Would you be offended by this message?

[Purplevioletsherbert]

Two new friends, have known each other a few months and have seen each other socially a couple of times. Both going through a bit of a tricky time.

Friend A has called Friend B a couple of times, B hasn’t answered but usually texts within a few minutes to check in and see if A is ok. After the last time this happened yesterday, B made a comment about not really being a phone call kind of person.

This evening B text A asking how they are and said “I’m gunna call in five mins” to give them a heads up rather than calling out of the blue.

B sent this response:

“Hiya, currently in the middle of settling DC into bed, and pretty exhausted myself from work. As I said the other day I really don't do phone calls, I find even when it's my close family they cause me lots of stress. How are you doing?xx”

Would you find this response rude? Is B just brushing off A?

Its OK to say you don't have the capacity to take a call right now. Its not rude.
Its rude to try and force people to speak on the phone when you know they are busy/tired just because you've decided you want to speak right now. If this person is a true friend who cares about you you won't have offended them here.

Your friend's not taking the hint, you're fine OP.

When I was younger I loved nothing more than to chat away on the phone with my friends, these days I'd hate it if someone was intruding on my small bit of peace in the evening.

And that's all perfectly reasonable and understandable. You were clear and polite in both cases, not abrupt at all.

Not rude or giving the brush off. I have three people I answer the phone to. One is my husband; the other two are very good friends in different parts of the country that I haven’t seen for years. I have never spoken to any of my local friends on the phone. I even have good friends from school whose phone numbers I don’t have because I just message via Facebook.

Thanks all! My friend is lovely and I care a lot about her and want to support her through what she’s going through but I have a history of setting myself on fire to keep everyone else warm so I’m trying hard to protect my own wellbeing too. It’s very new to me and trying to find the right balance without upsetting a lovely friend (who I definitely don’t think is being rude, and more likely misunderstood when I said I don’t do phone calls to think I don’t like impromptu ones so gave me a heads up).

I don’t like phone calls. Just don’t have the energy for them. I don’t think your friend was being rude at all…she always replies and checks in.

I feel similarly about phone calls these days for the same reason - I find I am tired by the end of the day and a phone call can feel draining after about 5 minutes!

I don't think you were rude but I would probably have left out the "as I said the other day..." part and just said you find it hard to find the energy for phone conversations in the evening.

If you were to meet your friend halfway - or less than halfway - a couple of suggestions -

Call when you have a limited time to talk eg in the car on the way to an appointment and then there is an end point

How about voice notes? I love a voice note because you have the flexibility of a phone call and a text at the same time. Your friend can say what she wants and you can read and respond in your own time.

The people who call me other than my DH tend to be older relatives. Some of them call in response to a text and I do find it draining so I can understand how you feel but it does seem the norm for my generation (millennials) not to do calls.

I think you've tried to be polite as you can be and are clear about your boundaries. But you can't be surprised of your friend does feel brushed off if she's tried to call a few times and you've chosen not to chat when you know she is having a difficult time. It's a mismatch of needs really. Maybe arrange a meet up unless you haven't got the capacity for this friend at all really.

I'm B also, absolutely hate chatting on the phone and much prefer texts or messenger to chat. It's more to the point without waffle and far less draining. A needs to understand that you're just not into phone conversations.

I’ve got a couple of who only do text. I actually find texting back and forth, as some do for ages, much harder work than having a chat on the phone and less direct. I find it difficult to nuance a response sometimes or just tedious to have a conversation that way as I leave out a lot because it is slow and their responses are slow. So you aren’t always able get to respond spontaneously. I’m not explaining it that well as I am tired but mostly prefer a call but obviously don’t take them if I am preoccupied or tired. Text fine for arrangements and quick chats clearly. I do ask someone if it is convenient to call if I want to speak, I don’t just ring without checking or assume someone is available.

If you care for your friend as you are saying, and she is going through a difficult time, then surely it would be better to say "I don't really like talking on the phone but could meet you for a coffee / or you could come round here on {insert time}".

I think B’s being really clear that they don’t enjoy phone calls, after communicating this more gently (perhaps not clearly enough) yesterday.

It doesn’t sound personal, they’re just letting you know.

I have some friends I’ve known years who I’ve never really had a proper phone conversation with (ie only functional comms over phone) as they’re not really phone call people, or it’s just not part of our friendship (but we still message, go on hols together, etc.)

Don’t overthink it, it’s not personal and they’re not being rude

Ah just saw that you’re B!

I love phone calls. My best friend hates them. I text her. She responds with emojis. It works it's ok.

I don't think you were rude. I think she misinterpreted what you meant in your first message but was trying to accommodate your preference for not dealing with unsolicited phone calls - but got it wrong.

Yes!

I'm with you on this too OP, but I have lost a friend becuase of just this kind of thing, she did take offence. I miss her but I also felt I couldn't be who she wanted me to be so I felt ok about it ending, iyswim.

Not rude. When my kids were small a spontaneous call from somebody who believed I could have some kind of relaxed chat would have been torture. But even if she lived alone, she was just stating her boundaries.

It’s fine. I’m better on phone calls than I used to be but still prefer texting.

Not at all keen on voice notes though. If I’m out & don’t have ear phones with me, which I usually don’t, then I end up leaving them until later & probably forgetting about them. If I’m home, I’d still infinitely rather have a text.

Not rude.
friend A needs to respect friend B’s boundary.

I had a friend exactly the same. Hated the phone. So we only text or spoke in person.

A needs to back off.

B has boundaries, good for them.

I think she's trying to say something awkward in as pleasant a way as she can.

It's horrible when you have to keep telling someone something when you know they perceive it differently to you. I feel like it's probably more rude to force the issue and keep calling when someone said they prefer to message. I'm sure it's not intended that way, but might be easier to just stick to messaging

I don’t think it’s rude. I don’t do texts to catch up. I will respond to a message if information is needed from me (I.e, what time are we meeting, when is the hotel booked for) but will not text respond to general texts to see how I’m doing.

It’s calls only to catch up, or we get a date in the diary to meet up properly in person. Can’t stand the overwhelming feeling that constantly being messaged and the expectation to respond gives.

I get awful anxiety with phone calls. Just text me

She has told you several times she doesn't do phone calls. Respect that

I don’t like phone calls either, I prefer voice notes where things come to a more natural end, otherwise it can be hard to get people off the phone and after a hard day at work and commuting I need space

Exactly, this. B has clearly and politely set a personal boundary and A is continuing to behave as though it doesn’t apply to them. Shame on A.