldn't think you were rude at all. Different strokes

This is the rude bit - I’m gunna call in five mins”

Anyone who uses the word 'gunna' should be shot but aside from that it's pure arrogance on their part.

I would have texted back 'Don't' and not answered her call.

Agreed, there are ways to get a message across without being too harsh on the recipient. It's difficult to discern whether Friend As reason for calling was due to some crisis and needing to talk to a friend, or just a random call for a chat.

if it's the former (a crisis) then it could have been "sorry I'm really maxed out with the kids and feeling exhausted, can I call you at x time just so I can get things sorted here".

if it's the latter (random chit chat) then I would have waited until you can either call or see the person and can explain the reality of your life and that random calls are difficult when you're spinning all the plates in the air at the same time.
come to a reasonable compromise about how to stay in touch as friends.

Nothing wrong with it. I have a pal who doesn't do phones. So on the rare occasion she rings, I know it's urgent and needs my complete attention.

If someone says they don't do phones and the other person persists, then I know who I would say was the rude one.

Nothing weird about it. Loads of people hate calls. My idea of hell is video calls, lol!
Just keep chatting by text and meet face to face for proper chats. Some would just blank the call and not even further explain. You did say before you don't like calls so they should've paid heed to that the first time!

I hate phone calls too OP. I have a particular relative who is very chatty and will try ringing, then texts me to say they have called…..

It is not rude it is setting a boundary, or clarifying as you already set it. A is being quite rude trying to ignore or circumvent the boundary.

The only rude person is A who insisted on telling B she was going to call despite B saying she doesnt like calls.

I'm the same, it is too time consuming and everything else needs to be dropped

No it's not rude. It's great she explained the situation, so you could continue the conversation via messages instead of calling. If she's putting children to bed, then answers a call it's going to wake them up. They'll want to know if it's daddy/who she's talking to. Or she might have to sit with them for a while, while they drop off.

A sounds like a drainer tbh

Communication has been evolving ever since humans learned how to do it - and there will always be benefits and drawbacks to various methods.

My grandparents didn’t have a telephone until they were rehoused at the age of 50. Their options prior to that were public phones (assuming the person they wanted to speak to had a phone) or to write a letter. Landlines becoming mainstream revolutionised communication - but how often have you heard people bemoan that no one writes letters anymore, they used to love getting a lovely long letter full of news… a nice bit of nostalgia, but it conveniently ignores the drawbacks of post vs the telephone when it comes to urgent news (for example).

When mobile phones first came to market, they were a luxury, and deemed useless by many (“Why can’t you just ring back later if they’re out?”). Ditto re: answering machines. But it’s easily forgotten what a pain it was if you got delayed, or were waiting for someone who had, and just had to hope for the best.

A lot of people didn’t see the point in text messaging when you could just call. The people who now miss lovely long phone calls are probably the same people who missed lovely long letters. But these calls could sometimes be weeks apart. There are people I speak to most days now via Messenger or WhatsApp who I wouldn’t have called daily. We communicate more often; just for less time.

Human interaction isn’t going to die out just because it’s changing.

I absolutely despise chit chat on the phone. If a friend tells me she or he needs to talk about something important / urgent and there's an actual relevant subject then fine but any "so what have you been up to" bullshit can fuck off. I actually once dated someone who kept calling me after I told him I wasn't one for phone calls. It didn't last long.

Face to face if there's a silence it's fine. One person can grab a drink or check their phone or you can just sit together and watch the world go by. A phone call is like a game of tennis, it's a constant back and forth exercise. Draining.

I hate talking on the phone but really like it when people text me. Don’t take it personally and keep going with the friendship.

It's not rude but unless you speak to someone regularly I'm not sure it's much of a friendship. If you see each other in person, all good, if it's just texts and meeting once a year, then I personally would bow out of the friendship because you can't have much depth of conversation in a text exchange - I may be showing my age there though!

I have a "friend" A.
I absolutely hate when she rings as she will literally talk for 45 mins-and it is always at a very inconvenient time but she doesn't care.
I can say I have to go or try and wrap it up and she is oblivious and just keeps talking.
She has been through a lot-which is why I have tried to stick around-but no one else really has which makes me feel more pressure.
My stomach sinks when I see it is her.
She is needy and exhausting and draining.
I am very happy to what's app.

I don't think Friend B is being rude-just honest and has some boundaries.
IMHO A is rude.

I get this. But I met her in December, have seen her at the group where we met about five times since and have seen her socially twice, with another plan in the works. So I’m not just seeing her once a year and then just texts in between.

And for what it’s worth, I probably only see my best friend once a year (long distance) and keep up our friendship of 18 years over text. So 🤷‍♀️

I think different things just work for different people. It would not work for me to text someone and only properly connect once a year but if that works for both you and your best friend then clearly there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like, even if A is someone who would find that a bit superficial and disconnected, that's not the only way you're connecting anyway. Either way she needs to accept that you don't want to talk on the phone and decide whether she wants to continue the friendship or not. She should not pressurise you to do something which does not work for you. You're allowed your own boundaries.

@StockpotSoup
Thanks for the mini lecture on communication. My point was that many people now ‘set boundaries” and simply don’t speak or hold a conversation.

Well surely that’s up to them? No one owes anyone a conversation.

I’ve felt like you during very stressful times. I really get it. Sometimes I can’t even construct a text message.

Theres a lot to get done in an evening for a regular working person without caring responsibilities so I don’t really get how people in this day and age still expect to be able to phone someone on a whim for a chat! I would never assume anyone is just lazing around ready to take my phone call.

No I don't think it's rude, it's clear and compassionate. Nobody is obliged to pick up a ringing phone. I'd appreciate the clarity if I got that and I'd also completely understand it. I think it uses a different part of your brain, texting can be reflective, phone calls less so