To distance myself from this friend?

[GreenHome]

Met friend A when we were both pregnant, now our DDs are 3.5.

Friend A has the habit to turn up on people’s house (mine and other friends’ house) unannounced or very little notice.

She feels very low when her DH is at work and she has to stay on her own with her DD. She is very extrovert and likes constant company. Even with her DD is with her PILs and her DH is at work, she can’t enjoy time on her own.

So yesterday mid morning, Friend A called to say she was just round the corner, could she pop in for a coffee and a quick playdate? I said yes.

She came in and as the girls settle and start to play, she sits on my sofa and thumbs through the coffee table books/magazines while I’m in the kitchen.

I then bring coffee, water and some biscuits and sit on the other sofa. We start to drink and I start chatting - the usual.
After a few minutes she asks if I can just ‘leave her alone so she can read the magazine she selected please?’
I’m weirded by that but I say sure, so I take my coffee to the kitchen and finish it there while tidying up and stuff. When I have nothing to do in the kitchen anymore, I go to my DD’s bedroom where the girls are playing and stay there.

Then I receive a text message from friend B inviting me for lunch at her house as she has some good news to share (she was ttc so I know what it means).

After about 45 minutes (from me leaving the sitting room to now), friend A comes to the bedroom and asks me what I’m planning to eat for lunch. I tell her that I’m going to friend B’s house for lunch and she asks if she can come too. I tell her to call friend B and ask. She tells me that I should call because I was the one invited. I said no, I don’t think this is how it is suppose to work.
She then decides to leave. She said she might call friend B soon.

When I get to friend B’s house, I ask her if friend A called. She didn’t. I explain she was at mine when I received the text and she knows about the lunch. Friend B knows it means she might turn up unannounced. But she doesn’t.

So I received a text from friend A saying that she hoped we had a good lunch and hope to be included next time.
She also said she might pop at mine again tomorrow, same time.

I just don’t have energy for this nonsense anymore. I get it that she needs constant company but her behaviour at mine yesterday turned me off this friendship, I need to create some distance.

AIBU?

How should I reply?

Dear A, I am not a public library service or cafe. Please find alternative publicly available services to occupy your time with. Best Regards C

Sigh. I can’t imagine the level of CF’ery to do that at a friends house.

In the OPS house? Seriously?! 😳

This is perfect, it’s straight to the point and I don’t know why anyone is suggesting faffing about wirh stupid shit or ignoring her because she doesn’t sound like she’d get the message or rather she would and doesn’t care.

I cannot believe how many grown ups on here have to put a coat on and pretend to leave their own home instead of just refusing a visitor?! It’s your home, you have the right to say not today, especially to Satan 😂 but seriously how has this become a thing?!

This is an advert to go back to work if ever I saw one.

Sounds like she has a personality disorder; this is not normal behaviour. I've been there with a family member who kept doing odd and unreasonable things to test me. In the end I confronted her and told her I'd had enough of it. IMO her behaviour will only get worse if you let her get away with it...

Wow, this makes me thankful I'm an introvert 😂🙏❤️

Dismissing you from your own lounge.. Cheeky so and so.

YANBU, I would politely decline next time and just say you're busy. After a few declines, she will select her next victim.

Ps congratulations to your friend!

Exactly this. 😂😂😂

Tbh, if they just turned up I'd probably close the curtains and pretend we're not in.. Or talk to them through the ring..

You say she's an extrovert but yet wanted to be left alone to her own company when at yours - is how she usually behaves? I honestly would just start distancing yourself, as others have said gives the vibes that she just wants childcare and not actual company for her

Any reply op?

Hi, I went through PPD and I didn't recover for years. I was that person who needed to pop around and have company as i didn't have support from family and my husband was not coping with my mental health. I never told a friend to leave me alone when I was at their house but sometimes I felt like I just wanted to be somewhere safe where my child (who always cried at home but was happy out) could play and I could have a moment to check my phone etc.

I had friends drop me and I didn't know if I had done something to offend them or they simply got busy and offers to catch up got denied or ignored until I stopped trying. It really hurt and I had to grieve these friends while not knowing and also seeing them around or having playdates with others and not understanding why it didn't work with me.

I would have appreciated some genuine boundaries and conditions so I knew what I was doing that was wrong and I could adapt my behaviour. These friends were so important to me and I still miss them now that our kids are 8. I would have definitely respected someone caring enough about me and our friendship to give me a chance to fix it. It would have also made me feel safe to know what was okay and what wasn't rather than being anxious and second guessing when my messages were ignored or she was always busy.

I hope you do meet up at the park and it isn't a fake offer. Do you want to go to her house for a playdate next time? Out for coffee after a baby group you are both at? It's okay to give a defined time in which you are available. Maybe you could tell her she could drop off her child for a playdate if she wants alone time? She may not know this and was desperate but went about it wrongly.

The lunch thing was awkward but she must have felt left out if you are all friends. You not wanting to ask if she could also come is a clear indication (to me and probably her) that you didn't want her to join. Why would she ask the host directly if she felt that you didn't want to include her? It seemed perhaps a guilt trip but maybe just clear communication that she hoped to be invited next time.

I'm sorry that she's put you off of her company and it sounds like this may be a culmination of a bunch of things that you don't like about the friendship. Letting her know what's going on and how you'd like the dynamic to change is a gift to her. You don't have to give it. It shows that you care about her, that you have prepared it. It's something she can accept or not. Like or not. But it's a gift nonetheless.

Good luck. I hope by the time your littles are 8 you can look back and she'll appreciate what you did and laugh about how awkward she was in her difficult time.

I also wonder if maybe it isn't HER who constantly wants company, but her child. I have an absolute 110% extrovert daughter, it's amazing seeing her light up & connect with so many different people but far out, it's exhausting when it's just her and me at home, and I have to be the other half of every conversation, the playmate in every game, the audience for every performance...
Not that A's behaviour would be any less rude but at least it would make more sense if she seeks out company for her kid, and then just has no social batteries left for adult conversation.

It's odd behaviour. I'd ask her it everything's OK at home. If she's normally decent I'd be worried. If she's always playing games then yes I'd not want to see her.

Wrong thread! 🤣