Would you be offended by this message?

[Purplevioletsherbert]

Two new friends, have known each other a few months and have seen each other socially a couple of times. Both going through a bit of a tricky time.

Friend A has called Friend B a couple of times, B hasn’t answered but usually texts within a few minutes to check in and see if A is ok. After the last time this happened yesterday, B made a comment about not really being a phone call kind of person.

This evening B text A asking how they are and said “I’m gunna call in five mins” to give them a heads up rather than calling out of the blue.

B sent this response:

“Hiya, currently in the middle of settling DC into bed, and pretty exhausted myself from work. As I said the other day I really don't do phone calls, I find even when it's my close family they cause me lots of stress. How are you doing?xx”

Would you find this response rude? Is B just brushing off A?

I don’t think it’s rude but I’d suspect the friendship has limited legs.

Not rude. She's having to be really direct though because A doesn't seem to get the message that she simply doesn't want to talk on the phone.

A should actually take heed. A wouldn't be good on the phone either because she doesn't listen.

I don't like chatting on phone either.

I would generally make time to chat with a friend or call back when it was more convenient for me.
However A sounds a bit needy and isn't picking up on the fact that B dislikes phone calls.
So even though I'm different to B, I can understand their point and don't think they've been rude. They've had to point out how they feel, as A wasn't getting it otherwise!

There are 6 people in the world that I am ok taking phone calls off. My husband, my kids and my sisters. That's it. I HATE taking on the phone, that five minute build up of actually waiting for the call would make me literally sick with anxiety. What are you calling about that you can't put in a text or wait until I see you next?

No not rude.

I mean, I don't do semaphore no matter how many times I'm asked. I don't see it as a red flag.

It’s fine, I sometimes prefer a phone call as opposed to endless messaging but my younger friends seem to want to message more. I can find it a bit intrusive having a message sitting there. So i can see both sides. Also sometimes it’s hard to talk with the amount of people in the house and doing stuff whereas you can message at your leisure.
if she wants to talk because she doesn’t like drawn out messaging or could struggle with writing a lot, can you suggest a face to face meet?

I don’t like phone calls, it’s just the way I am. I’ll talk to very close family as we live so far apart. My friends know that if I randomly call them the. Sometime is very wrong.

It’s fine.

if I was person A I would be so embarrassed that I had made a social mistake though and been pushy. But I don’t think I’d ever have sent that message once I’d heard that someone doesn’t want to speak on the phone anyway so….

I also can’t cope with phone calls in the evening. Far too tired. Have kids. Just need evening peace!

No I wouldn't I don't like talking on the phone I suppose it's a phobia and I don't know where it stemmed from but I don't even like to talk to family on the phone

I'd say good for B for sticking to their boundaries. I hate phone calls and avoid them at all costs. I have ADHD so do have social interaction difficulties which doesn't help. I much prefer text, email, pigeon post - anything rather than phone calls unless necessary.

No.
I hate them too. I just want to have a quiet evening after DD is down. Possibly shower, watch Netflix with DH. I don’t want to speak on the phone. If something bad has happened then I would obviously talk.

I don’t do phone calls at all. Not rude in the slightest.

It's not rude. It was rude to ignore the person's preferences and call anyway.

I can empathise with B. I don't like calls either and I've got a friend who tries to bloody FaceTime me when I'm in bed or at other inappropriate times.

Just text me fgs. I like to read the message, have a brief think about it then respond.

Could you arrange a time to call her instead? You could put a time limit on the call. Or if phone calls are out altogether, can you arrange to meet up? It's hard to maintain friendships if one person won't do their bit, and it sounds like you value this friend, so even if it's a half an hour to have a coffee and a chat, it sounds like it's worth the effort.

I much prefer communicating by Text. My sons, my DILs, my friends. Work colleagues. That's what we all seem to do. In fact if my phone rings and its one of my family or close friends, I worry something bad must have happened!!

Do you meet face to face ? If not, even occasionally, I don’t think I could be bothered with a text only friendship. I don’t phone my friends that often and do text but we also do see each other in real life sometimes.

I get it OP I have ADHD and hating phone calls is quite a common feature of this condition. My phone is always on silent, I only look at it and respond to messages when I feel like it. If someone has called me I text them saying 'sorry I missed your call what's up?' It wouldn't even occur to me to call them back because I hate to chat on the phone.

I don't like to talk on the phone unless l'm in the mood. All my friends know this. If you call out of the blue l won't answer. If you leave a message l won't listen to it.

We are permanently overstimulated. We live in a noisy, noisy world. Some of us need to minimise that where we can.

Phone calls are yet another intense focused activity on top of a full day. Messages can be managed alongside other things. The only person I do phone with is 85yr old DM.

Might it be a thing with ADHD then? Both of my sons have it and don’t do phone calls. If I call DS1 (24) he will ignore the call and text me “what’s up” DS2 (16) will answer but then tries to get me off the phone ASAP 😂

Yes I saw her a week ago and we are making plans for a weeks time too.

Its very common with ADHD so quite probably!

I have ADHD and autism so this doesn’t surprise me! My friend isn’t aware of this though so maybe I should tell her as it explains some of my difficulties.

Not rude, I think phone calls are rude. It's like interrupting whatever is going on. 'Talk to me now!'. I think that message is very nice actually.